Ali Martin's day one report
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It’s been a day of two halves. First West Indies’ seamers walked all over England’s top and middle order, with only Alex Lees resisting for more than about five minutes. Then the fightback began – first through Chris Woakes, now a batter who bowls rather than the other way round, and then Jack Leach and Saqib Mahmood. Leach passed 26 in a Test for the first time when not opening the batting, and Mahmood passed 26 for the first time in his first-class career. They showed grit and gumption, they had some luck but they also played some fine shots. Tail-end runs count double, and the momentum is now with England – though, if the pitch flattens out, their total of 204 could still be made to look small, much as the West Indies’ fast bowlers were this evening.
Thanks for your company and correspondence, and sorry not to get through all of it. This mad old game of ours was just too enthralling. Join us at 2pm GMT tomorrow to see what happens next.
On the all-time list of Test scores by England No.11s, Saqib Mahmood’s 49 stands third-equal, with Andy Caddick of all people. Second, with 59, is John Snow, in his rom-com with Ken Higgs. And top of the tree is Jimmy Anderson, with 81 against India in 2014. Whatever happened to him?
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Apparently this is the first time since the 1890s that the two top scores in a Test innings have come from the No.10 and 11.
“Interesting performance by Saq Mahmood, top-scoring on his debut,” says Martin Crookall. “Reminds me of another Lancashire fast-medium bowler who made a fifty on his Test debut on his home ground against the Aussies in 1981, Paul Allott. That was the occasion when Ian Botham went on to score his ‘mad baseball batter’ ton (which I saw). Is this an omen?” Clearly! At the risk of being picky, can I just point out that this is Saqib’s first Test innings, but not his debut? That was last week, and he bowled rather well. We could see he had something with the ball; now it seems he has it with the bat too.
“Hello again Tim,” says Tim Sanders. “Whilst trying not to think about that batting bonus point I was, like Robert Ellson, just thinking about England’s ‘batting buddies’ of old. It was the Andy Flower era when Panesar and Anderson saved that draw v Australia at Cardiff in 2009. Monty’s batting buddy then is now the England coach. So Collingwood has form for bringing out the best in a No. 11.” Now that’s what I call a good spot.
“Snow and Higgs,” says John Starbuck. “I remember it well. Muscle and romance together.” Kenny Higgs, a romantic hero? I’ll take your word for it.
Close: England 204 all out
England were crumbling at 53 for six, and then they added 151 for four. It’s been a tail of the unexpected.
Wicket! Mahmood b Blackwood 49 (England 204 all out)
90th over: England 204-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 49) On comes Jermaine Blackwood for the last over of the day. Mahmood whacks him for four, straight down the ground and then, eyes lighting up at the thought of a first fifty, he drags it on!
So no fifty for Mahmood, and no hundred partnership for him and Leach. But they have been immense.
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89th over: England 200-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 45) The umpires have been looking at the light, so it’s spin only for the last two overs of the day. Brathwaite bowls a maiden to Leach – truly a dose of his own medicine.
“Magnificent from Leach and Mahmood!” says Ian Wilson. “Interesting that Jack isn’t constantly polishing his glasses as he was during his legendary stand with Stokes. Specsavers must have superior anti-misting qualities...”
88th over: England 200-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 45) Joseph bowls a ball that ends up lodged somewhere about Mahmood ‘s person. He shakes it out and it almost hits the stumps, which means he’s come closer to taking a wicket than any of the bowlers have for some time.
This, by the way, is the first time England’s No.10 and 11 have both scored 40 in the same innings for 56 years. The last pair to do so were Ken Higgs and John Snow, also against West Indies, in 1966.
87th over: England 200-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 45) It’s a double change as Jason Holder comes back, still the only seamer without a wicket. He draws a nick from Leach, only to see it drop short of the slips. Leach then plays his favourite stroke, the square drive, but there’s a fielder there for it now, at a deepish backward point, and Holder completes a maiden.
“The Windies Cricket Youtube livestream that has been previously mentioned has automatic text captioning (machine-based, I’m guessing),” says Bob Wilson. “A screed of Dadaist brilliance, perhaps the best bit is that every time the West Indies fielders get overexcited about a ball popping up off the bat, they shout ‘Ketchup, ketchup’.
“It’s Joycean.”
England reach 200!!
86th over: England 200-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 45) Brathwaite summons Alzarri Joseph, who enjoyed himself earlier against better batters than these. He produces a Jaffa to beat Mahmood, who retorts, superbly, with a back-foot off-drive for four. Are you watching, CricViz predictor?
85th over: England 196-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 41) The West Indians remain convinced that the way to break this partnership is with yorkers. Mahmood continues to confound this theory by digging them out. Joe Root is watching through binoculars, but probably not thinking about a declaration. There are five overs left in the day.
“Was it in the Duncan Fletcher era,” wonders Robert Ellson, “that each tailender had a batting buddy from the top six who would help them with their batting skills? Have England considered bringing this back, but in reverse? Woakes could help Lawrence play straight. Leach could get Crawley playing the ball under his eyes. Worth a try.”
84th over: England 195-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 40) Mahmood reads Seales’s outswinger, pushes it past mid-off, takes a single and joins Leach in the forties. It’s hard to say who is having a worse nightmare here: Kraigg Brathwaite, or the CricViz predictor, which continues to expect this pair to add only five to whatever the current total is. How many do they have to add for the damn thing to go to six?
83rd over: England 194-9 (Leach 41, Mahmood 39) Hang on, says Leach, top-scoring is my job. He gets an attempted yorker from Roach and slaps it for four past cover. The partnership is now 80.
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82nd over: England 190-9 (Leach 37, Mahmood 39) Jayden Seales finds some swing with the new ball, but it’s mostly too far outside off. Mahmood spots a half-volley and guides it past gully for four. By the end of the over, he’s even digging out a well-aimed toe-crusher, of the kind he himself bowls. And he is now the top scorer in this innings!
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81st over: England 186-9 (Leach 37, Mahmood 35) The new ball is duly taken and handed to Kemar Roach. Leach just greets it with that square push, his signature shot, and takes a single. Mahmood plays a lovely shot, a back-foot cover drive in the Woakes manner. He gets three and waltzes past his first-class career-best.
“Hello Tim.” Hello Tim Sanders. “This is when a county cricket follower dares to think that a batting point might be on the cards; and then tries to un-think the thought in a futile attempt to appease the Cricketing Fates.” Ha.
