One month after I ended my relationship, I went to see Esther Perel speak at the 92nd Street Y. She polled the audience, as she always does, asking, “How many of you are in a relationship or married?” For the first time in a long time, this wasn’t me. Then she asked, “How many of you are single?” As I raised my hand, a tear ran down my face. I felt vulnerable. It seemed so official.
This may seem overly dramatic, but if you’ve ever de-partnered from a long-term relationship, you will know that it is a trauma that requires a major dose of deprogramming. Breakups, even when self-inflicted, are like undergoing open heart surgery. Nothing prepares you for this type of loss. Culturally, we don’t hold space for the complexities of a relationship’s ending. Whether family, friend, or partner, we don’t acknowledge or honor the depth of such losses. After an ending, getting closure and moving on become the primary focus.
