Late-night hosts talked Donald Trump’s 34-count felony conviction and Republicans scrambling to call it a victory for the ex-president.
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel was still “buzzing” from Trump’s guilty verdict on Wednesday evening. “Our one-time commander-in-thief scored the most guilty verdicts of every president ever,” he gloated. “Thirty-four in all, topping the 1972 Lakers, who won 33 in a row. And Trump did it without Wilt Chamberlain or Jerry West.
“It was a day that will be written about in history books,” he continued. “And for those of you watching in Florida, history books are things you used to have in your schools before Ron DeSantis was governor.”
Trump’s wife Melania was not in court when the verdict was read, “but she released a strong statement today, posting about how much she loves and supports her husband no matter what the outcome of the trial”, said Kimmel. “I’m kidding, she didn’t say anything. She said nothing at all. She was nowhere to be found. She was probably online buying a new summer hat, I don’t know.”
Trump’s conviction last week for election fraud involving hush money paid to the adult film star Stormy Daniels is just the first of several criminal trials for the former president. “This was like the lowest-hanging mushroom of the group,” Kimmel mused. “And it does feel a little bit unsatisfying, given the scope of the many brazenly illegal things this man has done … this is like if OJ had been convicted for speeding.”
Nevertheless, many Republicans were publicly treating Trump’s conviction as a victory. “Everything to them is a win,” Kimmel explained. “Every one of these Trumpers now wants to play this like it’s a good thing, like it’s great news that their candidate for president was convicted of 34 felonies.”
Kimmel held special contempt for the Republican politicians still publicly supporting Trump, even though “they know Trump is guilty. They don’t even like Donald Trump. But they’re so scared of him.” Kimmel decried Ted Cruz and “all the other pathetic sycophants jockeying for lip space on his big pimply ass by pretending to be outraged by this incredibly brazen attack on their beloved Baron von Shits-in-pants,” before clips of Marco Rubio, George Santos, Vivek Ramaswamy and Cruz calling the trial a “sham”.
“If you believe Donald Trump has been victimized, please, subscribe to Ted Cruz’s podcast right now,” Kimmel deadpanned. “What a snail.”
Seth Meyers
“Obviously, having the standard-bearer of your political party facing down the prospect of imminent jail after a felony conviction seems like less than ideal news,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night, “but Republicans have been consoling themselves by claiming that actually, this will help Trump.”
Meyers played clips of several Fox News hosts arguing that the verdict would actually help Trump win the upcoming election, including Jesse Watters, who said on air: “Democrats think locking up Trump locks up America First, but it doesn’t. It makes it stronger. Have you ever seen the prison bodies on inmates?”
“What an interesting question that I hope you’ve never asked within 500ft of a school,” Meyers responded. “No I haven’t, have you? In what circumstance did you see the prison bodies on inmates?
“It’s not great when your pro-Trump talking points sound like the fifth most popular search on Pornhub,” he added. “Also, there’s no way in hell Trump would ever get swole.”
Meyers had one question for the Fox News hosts: “What are you guys talking about?
“Maga world is so weird and pathetic,” he added, “they spend their time fantasizing about Trump emerging from prison with bulging lats and a six-pack, because you know my boy Trump is skipping leg day.”
Stephen Colbert
And on the Late Show, Stephen Colbert mocked a new Wall Street Journal report purportedly exposing concerns about Joe Biden’s age. The story, headlined “Behind closed doors, Biden shows signs of slipping,” claimed that in meetings, Biden appeared to rely on notes and “always had cards”.
“Chilling,” Colbert deadpanned. “I mean, if someone was leading a large organization and they had to check their notes, that would certainly give me …” he trailed off, checking a note card.
The article also claims that behind closed doors, Biden spoke softly at times and paused for extended periods. “You know where else Joe Biden does that? In front of closed doors,” said Colbert. “Sometimes he does it when there’s not even a door around! He’s really old.”
The article concluded that Biden is “someone who has both good moments and bad ones”.
“In clear contrast to his opponent, who only has bad ones,” Colbert added. “Still, I am confident that the Wall Street Journal knows that ‘old man is old’ is breaking news, but I’m sure they will balance that perspective in their article about their 93-year-old boss Rupert Murdoch’s wedding, ‘Young Buck Ready to Fuck.’”
Biden, meanwhile, will be in France to mark the 80th anniversary of D-day. “He’s there to commemorate when the United States fought the fascists at Omaha beach,” said Colbert. “Unlike this year, when we’re fighting them at Palm Beach.”