80th over: England 182-9 (Leach 36, Mahmood 32) Mahmood sweeps Brathwaite for a single, which means that England’s No.11, in his first Test innings, has outscored every one of their specialist batters. The partnership is 68 and the new ball is now due.
79th over: England 180-9 (Leach 35, Mahmood 31) Yet more byes as a ball from Bonner scuttles past Mahmoud’s edge, nutmegs Joshua Da Silva and dribbles to the rope. After those byes a couple of overs ago, Da Silva sledged himself, saying “You’re the worst wicketkeeper in the world!” He may have had a point.
78th over: England 174-9 (Leach 34, Mahmood 30) Leach gives Brathwaite the charge – if only that had happened the other way round in Bridgetown. It’s a false shot, sliced over the vacant gully, but Leach picks up another single. Mahmood, on fire now, plays a paddle sweep for four. From the depths of 53-6, England have now tripled the score.
77th over: England 168-9 (Leach 33, Mahmood 25) Never mind all those other landmarks, Leach has also reached 100 balls – his Dentury. He takes a single off Bonner and Mahmood adds a pull for three. The fielder thinks it’s going for four and doesn’t bother to chase, which is never a good look.
Fifty partnership!
76th over: England 164-9 (Leach 32, Mahmood 22) Leach pushes Brathwaite into the covers, takes a single, becomes the top scorer in the innings and brings up the fifty partnership! Off 133 balls. It’s been calm, composed and remarkably competent.
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75th over: England 163-9 (Leach 31, Mahmood 22) Leach gets a long hop from Bonner and pulls it for a single, which takes him level with Alex Lees as England’s top scorer. West Indies are just killing time now, until the new ball.
74th over: England 162-9 (Leach 30, Mahmood 22) Brathwaite, prankster that he is, brings himself on too. He produces a piece of filth down the leg side that goes for two byes, and then tops it with one that goes for four byes.
“I like the way Mayers looks the opposite of how he bowls,” says Bob Wilson. “With the buffed-up muscles, the bursting chest and that groovy hair, he’s all Viking threat and supremacy. The actual deliveries are all DPhil postgrad cerebral (fast-medium version). I always imagine such a mismatch produces an effect. Batter can’t help waiting for macho confrontation, meanwhile the gym-bunny bowler is working it with slide-rules and weather-records.
“Touch of Malcolm Marshall too. Though it would be hard to match that wicked, gleeful Gandalf and his uniquely surprising approach to international sporting events.”
England reach 150!
73rd over: England 156-9 (Leach 30, Mahmood 22) Mahmood is dropped at short extra off Mayers. What the hell, he thinks, I may as well have a mow – and he hits a six! Which brings up the 150, and is also the first six Mahmood has ever hit in first-class cricket. Magnificent stuff.
72nd over: England 149-9 (Leach 30, Mahmood 15) Now Brathwaite goes back to spin, bringing on Bonner with his friendly leg-breaks. And it nearly works as Mahmood gives him the charge and is only saved from being stumped by an inside edge, which goes for three.
71st over: England 146-9 (Leach 30, Mahmood 12) Mayers continues, to Leach, and Brathwaite gives him not one short cover but two. Leach drives the ball, firmly, straight at one of them – Brathwaite himself, who wrings his hand. When the boot was on the other foot in Barbados, I don’t remember the ball ever being hit that hard.
70th over: England 146-9 (Leach 30, Mahmood 12) Holder tries to york Leach, who replies with a straight drive for four and passes his Test best when not opening the batting (previously 26). “Top shot!” says David Gower, who knows a thing or two about left-handed batting. And that’s drinks, with England finally winning a half-session. Take that, CricViz predictor!
69th over: England 141-9 (Leach 25, Mahmood 12) Mayers is back for a third spell. Mahmood again comes close to giving a catch in front of the wicket, to mid-off this time. He’s seeing the ball well and even plays a wristy whip off middle-and-off, but he picks out the man at midwicket. Over on CricViz, the predictor is giving England 146 all out. That seems a bit harsh.
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68th over: England 141-9 (Leach 25, Mahmood 12) Another over from Holder to Leach, another row of dots. “JUSTICE FOR JIMMY,” says a banner in the crowd. “BRING BACK BROAD.” One reason they were binned, I suspect, is that they had both stopped batting like this.
“Collapse,” murmurs Charlie Bird. “Which bowler(s) will England drop now?”
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67th over: England 141-9 (Leach 25, Mahmood 12) Mahmood almost pops a catch to short cover, but the ball only reaches the man on the bounce. Something similar happened to Leach in the previous over, so maybe the pitch has some indentations that were damp earlier and have now dried out.
A good spot from Simon McMahon. “The tenth-wicket partnership now the highest of the innings. That can’t happen very often, can it?” With England, it’s not a massive surprise.
66th over: England 141-9 (Leach 25, Mahmood 12) Leach, facing Holder, steers past gully again, this time for four. That’s his third boundary, as many as Woakes and second only to the mighty Lees, who managed five.
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65th over: England 137-9 (Leach 21, Mahmood 12) Roach was just changing ends, so Mayers makes way, with his figures in tatters (7-5-6-2). Leach glide sa single past gully and this is now England’s longest last-wicket partnership, Ian Bishop reveals, since 2014, when Anderson and Root added 198 against India. Those were the days.
“Is Root waiting for Leach to get his 50 before declaring?!” wonders Tony White. “I thought he wanted to be braver. Thanks for the sympathetic coverage, made easier by an unboring Test!” Quite agree, I’d far rather watch 137-9 than 500-9. Though this match may yet have both.
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64th over: England 136-9 (Leach 20, Mahmood 12) Brathwaite decides that the man to break this stubborn little stand is his predecessor, Jason Holder. Mahmood keeps him out calmly enough and even manages to evade a nasty bouncer.
63rd over: England 136-9 (Leach 20, Mahmood 12) Leach nudges a single off Mayers, whereupon Mahmood clips through midwicket for three. That was the best shot of his Test career so far, all 32 balls of it.
BT Sport shows us a view of the ground from a drone. It’s glorious, a circle of grass shimmering in the middle of the Grenada rainforest, and it gets even better as a frigate bird flies just in front of the drone’s nose.
62nd over: England 132-9 (Leach 19, Mahmood 9) Mahmood is almost enjoying himself now. As Roach returns, he square-drives a wide one for two.
“An angry Yorkshireman writes,” says the subject line of the next email. “I’m sorry but I can’t let it go. The cricket stuff? No I’m fine with that – it is what it is and I enjoy the schadenfreude. But the esteemed Mr Starbuck in over 17 educating us on eggy bread? Nope. I’m not having it. Can’t let it go. Eggy bread is a SAVOURY snack for all ages enjoyed at any time of day with a bit of salt. French toast (or gypsy toast) is a sweet dessert. Pah! Yours angrily, Matthew Dunnill.”
