Please help me before I mess up another relationship! I’m a gay man who is very comfortable having no-strings fun. I have recently met someone who has the potential to be more than that and we had a few dates before getting down to it. My issue is that I seem to be more free sexually when there are no strings. I almost wish we hooked up first, because now that I know him I feel too shy to be my full sexual self in front of him – or expressing what I like kills the fun of it in some way. What is going on? What’s stopping me? It’s a pattern I want to break. My last relationship was the same; I didn’t/couldn’t communicate what I wanted for whatever reason and never really opened up. I don’t want to do this again.
Your issue seems to be that you have a fear of becoming truly intimate with someone you care about. True intimacy involves sharing exactly who you really are with your partner – and that includes letting them know what your sexual preferences are and even the things you might be ashamed of in yourself. It may seem risky but, in letting someone in and asking for what you truly want, you are trusting another person with knowledge that may increase the bond between you. Perhaps you have never let anyone know you well before. Perhaps you are afraid you will not be acceptable or lovable to a person who knows certain things about you or who sees you as a sexually creative and potent human being. You have internalised shame about this; try to let it go and just be yourself.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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