JULY
Experts are trying to find a way to stop grey squirrels breeding. Here’s my solution. It was reported this week that, due to a chemical imbalance, a man’s sex drive dips when he’s hungry. So there’s your answer to the squirrel problem - take away their nuts…
Please ignore the social media rumours that Boris Johnson got his hairdresser pregnant. Utter nonsense. There’s NO WAY he’s got a hairdresser.
To mark the 50th anniversary of the famous 1972 erotic drama Last Tango In Paris, starring Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider, there’s talk of a big budget remake. They’ll certainly need a big budget if the butter used in THAT scene is Lurpak…
Congratulations to my pal (and fellow Motherwell fan) Andy Wilson who got hitched last week. Again. Not suggesting he’s walked down the aisle once or twice before, but his Native American name would be “man with four toasters.” We had lunch in Edinburgh a couple of months ago and, call it force of habit, but he STOOD UP to cut his cheesecake…
As the UK basks in a sweltering heatwave (it was so hot yesterday, Prince Andrew nearly bought an anti-perspirant), I spotted an ice-cream van in Hamilton with a sign on the back saying “no ice-lollies are kept in this vehicle overnight”.
What’s your favourite ‘I was sweating like…’ line? I conducted a quick survey with some of my pals this week and here’s the pick of the bunch. I was sweating like…
Pavarotti’s pallbearers
A Scouser watching Crimewatch
The Weather Girls on a tandem
A one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest
Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah
A glassblower’s gonads
Leigh Griffith’s postman on Father’s Day
A 1970s DJ at the PC World repairs desk
Someone with a nut allergy eating a bag of Revels
Anne Hegerty from The Chase at an all-you-can-eat buffet
Ryan Giggs on Loose Women
A petrol station in Devon - the cheapest in Britain - was queued out last weekend after slashing 25p off every litre of fuel. The owner of the garage says he even had people driving down from Airdrie to take advantage of the offer…
Country music legend Dolly Parton has launched a store selling a range of clothing and furniture for pet pooches called, yep, Doggy Parton. I hear it’s open canine to five…
Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson has revealed he’s now vegan. He now only bites into CAULIFLOWER ears.
Britain’s sauciest vehicle registration - ORG 45M - is up for sale at £150,000. At that price, I hope it’s not a fake.
An American preacher says Holy water should be used in Covid vaccines… but surely it’d be wrong to take the Lord’s name in vein?
AUGUST
After a hugely embarrassing 3-0 defeat to Sligo Rovers in the Europa Conference League, my favourite response from a Motherwell fan came from my pal Stephen Reside, a member of the club’s Disabled Supporters’ Society who said: “As someone with cerebral palsy, I can say Motherwell are just like me - sh*te over two legs…”
Experts say blue tits are disappearing due to climate change. But they’ll reappear this winter, ladies, when we can’t afford to switch the heating on…
A 51-year-old toilet cleaner is at No.11 in the Amazon charts with a reggae song. And if he needs a few tunes for the first album, may I suggest Cisterns Are Doing It For Themselves, I Can See Clearly Now The Steam Has Gone and If I Said You Had A Beautiful Bidet Would You Hold It Against Me? Plus, of course, anything by Lavvy Siffre or Loo Rolls.
How’s this for a tribute? My mate from Edinburgh swears he saw a sign in the window of a chip shop saying ‘RIP Olivia Newton-John - from one Grease legend to another…
Sylvester Stallone and his wife nearly got divorced after 27 years. I understand they’d been going through a bit of a Rocky patch.
SEPTEMBER
It’s 140 years today since Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. Which means it’s 140 years and one day since he uttered the immortal line: “Where have all these f*****g moths come from?!?”
Loved the response on Twitter when one of Meghan Markle’s critics slagged her for having bare arms at the Queen’s funeral. “She’s American,” said my hero of the week, “she has the right to bare arms…”
My favourite Queen-related story from the past seven days? Princess Anne’s son, Peter Phillips, was captaining Gordonstoun School at rugby and the referee greeted him for the coin toss by saying: “Okay, do you want tails… or granny?”
It’s been revealed that, in 1526, King Henry VIII paid “a small fortune” to have the first ever pair of football boots specially made for him. I bet his missus lost her head…
A woman spent £20,000 on a birthday party for her CAT! Some moggies can be expensive, of course. I remember when my wife wanted a Siamese cat… and she told me they cost £4000! I bought two normal cats and glued their heads together.