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61st over: England 130-9 (Leach 19, Mahmood 7) Brathwaite turns back to the swinging medium-pace of Kyle Mayers, who took two for none in five overs and then found himself ignored for some hours. He ruins his figures by giving Leach an easy tuck off the pads. Then he does find his mojo, and the edge, but Mahmood gets away with it as the ball doesn’t quite carry to slip.
60th over: England 128-9 (Leach 18, Mahmood 6) Mahmood has made it past 20 balls, which is more than Root, Stokes or Bairstow managed today. He celebrates with a leading edge off Seales that pops up into space and brings him another two. The last four wickets have now added 75: not quite enough to give England the momentum, but a lot better than 53-6.
59th over: England 125-9 (Leach 17, Mahmood 4) Mahmood is leaving a gate so wide open you could drive a flock of sheep through it, but the only drive in this over comes from him, clonked past mid-off for his first Test two. England go past another of their recent shockers, the 124 in Hobart when they threw in the towel. This lot, for all their limitations, seem unlikely to do that.
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58th over: England 123-9 (Leach 17, Mahmood 2) Mahmood is on a roll now: he’s got a run on the leg side too, a glance off Seales. Leach pushes into the covers for a single of his own, and England have now done better in this innings than they did on five occasions since the start of last year, from 68 all out at the MCG to 122 against New Zealand at Edgbaston.
57th over: England 121-9 (Leach 16, Mahmood 1) Mahmood repays that faith by helping himself to his first Test run, with a decent push into the covers off Joseph and even some foot movement (back a bit). Leach takes a blow to the midriff – not a euphemism –but shakes it off to shovel round the corner for a single. Mahmood plays and misses again, as if taunting the six men waiting for the edge.
56th over: England 119-9 (Leach 15, Mahmood 0) Seales bowls a snorter to Leach which he does well to jag out of the way of. And then another! He must be about to pitch one up – and when he does, Leach misses it. He goes shorter again, without the same venom, and Leach carves past gully for a couple. The second of those runs shows a fair amount of faith in Mahmood.
“Seriously Tim,” says Gareth Wilson, “if Woakes can’t get 3 for zip tonight then he might as well retire.” From Tests, yes – he can carry on in the white-ball teams.
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55th over: England 117-9 (Leach 13, Mahmood 0) Leach, facing Alzarri Joseph, cuts for two and pushes for a single. Mahmood plays and misses outside off, possibly because he forgot that you’re supposed to go forward or back.
54th over: England 114-9 (Leach 10, Mahmood 0) So Saqib Mahmood gets a bat for the first time in Tests. He spots a slower-ball yorker from Seales and meets it with a sturdy block, and then he gets an outswinger that’s far too good to take the edge. The ball is still moving as if it was the 14th over, not the 54th.
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Wicket! Woakes b Seales 25 (England 114-9)
Seales fires it in, and Woakes cocks it up! He just seemed to play down the wrong line. He walks off practising the shot he tried to play, and with him, surely, go England’s hopes of scraping 150.
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53rd over: England 114-8 (Woakes 25, Leach 10) We have spin at both ends! Well, they do say Kraigg Brathwaite is a prankster. He brings himself on to bowl at Leach, perhaps in recognition of the 2,000,000 balls Leach bowled to him. That’s another maiden and it’s also tea. We’ve had a classic England collapse, and a minor England recovery. See you in 15 minutes.
“Cunning plan,” says Mark Slater. “Could it be that England are miffed at losing the toss, and determined to have a bowl on the first day anyway?”
52nd over: England 114-8 (Woakes 25, Leach 10) We have some spin! For the first time today, as far as I know. It’s Nkrumah Bonner with his leg-rollers. Woakes treats them with exaggerated respect, to the point of patting a full toss to short extra, as if playing in the Fathers’ Match.
51st over: England 114-8 (Woakes 25, Leach 10) Joseph bowls a fast nip-backer that cuts Woakes in half but goes over the stumps. In the England dressing room, Ben Foakes may be turning to Craig Overton and saying “why couldn’t our nip-backers do that?” Woakes pushes a single on the off side that takes this partnership to 24, the best of the innings, beating both the opening batters and the opening bowlers.
“Fear not England supporters,” says Ali Martin of The Guardian on Twitter. “As recently as 1897 Lord Hawke’s XI were bowled out for 138 in Grenada and went on to win by an innings...”
50th over: England 113-8 (Woakes 24, Leach 10) Woakes square-drives Holder for two and flicks him off the hip for a single. With Woakes out there, England have made 60-2; without him it was 53-6. All winter, he’s done more with the bat than the ball: later today, he may get his last chance to put that right.
49th over: England 110-8 (Woakes 21, Leach 10) Joseph has decided to try and york Leach. His first attempt swings away and draws a nick – but it’s dropped by Kyle Mayers at first slip. Leach is more prepared for the second and jabs the bat down staunchly in front of off stump.
Time for another tweet. “Make the most of this weather,” says Lizzie Ammon of The Times, “because the championship starts in two weeks so it’ll start snowing then.” The true voice of English cricket.
48th over: England 110-8 (Woakes 21, Leach 10) Holder, like Joseph, drifts onto Woakes’s pads. Woakes say thank you very much with an on-drive for three. That was so natural, it could have been the late Ben Hollioake, who died 20 years ago yesterday. Then Holder gets his radar wrong to the left-hander too, giving Leach a simple glance for four.
“Prime Minister of Grenada,” says Voice of the Mysterons on Twitter, “actually not looking too chuffed with things there, presumably he’s had a tenner on the draw.” Ha. If he has, he may as well have another tenner now – the chances of a draw, at CricViz, are rated at 5pc. England are on 20, West Indies 75.
47th over: England 102-8 (Woakes 18, Leach 6) Joseph is back, replacing Roach, about half an hour after Roach replaced him. He’s instantly pacy, 89-90mph, but off line, straying onto Woakes’s pads and wide of Leach’s off stump.
