Dear Coleen
I got married six months ago and I bitterly regret it and want out. We’d been dating for a few years, but Covid happened in the middle of it and we’d never lived together previously.
I’m starting to feel trapped and unhappy because, while he’s a nice, charming guy, and is always taking me out and buying me things, I feel more of a possession than his wife and his equal. I’ve realised he’s very controlling – about the house, about what we do, even down to what I wear and who I socialise with.
He’s not keen on most of my friends and even though he doesn’t say this directly, he’s always making digs and unfair comments about them. It’s got to a point where I lie to him about where I’m going and who I’m seeing just for a quiet life.
He’s also obsessed by my social media accounts, so I’m careful never to post anything on there that might make him annoyed or jealous.
I honestly used to be such a happy-go-lucky person and now I think about everything I do, so as not to upset my husband. I do love him, but I know this situation isn’t right.
My friends obviously can’t stand him, but haven’t said it in so many words, probably because they don’t want to hurt my feelings or seem disloyal.
However, my family adores him and would be devastated and confused if we split up, as we’ve only been married such a short time. I’m sure they think everything is fine with us. Please help.
Coleen says
I think you have to trust your instincts here. If he’s showing these signs within the first six months of marriage, then the chances are it’ll only get worse.
He’s charmed your family and he buys you things and takes you out, but so what? He’s also controlling and that has nothing to do with love – it’s about possession and insecurity.
You haven’t said whether you’ve actually told him how you feel or are you scared to bring it up with him? If you are worried about how he’d react, then that tells you everything you need to know. You should be able to tell your partner anything without fear.
We all make certain compromises in a relationship, but not to the point of being afraid to see our friends or to live our lives the way we want to. It’s emotional abuse and it’ll crush your self-esteem if you stay in this situation.
Don’t worry about being married only six months or what other people think. Neither of these things should factor in your decision.
I guarantee that if you told your parents how unhappy you are, and why, they’d be the first in line to support you.
It sounds like you’ve made the decision to leave, so let your friends and family help you through it. Good luck.