Rapper Snoop Dogg is planning to open his own restaurant in Glasgow. The big man will be easy to spot in the kitchen. He’ll be the one chopping the onions with a credit card…
King Billy fortified wine (16.90% ABV) has been launched to rival Buckfast and I’m sure this will interest my Rangers-daft pal from Airdrie who recently joined a wine club. They meet every morning at 8am in the park.
To help pay the bills at her Huddersfield pub, landlady Lauren Beers (great name!) is posing topless for X-rated subscription site Only Fans. I might pop down for a couple of jugs.
OCTOBER
McDonald’s have now added an “adult” Happy Meal to their menu. Two questions. Do you still get a toy? And does it need batteries?
Good luck to my neighbour’s laddie who makes his debut as a DJ next week when his college launches its own radio station. He’s doing The Breakfast Show at 2pm.
Rangers beat Motherwell 2-1 on Sunday, just a few days after Liverpool had put SEVEN goals past the Ibrox side. Stevie Hammell now regrets not playing Motherwell’s answer to Mo Salah. He’s called No Salad.
Sir Michael Caine has agreed to do one last film before he retires… at the grand old age of 89! Don’t know what it’s called, but I’ve certainly got a few suggestions… Gunfight At The OAP Corral, Excess Wind In The Willows, The Dentures Of Robin Hood, It’s A Wonderful Life Assurance Policy, I Forget What You Did Last Summer, Sleeping With The Enema, Senior Citizen Kane, The Four Horsemen Of The Replacement Hips, Pneumonia Lisa, Shakes On A Plane, Gout Of Africa, Sleeping In Seattle, Diazepams Are Forever, Who Zimmer Framed Roger Rabbit, 101 Palpitations, The Postman Always Rings Twice (And Then Chaps The Window).
NOVEMBER
Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby have been drafted in by Save The Children to promote Christmas Jumper Day on December 8. A smart bit of thinking by the charity, eh? After all, as anyone who stood in the queue at the Queen’s funeral will tell you, Phil & Holly are the nation’s most famous jumpers.
An auction of pop memorabilia in the US included John Lennon’s famous specs. They’re the ones he wasn’t wearing when he met Yoho Ono…
The world’s population has hit the eight billion mark. Apparently, it received the official telegram from Leigh Griffiths. The former Celtic star was meant to be our special guest last week on Off The Ball, but he pulled out. Which proves, of course, that there really is a first time for everything…
Barely been on a train this year due to the strikes, so here’s the top three things I miss: 1/ Wee day trips to Edinburgh; 2/ Reading the Viz and Private Eye (I only buy them at railway stations); 3/ Overhearing juicy gossip from Gordon Jackson KC.
A wedding day gift from Mrs C, my watch is on its last legs. It’s one of those “perpetual” ones that runs on the energy provided by the motion of my wrist and, after 17 years, it keeps stopping. As one pal suggested this week: “Switch it from your left wrist to your right wrist and you’ll be fine…” (That’s an observation on all the writing I do, yeah?)
A survey says one-third of Brits have “lucky underwear” for first dates. This surprised my wee pal Senga from Airdrie who said: “Underwear? On a date??”
DECEMBER
In his local Asda store, Simon Lee was accused of shoplifting a tube of Pringles due to the bulge in his shorts. I can only doff my cap to you, mate. I once got accused of trying to steal a Vick’s Inhaler…
Dawn French says she’d like to die on stage. Ask your ex for some advice, pal. Lenny Henry’s done it LOADS of times.
A man in India who went to hospital complaining of stomach pains was found to have eaten 187 coins. Let that be a stark reminder, folks. Always get yourself checked if there’s any change in your bowel movements…
I see George Galloway is offering Zoom masterclasses for left-wing pundits on how “not to look foolish” on TV. And they start on Tuesday. It was meant to be Monday, but Rula Lenska’s taking him to the vet that day to be neutered…
The Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year - it means to reject social norms - is goblin mode. I thought that was Katie Price’s default setting.
Here’s the best Christmas cracker joke ever. What did the slug say to the snail? “Big Issue?”
The latest survey has suggested our favourite meal of the day is a cooked breakfast. That was certainly the case in Scotland the morning after Harry Kane’s penalty miss when five million of us had a sudden notion for scrambled oeufs avec French toast…
To celebrate England’s exit at the hands of France - and I swear this is true - you know what one of my mates did? He put his heating on!
Boffins at a science convention in Las Vegas have predicted what life will be like in the year 3000. At least two other planets will be inhabited by humans, people will FLY to work in the morning and the lyrics of a well-known song will be changed to “1034 years of hurt”…
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