“Hope you enjoyed the theatre, Tim,” says Matt Dony. I did, thanks, though to my untrained eye the best bit was the design, which was big and bold. “I have a fond memory of Young Matt watching Into The Woods in the Donmar. Sheridan Smith played Red Riding Hood, and she appeared to be singing directly to me, eyes locked, sharing a moment. I then realised I was sat directly above the monitor showing the band leader giving cues to the actors. A crushing disappointment. Speaking of which, just now home from work and checking up on play so far…”
46th over: England 101-8 (Woakes 17, Leach 6) Leach hits a four! And with a good shot too – he spotted some width from Holder, stuck his head out there and caressed the ball past cover like Woakes in the mirror. That brings up the hundred and gives the travelling fans a reason to raise half a cheer. A helpful caption informs us that Leach has never made more than 26 down the order for England, but he did make 92 as an opener – and nightwatchman – against Ireland at Lord’s in 2019. 92! Only in England could you be more celebrated for making 1 not out.
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45th over: England 97-8 (Woakes 17, Leach 2) Leach gets a second run, rather ahead of schedule, with a squirt to gully. Roach again puts it where Woakes wants it and gets smacked post cover.
“Bonjour Tim,” says Andrew Benton. “They do say that it’s not over until the fat lady sings. These days any such individual would have to self-identify not only as a lady but also a fat lady, and one who can sing to boot. Question is, how many of the England team self-identify as competent batters? Far too many, I fear.” Ha. They’re almost flawless on a featherbed.
“PS Your email link at page top doesn’t include the casual.” Ah, sorry, should be fixed now.
44th over: England 92-8 (Woakes 13, Leach 1) Kraigg Brathwaite summons Jason Holder, to quash any thoughts of a tail-end thrash. Woakes nudges a single first ball, to show Leach he believes in him. Leach pushes into the covers, to reprise his most famous score.
43rd over: England 90-8 (Woakes 12, Leach 0) Here’s Jack Leach, probably the only person ever to have a single scoring shot captured on a T-shirt. He starts as he means to go on, with some nice solid blocks, before Roach moves the ball the same way again – away from the left-hander – to an extent that would baffle better batters than Leach.
The partnership between Overton and Woakes was 23, equalling the best of the innings. So the opening bowlers matched the opening batters. It’s that kind of surface.
Wicket! Overton b Roach 14 (England 90-8)
Castled! By a big nip-backer that also keeps a bit low. Roach is delighted, Overton looking back in anguish.
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42nd over: England 90-7 (Woakes 12, Overton 14) At the other end it’s still Jayden Seales. He half-beats Craig Overton, drawing an inside edge that squirts away for a single. There’s a vague appeal against Woakes, for a strangle down the leg side, but only Jason Holder is really interested.
41st over: England 89-7 (Woakes 12, Overton 13) Kemar Roach is back, replacing Joseph, and he puts his third ball just where Chris Woakes likes it – outside off, sitting up, begging to be eased past point for four. When Roach goes straighter, Woakes does too, with a couple of solid blocks. These two are now the second and third top-scorers in England’s so-called innings.
Thanks Daniel, afternoon everyone and welcome to the red-ball reset. There’s still nothing like an England collapse. I missed it myself as I was at the Donmar Warehouse for Henry V, or as it’s known in the trade, Hank Cinq. And now here we are – once more unto the breach, dear friends.
40th over: England 85-7 (Woakes 8, Overton 13) Overton is playing nicely enough, and he clips another two, this time to midwicket, before half-batting through mid on, accidentally, and they run two more. Seales responds well, moving one away from Overton, who can’t get bat on it, but then an outswinger beats bat, pad and Da Silva’s dive, scooting away for four byes.
That’s drinks, so that’s me; here’s Tim de Lisle to narrate you through brave England’s brave counter-attack.
39th over: England 77-7 (Woakes 8, Overton 9) It’s absolutely baffling to think that with all the cricket, all the contracts, all the bunce and, most of all, all the expletive talent, England have one batter of reliable Test-match quality. One. How can it be? I mean, I understand the rationale: techniques and mentalities have been changed by limited overs, but even so, this isn’t like it was during portions of the 80s and 90s, when you looked down the order and wondered how some of them came to be out there. I don’t know, I really don’t, but after a single to Woakes, Overton slashes hard at a wide one, sending four over the cordon, then adds two more to midwicket and England are on a glorious nelson, the likes of which Test cricket will rarely have seen. England may be losing the cricket, but they’re winning the statistical abnormality!
38th over: England 69-7 (Woakes 7, Overton 2) Given England’s dominant position, it makes perfect sense for Overton to play an expansive drive first up, Seales’ outswing taking the ball away from his scythe. I’ll get you next time, Gadget! A two to cover follows, and West Indies have bowled very nicely since lunch – better than this morning, for mine.
WICKET! Foakes b Seales 7 (England 67-7)
Ahahahahaha! Seales, back into the attack, persuades one to lift and nip back in, Foakes misses it, and the kisses the middle of the bails; that is a gorgeous effect. Somehow this is both nauseating earworm and timeless classic; we are in the presence of true greatness.
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37th over: England 67-6 (Foakes 7, Woakes 7) Woakes chases a wide one; “You’ve got to be much, much more committed to the shot,” deadpans Gower. The second ball of the over bounces less than Woakes expects and he narrowly avoids edging behind; worry not, I’m sure he’ll learn from that mistake and get himself out properly next time. Maiden.
“Was just about to send you an email saying what a good test this is for England,” says Robert Ellson, “how infuriating I’ve found it in the past that they can’t find a way to cobble together a score that keeps them in the game, preferring instead to get absolutely rolled over, and how it would be great to see them showing they’ve made some progress, and while I was typing the email two batters got out.”
Who could’ve predicted?
36th over: England 67-6 (Foakes 7, Woakes 7) Woakes edges a single, then Foakes moves off side to clip a leggy one around the corner for four.
“Root must be regretting not playing Matt Parkinson in this match,” surmises Gary Naylor. “After all the batsmen have failed, he’d be the ideal player to drop.”
35th over: England 62-6 (Foakes 3, Woakes 6) This is the biggest embarrassment England has endured in the Caribbean since at least, er, yesterday. Joseph, who’s bowled beautifully since lunch and nicely before that, sends down five dots, then Foakes fends off the ribs and they run two.
34th over: England 60-6 (Foakes 1, Woakes 6) Roach nips one back, clouts Foakes on the pad and appeals ... this is close ... but the umpire says no, Brathwaite says no, and spin vision shows it was going over the top. Foakes then gets off the mark with one to fine leg, then Woakes manufactures width, shmeissing a cover drive to the fence. The counter-attack is away!
“Lovely to have Test cricket at this time of day, rather than waking up and just despairing as we all did during the Ashes,” says Stephen Brown. “I guess maybe England should have been pretty happy with the flat tracks of the last couple of matches and asked for another. Obviously we don’t know how well Braithwaite and co. will do in their innings, but I suspect the on series win for England in the Windies is probably going to remain intact isn’t it?”
