Dear Coleen
I’m a 23-year-old woman and I left university in my first year when I was only 19. I’d got pregnant and my boyfriend and I decided we wanted to keep the baby and that I’d return to studying later. Our son is now three and I’ve got a place at my old university for next September.
Now, though, my boyfriend is saying we should have another baby before I return to uni, as we shouldn’t leave a big age gap between our son and a sibling.
I understand his reasoning, but I’m worried that if I don’t go back to studying now and have another baby, I’ll never go back. My boyfriend is 26 and has a decent job, and he won’t be the one who has to stay at home looking after the kids.
My parents and my boyfriend’s family have been very supportive from day one – they’ve always helped out with childcare and do everything they can to help us with our son, but I know my mum will think I’m mad to have another baby now.
I don’t want to look back and feel like I missed my chance. What do you think?
Coleen says
My two sons were born three years and 10 months apart, which is a fairly small age gap, and they couldn’t stand the sight of each other until they got to 17 or 18! They love each other to bits now, but as kids all they did was fight, which wasn’t much fun for any of us.
But when Ciara came along, eight years after my younger son, Jake, the age gap really worked in our favour – there was no sibling rivalry and both my boys loved helping out with her and were old enough to do so.
So, the point is, just because your kids are close in age doesn’t mean they’ll have things in common and get on. Even if you waited three years until you’d finished uni, your son would still only be six and you’d be 26, but with a degree to help launch you into a career.
You seem to be thinking logically about this, while your boyfriend seems fixated on the age gap. Keep talking about it to find a compromise and a timeframe that works for both of you.
Don’t be talked into having another baby if it’s really not what you want right now. A new baby inevitably means tiredness and stress.
Also, while your families have been supportive with your son, their circumstances might change or they might want a break from childcare, so that could be a struggle too.
