Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel unpacked still more details about the lead-up to the January 6 attack on the Capitol. “It’s even crazier than the crazy we previously thought was so crazy,” he said on Tuesday evening. “Turns out the calls were coming from inside the House, and the Senate.”
According to new reports, the then White House chief of staff, Mark Meadows, texted with 34 Republicans lawmakers in the days before January 6, exchanging ideas and suggestions for how they could overturn the election and keep Trump in office. “It’s like a gang of Batman’s dumbest enemies,” said Kimmel.
One such lawmaker was the South Carolina Republican Ralph Norman, who texted Meadows three days before the attempted coup that “our LAST HOPE is invoking Marshall Law!!”
“If Marshall Law doesn’t work, we’ll mobilize the TJ Maxxinistas!” he joked of Norman’s misspelling. “Thank God this coup wasn’t planned by people who could solve the Wordle.”
The texts “go a long way toward explaining why these low-lifes have been so quiet about all this”, he added. “It wasn’t just Trump. He had dozens of enablers, and a lot of them are still in Congress. We had people who tried to overthrow the government in the government right now, and I continue to be blown away by how dumb they are. Even Scooby-Doo villains know not to write it down.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert cheered Joe Biden’s signing of the Respect for Marriage Act, which enshrines respect for same-sex marriage into federal law.
Colbert referred to a dramatic increase in support for marriage equality in the past 20 years, even among Republicans, which has risen from 19% in 2004 to 43%. “So progress, but still slightly less than the number of Republicans who believe JFK Jr is going to rise from the dead to create an even better pillow,” he joked.
The host also touched on the texts sent between Meadows and 34 Republican lawmakers about overturning the election. “That is unbelievable – 34 people wanted to talk to Mark Meadows,” he laughed. “These members of Congress communicating with Meadows were – and it’s not my place to editorialize – stupid, evil traitors who were trying to do crimes against democracy, for which they should be punished with decades of jail time.
“Speaking of criminals,” he added: Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of crypto exchange FTX, who was arrested on Monday in the Bahamas on several fraud charges following FTX’s stunning collapse. “What has this world come to, where you can’t trust the guy selling imaginary computer coins whose name is almost exactly Bankman-Fraud,” Colbert mused. “What’s next? Don’t get your annual checkup from Dr Guy Death-Kauser?”
Prosecutors revealed an eight-charge indictment ranging from wire fraud to money laundering to conspiracy to commit fraud on the US. Bankman-Fried faces up to 115 years in prison, “because this allegedly guilty guy is allegedly very guilty, allegedly”, said Colbert. “How allegedly guilty is he, allegedly?” For one, FTX’s inner circle had a secret chat group chat called “Wirefraud”.
“That’s a weirdly bald confession,” said Colbert. “That’s like getting a bumper sticker that says ‘Proud Parent of an Honor Student and I’m an Arsonist’.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers also celebrated Biden signing the Respect for Marriage Act. “Respecting marriage? Wow, he really is undoing all of Trump’s orders,” he said over a picture of the former president with Stormy Daniels.
Asked if he would follow the lead of Senator Kyrsten Sinema and leave the Democratic party, fellow obstructionist Joe Manchin, of West Virginia, told reporters: “I’ll look at all of these things. I’ve always looked at all those things, but I have no intention of doing anything right now.”
“Well, he sounds like a Democrat to me,” Meyers quipped.
Meyers also touched on Bankman-Fried’s arrest in the Bahamas on Monday. “Oh, they got him? I can’t believe he wasn’t able to blend in,” he deadpanned, referring to his shaggy hair. “Who fingered him, the humidity?”
And according to new research, taking the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra could decrease the risk of developing Alzheimer’s. “Which is great, because there’s nothing worse than getting an erection and forgetting why,” Meyers joked.