I agree. It’s much nicer to enjoy the collapse as an end of day reward, rather than wake up to it with anguish.
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33rd over: England 55-6 (Foakes 0, Woakes 2) There’s no sight in cricket more thrilling than an England collapse in full cry, and this is now, absolutely and unmistakably, that. Woakes gets off the mark immediately with two to backward point, and this is like when you pull someone’s chair away as they’re about to sit down: one of those things that’s hilarious every time you see it, no matter how many times you’ve seen it before.
WICKET! Bairstow c Da Silva b Joseph 0 (England 53-6)
Lovely, lovely bowling from Joseph, the one that nips back followed by the one that shapes away, and Bairstow can’t help but feel for it, edging behind. England batted sensibly in the morning and I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it, but we’re in our bubble now!
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33rd over: England 53-5 (Bairstow 0, Foakes 0) That shot Ben Stokes played, though. Sure, the score needs to move, but swiping at pull on 2 and at 53-3? Silly behaviour.
32nd over: England 53-5 (Bairstow 0, Foakes 0) Respect to Roach for putting the disappointment of two balls earlier behind him and bowling another tester; what’s a competitive total on this track? I’ve not a clue!
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WICKET! Lees c Da Silva b Roach 31 (England 53-5)
Momentum is with England now! A lovely, lively delivery from Roach nips back in, and all Lees can do is edge behind. I’m not sure we’re getting another draw here.
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32nd over: England 53-4 (Lees 31, Bairstow 0) Bairstow has played well lately, but can he play the innings England need when they really need it? Lees is on strike though, and does he edge Roach’s third ball? The bowler thinks he heard something, but the umpire does not, and Brathwaite opts not to review - that’s what you get when you burn opportunities on punts, as West Indies did this morning.
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WICKET! Stokes c&b Joseph 2 (England 53-4)
Stokes has a swipe at a shorter one, mistimes it, and toe-ends a simple chance that Joseph snaffles easily, before tossing the ball to the umpire like a boss! It took a while to get going, but the England juggernaut is well and truly on the move now!
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31st over: England 49-3 (Lees 27, Stokes 2) Joseph is bowling nicely now, enticing a a false stroke by slanting across Stokes again; he fiddles, edging into the ground.
30th over: England 53-3 (Lees 31, Stokes 2) Lees throws hands across his body when Roach hands one out wide, ball a blue Rizla Raw natural unrefined rolling paper from clattering leg stump and earning four. They’re the only runs from the over.
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29th over: England 49-3 (Lees 27, Stokes 2) Joseph, who grew into his pre-lunch spell, resumes after it while, in comms, Steve Harmison wonders if Stokes will see him as the one to score off, given the likelihood of the others to be “in and around off stump”. Bada-bing! You absolutely love to see it! A single to each batter, then a final delivery that’s a bit shorter and slanted across Stokes, leaving him as he fences.
28th over: England 47-3 (Lees 26, Stokes 1) Roach to set us away, Stokes on strike, and he’ll know the onus is on him to score some difficult runs after cashing in last week; he scores the sole run this over yields, slicing to cover.
“My wife, who’s quite, y’know, posh, been skiing an’ everyfink, to quote Mickey Flanagan,” says Nick Lewis, “insists on calling this marvel of breakfast gastronomy eggy bread. Apparently ‘French Toast’ is parvenu, aspirational, common. She harbours similar thoughts about ‘toilet’ (loo) and ‘lounge’ (sitting room) and ‘crumpet’ (pikelet). This is the main reason I always call it French Toast.”
And rightly so; my wife finds my deployment off guttural ch sounds annoying, so instead of talking about chummus, I talk about chhhhhummus and so on. The loo v toilet split, though, at least in my experience, is women v men. I’ve no idea why and it’s probably nonsense.
Righto, off we go again...
Are we allowing men in maroon? Seems something of a reach from where I’m sat.
The 5 man seam attack led by @kyle_mayers coming in for his first game of this @ApexGlobalGroup test series has given the #MenInMaroon an ideal start.
— Windies Cricket (@windiescricket) March 24, 2022
Join us for the post lunch session. #WIvENG pic.twitter.com/n7owaknS6A
“Crawley gifting his wicket with a wafty drive I see,” chortles Felix White. “This isn’t really news. At least he’s adding variation. Used to only be loose drive, outside edge, caught in the cordon. Last test it was loose drive, INSIDE edge, caught behind. Now it’s loose drive, no edge, caught at short cover. He’s becoming less predictable at least.”
The right-handed Gower.
Lunch-time email, and Brian Withington returns: “Dan Lawrence’s comprehensive dismissal prompts me that another important qualifying criteria for the budding DRS Vampire should be: (c) whilst not proffering said pad as described in (a) in a manner designed to render the batter plumb LBW and; (d) in the event described in (c), to not then compound matters by throwing away a batting DRS review in the forlorn hope of salvation.”
These are sound points. On first look, I thought it was even outer than it was, but still, an absolutely hilarious review.
That was a terrific session of Test-match cricketTM. West Indies have bowled well and actually, England have batted reasonably in difficult circumstances - the fabled collapses for which they’re rightly famed are characterised by a lack of application and technique, which isn’t really what we’ve seen so far. But worry not – there’s time. I’m off for some crisps and sweets, but join me again in half an hour or so for what should be a riveting afternoon sesh.
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27th over: England 46-3 (Lees 26, Stokes 0) Goodness me, the second delivery of Joseph’s over pogos off the seam and away from Lees’ push; I say, it’s lucky England don’t have their two most successful bowlers in the hutch. I doubt anyone would have any interest in seeing their legendary genius on helpful tracks involved in a series decider! Another maiden, and that is lunch.
26th over: England 46-3 (Lees 26, Stokes 0) England have actually batted OK this morning – yes, for them. Crawley got himself out, but the others have coped pretty well with decent bowling on a sporting surface, and if one or two can ride their luck, a competitive total is gettable. A wicket maiden, the third of the morning.
LAWRENCE IS GAWN!
More gawn than that loving feeling, the ball hitting leg stump two thirds of the way up. Great globule from Seales, and England are in their usual trouble.
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ENGLAND REVIEW!
Good luck with that one, mates.
WICKET! Lawrence lbw b Seales 8 (England 46-3)
Lawrence pushes forward, the ball moves in off the seam, raps his pad and that is p-l-u-m-b.
