’Tis the season to feel stressed out. There are fewer sunlight hours, year-end targets, and your mood hasn’t been helped by the driver who just splashed you with puddle water. Party season can mean less sleep for you and more focus on others – including your growing gift list – leaving precious little time to invest in your own wellbeing.
“As humans, we’re really good at wanting to help other people,” says Noor Hibbert, a transformation coach and bestselling author. “But we frequently treat ourselves like the enemy.” That’s why the way you speak to a friend is likely to be a whole lot nicer than your internal monologue.
Thankfully, there are ways to be a little softer on yourself, starting today. But first, let’s understand why we have this non-forgiving relationship with the only person we’re guaranteed to be stuck with for life: ourselves. Hibbert’s theory is that it all starts during childhood. “We’re brought up in a society that is based on moralistic behaviour: credit, blame, good, bad,” she says. And even when you’re free from the influence of parents or teachers, that primitive part of the brain can still give you a firm telling-off.
Ditching this negative attitude towards yourself isn’t a quick fix. “That’s why when it comes to self-compassion, it’s about way more than just a bubble bath. It’s the actual desire to understand your mind, become aware of what you’re thinking and then take action in telling your mind: ‘That’s not useful,’” Hibbert says. She actually makes her clients say the words out loud: that’s not useful! “I promise you – eventually, your mind will start to get the message.”
Something Hibbert recommends is writing a memo, or “love letter”, to yourself. Something simple, in language you’re comfortable with: “Dear xx, you’re incredible, keep going, you’ve got this.” It’s important to read it to yourself every day in order to remind your conscious mind that you’re in this together. Quell any creeping thoughts that this exercise means you’re big-headed. “It’s a cliche, but part of self-compassion is actually being able to look at yourself in the mirror and go: ‘I quite like you, no, actually, I love you.’” says Hibbert. “We’re so used to waiting for other people’s validation, other people’s opinions, other people’s judgment, but when we can learn to judge ourselves in a positive way we can free ourselves.”
There’s never a better time to start a new habit than right now. And actually, even autumn-winter haters have to concede there are some serious plus points to this time of year, starting with snuggly clothing that invites you to focus on the sense experience of wearing it, rather than just how it looks. “The warm fires, the cosy times, the Netflix marathons, the dinners with friends around, drinking mulled wine …” says Hibbert. If we make negative connotations with the colder months, she recommends working on pivoting our perspectives. “When you say winter is depressing, our mind says: ‘Oh, OK, I’m seeing this image of this winter and everyone’s sad and depressed,’ so it creates those emotions in your body. And now you won’t really feel like doing anything.”
A good place to start is to think of all those things you’d do for a friend who you were trying to show compassion towards. Is your home feeling cold and lonely? Practically an invitation to take yourself out for a coffee. Bad weather incoming? Sounds like an opportunity to wrap yourself up in a deliciously cosy sweater, such as this one from Uniqlo. Take advantage of the longer evenings to make a playlist – you can even have that cliched bubble bath if you want. But understand why you’re doing it. The more you consciously treat yourself with love and respect, the more your subconscious mind will begin to accept that you deserve it.
So rather than hitting hibernation mode and waiting for spring, now is actually the perfect time to prioritise yourself. “I think personal development of the self is the most powerful thing anyone will ever do on this planet. And it’s just not drummed into people enough. It honestly will free so many people,” says Hibbert. Show yourself you care and if you find something that works, keep on doing it, from your routine to what you wear while you do it. “If we can keep doing what makes us feel good, and repeat it on a daily basis, then we can really start to shift the needle on the trajectory of how we feel overall.” Make being kinder to yourself your new year resolution – and start now.
Want to make life a little better this season? Snuggle up to the soft touch of men’s and women’s knitwear from UNIQLO