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25th over: England 46-2 (Lees 26, Lawrence 8) Lawrence fetches a wide one and half-bats through point for two, then plays and misses at one he might easily have left. A single follows.
24th over: England 43-2 (Lees 26, Lawrence 5) Have a look! A fine delivery from Seales zips late off the seam, crashing into Lees’ pad and knocking him off his feet! Lovely stuff. And as we see a replay, it looks like Lees is smiling as he faces; he probably isn’t, but it’s a nice thought. Maiden.
23rd over: England 43-2 (Lees 26, Lawrence 5) Joseph’s extra pace means he needs to be a bit more careful with his line and length ... and he is! His best ball of the spell leaves Lawrence outside off, then the following one, the last of the over, forces a strange contortion to play it down into the ground off the edge. Maiden, and much better.
22nd over: England 43-2 (Lees 26, Lawrence 5) Lawrence breaks the wrist to guide a single to cover, almost a table-tennis shot. Seales then brings one into Lees, squaring him up, but can’t contact the edge, then the next ball jags in big off the seam, missing everything as Lees leaves. I am enjoying this, friends, even before I get to write the last two words of the previous sentence ... and all the more so when the over finishes with an edged four.
“Apropos of nothing other than the joie de vivre prompted by Dan Lawrence’s review earlier,” says Brian Withington, “I would like to suggest a specialist upper order role of ‘DRS Vampire’. This would be a batter who has the happy knack of extracting unsuccessful reviews from the opposition. Candidates would be experts at (a) proffering the pad in a seductive manner designed to excite bowler and wicket keeper whilst leaving the more staid umpire unperturbed (and subsequently vindicated); and/or (b) regularly brushing the pad with bat to simulate a fine snick to the keeper whilst narrowly playing and missing to a frenzy of excitable appeals. In recognition of this valuable but currently unrecognised role, for every review thus snaffled perhaps the batter should receive some compensation in official batting averages, such as dividing runs scored by an adjusted ‘net dismissals’ factor? Just a thought. As you were.”
A hangdog face would also be helpful – football’s Harry Maguire and Steven Gerrard would be particularly good at this.
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21st over: England 38-2 (Lees 22, Lawrence 4) Mayers nips off for something or other – a flute and a cigar, I hope – so Joseph gets a go and his second ball flies down the leg side and beyond Da Silva’s dive, sailing away for four byes. Lawrence then turns to leg for three, and this is bubbling nicely.
20th over: England 31-2 (Lees 22, Lawrence 1) Seales returns and Lawrence fiddles him to fine leg for the single that sets him away. That brings Lees onto strike, and it’s worth noting that, on the spiciest track of the series, he looks the most comfortable he’s looked through the series. Apologies to those of you now cursing me in advance of his imminent dismissal.
“No, just a Robin Hobbs,” returns, er, Robin Hobbs. “The former Streatham & Marlborough 3rd XI opening bat. Good one on the gas cooker, not heard that one!”
Tangentially, my nipper returns from school the other week and goes, incredulously, “Is his name really Poo Tin? A tin you do a poo in? Ahahahahaha!”
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19th over: England 30-2 (Lees 22, Lawrence 0) Another delicious seed from Mayer, full and keeping low as it zips past Lees’ edge. He has outlawed the scoring of runs off his bowling, his final delivery jutting in and clunking Lawrence on the thigh. It looks a sore one, though I’d rather a corky in the sun than a penny floater in the winter. Mayers is now 5-5-0-2!
Andrew Benton returns to perform a public service even greater than telling me off: “Last test one of the OBO correspondents pointed out that the test is viewable free on the West Indies cricket YouTube channel. ave just checked and this test is, too, and its great to complement reading the OBO with a bit of viewing. You need to be watching from outside the UK – I’m watching from France at the moment....”
18th over: England 30-2 (Lees 22, Lawrence 0) It didn’t take us long to get back to desserts did it? Anyhow, Holder finds a perfect length for the pitch, full but not too full, and movement off the seam takes the ball by Lawrence’s defensive prod. Another maiden, and West Indies are punkt on top now.
“May I put in a few words for pork pies and flasks of tea?” asks Andrew Benton. “Thanks. Also, Daniel, you may not believe in curse of the commentator, but you may be subject to cursing as the commentator! Daniel Harris gets ‘em out with a flick of the fingers! Type with caution, sir, caution.....”
Heh, I’ve been waiting for this; David Brooker chastised me when I wrote it, so well done to him. I think my problem is that writing words for other people to read is already - a priori – so self-obsessed an activity that purporting to affect events as well is more than my fragile ego can tolerate.
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17th over: England 30-2 (Lees 22, Lawrence 0) Mayers is loving this – though he’s a little wide of off with the final three balls of his fourth over, it’s another maiden, his fourth in a row.
“Before we go any further,” says John Starbuck, “let’s take a moment to realise that the term’ eggy-bread’ is supposed to be used only for children. The most common adult term is ‘French toast’, but it used to be known as ‘poor knight’s pudding’ when a gentleman couldn’t afford a proper dessert. That was usually fried in butter. However, if it’s white bread, fried in butter with jam and cream added afterwards, it becomes ‘Windsor knight’s pudding’. Just goes to show what a class-ridden society we were and, in some cases, still are.”
This country.
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REVIEW! NOT OUT!
Yup, that was going down and wasn’t that close. I get why Brathwaite took the chance having elected to field, but I can’t grasp why anyone thought that was even close.
16th over: England 30-2 (Lees 22, Lawrence 0) Lawrence played superbly in Barbados, but being grooved brings pressure to score. I remember Marcus Trescothick once saying that when he was young, the best piece of advice he received was practise harder when you’re in form to make sure you make the most of it. And have a look! After Lees squirts a single, Holder raps him on the pad – I think it was going down, but when the umpire says not out, West Indies review!
“Aside from catching a random World Cup match on an airport television in India, and watching the documentary ‘Fire in Babylon’ I’ve little experience with the game of cricket,” emails Ian Little about 10 minutes ago. “But, thanks to ESPN+ here in the US, I can turn on this test match while working. Boy Howdy! Aside from wanting to be sitting in that sunshine and warm wind, I have one other thought: the English batters seem to have zero fear of the bowlers and the bowlers seem to be consistently, seriously wide of the wicket. Are they just waiting for the English batters to lose patience?”
Welcome to this thing of ours!
15th over: England 29-2 (Lees 21, Lawrence 0) Lawrence digs out the final ball of the over, a full inswinger, so Mayers has now bowled three overs and taken two wickets for no runs. Decent selection, imo.
WICKET! Root c Da Silva b Mayers 0 (England 29-2)
Now we’re talking! Another scrambled seam, Root feels outside off, edges, and the game done changed! Mayers is now 2.5-2-0-2, and England are in a situation! Of course they are!
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15th over: England 29-1 (Lees 21, Root 0) Mayers continues and he looks a handful, his wobble-seamers a decent bet to exploit the variable bounce.
14th over: England 29-1 (Lees 21, Root 0) Holder’s finding decent movement here, wiping his fingers down the ball to generate backpsin, and his first ball beats Lees, whacking the pad but missing the stumps. Lees then takes two to fine leg before crashing the final delivery of the over for four through mid off, and that is drinks.
“Waitrose and M&S indeed,” chides Matt Dunnill, who must not realise this is the Guardian, darling. “In a time where the cost of living is sky-high, might I suggest everyone stop going to Lords and whatnot and just watch some local cricket? There’s nowt wrong with taking a picnic blanket and some jam sandwiches, maybe some bread and dripping - that’s where the real dreams are made.And while I’m on it. My mate and I would often stand by the cooker and have ‘eggy bread moments’ while pouring scorn on the well-to-do. And no. It’s not quails eggs either.”
Ah, eggy bread, a cub-camp classic – the bongo someone nicked off his dad and brought with less so, especially given we were seven at the time.
13th over: England 23-1 (Lees 15, Root 0) Crawley doesn’t strike me as someone who does much cursing, but he’ll be exceedingly miffed with his largesse in gifting West Indies that wicket. And Mayers finishes the over with a beauty, a cutter so late it’s almost posthumous, to paraphrase John Arlott, and Root swishes but gets nowhere near. Wicket maiden, and already Mayers looks a canny selection.
After that wicket, we cut to Michael Vaughan in the studio.
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WICKET! Crawley c Brathwaite b Mayers 7 (England 23-1)
They’ve got a wicket in the – crucial – first hour! And it’s an absolute gift! Crawley drives a cross-seamer uppishly to short cover, and off he pops!
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12th over: England 23-0 (Lees 15, Crawley 7) Choosing to field and getting nee wickets in the first hour is not something Brathwaite was after, but West Indies are nearly at that point as Holder tries from around to Lees. It’s not a bad call either: immediately, he jags one in that keeps moving off the seam – we’ve not seen swing like that until now – and that’s another maiden.
11th over: England 23-0 (Lees 15, Crawley 7) Mayers replaces Roach, on before Joseph because the latter prefers the other end, ploughing through a tight but unthreatening maiden.
“Can only assume @DanielHarris has never seen mine and @jonawils’s cricket picnic (including #CheeseForLees),” tweets @byekitty, and she’s right, I haven’t. However, ultimately I’m a hot food guy – if I drill down into my innermost psyche, I think that’s really what I’m saying – so would always prefer something from a stall than any kind of supermarket or specialist store. And I say that as someone who until last summer anticipated the pre-match shop as much as the match itself.
10th over: England 23-0 (Lees 15, Crawley 7) Lees drops into the off side and they sprint one – that’s good to see, a new opening partnership settling – and the throw to the non-striker’s misses. Holder then fires one into Crawley’s pad, bat nowhere to be seen – the ball was flying way down, but it’s another to put doubt into minds. A single follows, and this is a good start for England.
9th over: England 21-0 (Lees 14, Crawley 6) Crawley turns to fine leg for one, then Lees comes forward well. Already, this is more intense than the second Test, Lees turning three to midwicket – that seems more aggressive than anything he did before lunch on day one in Barbados. Those are the only runs from the over, the best delivery of which is the last, Roach bringing Crawley forward for him to edge into his front pad – I think.
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8th over: England 17-0 (Lees 11, Crawley 5) Holder replaces Seales and immediately persuades one to jag in off the pitch – it’s too good for Lees, who wears it on the pad, but there’s no appeal because it was high. This should be a good track for him, because he can extract bounce with his height, while anything he sends full might misbehave. Another maiden.
7th over: England 17-0 (Lees 11, Crawley 5) Can I share something with you? It is my contention that the food at Lord’s is now so good that the cricket picnic feels finished. I’m not saying one shouldn’t visit with bags of munch, because being able to dip hands by feet and pull out a treat is special. But we’re talking crisps, sweets and cakes, because there’s nothing substantial Waitrose or M&S offer that can’t be beaten inside the ground. Yes, I am hungry. Anyway, back to the middle, Crawley comes forward to Roach only for a grubber to scuttle along the turf – if that was at the stumps, England would be one down. Maiden.
6th over: England 17-0 (Lees 11, Crawley 5) We see that the first appeal wasn’t hitting either, then Lees pulls an attempted bumper for four to deep midwicket. The ball stuck in the pitch and sat up there, but once the moisture dries, that might happen less. Anyhow, Lees clips another to midwicket and Blackwood chases, backheels right as it gets to the fence, leaps over it, and watches the ball dribble into it for another four. Laugh!
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5th over: England 9-0 (Lees 3, Crawley 5) I should note, this time Crawley wasn’t playing a shot – the first appeal, he tried a twizzle to leg – but he’s unfazed, driving the ball after next through mid on for the first boundary-four of the match.
REVIEW! NOT OUT!
It was missing on hight and on line. Other than that, it was plumb.
5th over: England 5-0 (Lees 3, Crawley 1) Again, Crawley takes one on the pad, this time from Roach, and this time West Indies do review! It’s another back leg job, but this time it’s high on the thigh pad – a touch too high, I think....
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4th over: England 5-0 (Lees 3, Crawley 1) Another lovely delivery from Seales bounces then deviates off a proud and vertical seam – Crawley isn’t close to it, but the doubts will be sneaking into his mind. Three more dots follow, then a fuller one clips Crawley’s back heel and there’s an appeal. It looked like it was going down to me, but remember Crawley takes an off-stump guard, so his margin is smaller; they run a leg bye and there’s no review.
“That can’t be…. the Robin Hobbs emailing in just now, can it?” wonders Nad Godden. “The Essex and England leg-spinner of my youth?”
Just don’t leave him alone with your gas cooker.
3rd over: England 4-0 (Lees 3, Crawley 1) Crawley takes an off-stump guard prior to facing his first ball and Roach finds a bit of bounce and movement, contacting the inside edge; this looks by far the best track of the series. Or, put another way, England could well be 42-6 at lunch. Meantime, Crawley tucks into the on side for a single, the only run from the other.
“Would you really AndyinBrum?” asks Matt Deasey. “Would you really turn down getting paid to go on an extended jolly round the Caribbean watching cricket?”
My inclination is not, but the point remains: asking someone to participate in a cricket tour with no prospect of actually playing cricket is a lot, and makes you wonder what the point was.
2nd over: England 3-0 (Lees 3, Crawley 0) West Indies bowlers are under pressure here, because by opting to bowl, Kraigg Brathwaite is telling them to deliver. And ooh yeah! Seales finds some serious lift fourth ball, nipping back as well in the process of chopping Lees in half. There’s a noise, but no edge – perhaps it was ball on thigh pad, or bat on back pad – and Lees responds well, guiding two to cover.
1st over: England 1-0 (Lees 1, Crawley 0) Roach starts from around to the left-handed Lees and there’s a touch of movement – through the air and off the pitch – but not loads. Lees handles it easily enough, bunting the final ball over the over into the off side and ambling down the other end.
Kemar Roach has the ball, and ... play.
Both teams take the knee. BT leave the description of that to Matt Smith.
“What I don’t get about this idea of dropping Branderson and England’s other bowlers needing to step up,” says Robin Hobbs, “is Woakes suddenly being the new ‘attack leader’ (whatever that means). Woakes isn’t some promising young quick who needs a bit of responsibility to reach the next level. He’s 33. That’s older than Darren Gough was when he retired from Tests.”
Agreed. Different players age differently, depending on their career-paths, but I assumed he’d played himself out of contention in Australia.
By way of compensation:
“Not picking Parkinson is insane,” tweets @AndyinBrum, “and if I was him I’d tell them to go and shove it next time they ask him to tour, unless they’re going to guarantee he’ll play. What a nonsense.’
Elite sport is hard. But yeah, it’s hard to fathom a plan with him; surely this would’ve been a good series in which to give him a twirl? Seems unlikely he’s getting a go against New Zealand in May/June, and nothing about Joe Root’s captaincy suggests he’s tossing in an untried leggy against South Africa.
Teams!
West Indies: 1 Kraigg Brathwaite (captain), 2 John Campbell, 3 Shamarh Brooks, 4 Nkrumah Bonner, 5 Jermaine Blackwood, 6 Kyle Mayers, 7 Jason Holder, 8 Joshua Da Silva (wk), 9 Alzarri Joseph, 10 Kemar Roach, 11 Jayden Seales.
England: 1 Alex Lees, 2 Zak Crawley, 3 Joe Root (captain), 4 Dan Lawrence, 5 Ben Stokes, 6 Jonny Bairstow, 7 Ben Foakes (wk), 8 Chris Woakes, 9 Craig Overton, 10 Jack Leach, 11 Saqib Mahmood.
Email! “I suspect there’s a simple answer to your Fisher/Overton puzzlement,” writes Geoff Wignall. “As ‘being good in the dressing room’ appears to have become the primary criterion for selection (and for Root’s continuing captaincy), creating the opportunity to look at new players could mean exactly that: having a look at them. No need for them to leave the dressing room to achieve that.
Though more likely the thinking is that Overton offers a very marginally better chance of the win needed to leave Root securely set to reach 100 matches as captain.”
I find it hard to envisage a situation in which he’s the difference, but I’m regularly wrong; ‘being good in the dressing room’ has been important since they binned KP and arguably before.
This is a big morning for Alex Lees, who’s done just about alright without making a serious score. One today will earn him the New Zealand series, at least, but this pitch looks like it might do more than the other two. Daunting.
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Nothing to do with cricket whatsoever, but this made me laugh.
Thinking about the time a games mag, possibly PC Gamer, ran a competition asking readers to 'scare us' and someone sent in a load of telephoto lens shots of the team leaving the office. Dunno if they won but they should have.
— Andy Kelly (@ultrabrilliant) March 24, 2022
Ch ch changes: no debut for Philip after all, Kyle Mayers replacing Veerasammy Permaul, while England also make one change, Overton for Fisher.
West Indies win the toss and will field!
It must’ve been a tricky call – big first-innings runs are helpful – but today will likely be the best day for bowling.
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We’re now taking a closer look at the pitch and there is indeed grass, along with some moisture! Let’s see. MA Butcher, meanwhile, is wearing loafers with bare feet. Still, he’ll always have that square-cut six against Australia in 2001.
Love a debut. All that work, pain and suffering, then a moment. Beautiful.
The Windies huddle had a big round of applause a short while ago, so wonder if Anderson Philip, the right-arm seamer from Trinidad, is making his debut. Toss in five mins.
— Will Macpherson (@willis_macp) March 24, 2022
Other hand, I enjoyed Saqib Mahmood’s performance in Barbados, and think he’s got a big future in the side because his kind of skiddy reverse is useful not just in England but the subcontinent too.
If someone could please revelate me: what’s the point of leaving out Branderson to have a look at new players, to bin Fisher for Overton? Get it I do not.
Mark Butcher confirms there are “thick patches” of grass on a length, and Daniel Harris confirms that there are mustard chinos on David Gower’s legs. Butcher adds that Kemar Roach was imploring the groundsman not to shave the pitch, so perhaps it’ll do something,
Michael Vaughan is back in the BT studio. Hmmmm.
Carlos Brathwaite has been told to “expect runs”, and his experience of watching and playing cricket in Grenada tells him that too. There’s a bit more grass on the pitch, he says, but thinks it’ll be flat. Thing is, flat tracks aren’t the problem – Test tracks should be flat – but they shouldn’t be dead. There needs to be pace for the best quicks, turn for the best spinners, and bounce for the best of both.
Preamble
Don Draper didn’t teach us much – we were self-regarding, self-mythologising bores long before we knew him – but his – well Teddy’s – vort that nostalgia “literally means ‘the pain from an old wound’” gives an interesting insight into contemporary Britain.
We’ve been deep in a nostalgia trap these last few years, people reminiscing fondly, not just about Mr Benn, the Smiths Crisps advert and white dog turds, but about poverty, racism and mortal danger they never actually experienced; a heady mix. And Test cricket is currently experiencing something similar, two three-match series locked at 0-0 with just the final encounter to go. Who doesn’t feel a twinge in their heart thinking about sport that is a million times more stultifying than the thrilling fare we’re used to nowadays?
Yeah yeah, alright, there’s not much our to-do has in common with Pakistan v Australia – the action has been devastatingly slow for much of the piece and there’s no particular reason to think this won’t be more of the same. But it’s still worth our time, for the fascinating subplots and individual peaks we’ve enjoyed nevertheless, and because simply by existing, Test cricket allows us to travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.
Play: 10am local, 2pm GMT
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