So Johnson’s gone, in theory if not reality, and the Tories will soon decide who we’re going to hate now instead.
None of the leadership candidates bothered attending a key climate change briefing from Sir Patrick Vallance on Monday… oh, and they all voted against feeding vulnerable kids during the pandemic. So which really great person will be chosen?
Some have already fallen at the first hurdle, but not before they helpfully made little introduction videos like Love Island contestants, but with more clothes on, because no one’s that cruel.
Rishi Sunak
Presumably multiple focus groups and brainstorms revealed the (longer than four letter) adjectives most used to describe Johnson, so Rishi could sum up his own qualities with their opposites.
“Honesty” – shot of him looking earnest. “Seriousness” – shot of him holding his chin.
“Determination” – shot of him pointing at something, and not even considering letting anyone stop him from pointing at that thing.
He finishes: “We’ve had enough of division – I’ve spent my career bringing people together.” Like Eat Out To Help Covid Out, you mean? Oopsie, looks like you should have done one last focus group before the final edit.
Sajid Javid
“I don’t have a fancy new video, so here’s one I made earlier,” he tweeted, with the one from his 2019 bid. Bold but perhaps questionable move, as it didn’t work back then, did it?
Pros of this strategy: vaguely calls out try-hard Rishi. Cons: He’s left in the part where he says: “I believe I can deliver Brexit,” which makes it look like he doesn’t keep up with current events. That could possibly be seen as a negative in a Prime Minister? Although in fairness it never stopped Johnson.
Penny Mordaunt
Voiceover, of a bloke so tirribly tirribly British he sounds like a wartime public service announcement. “We’re starting the process of electing a new leader of the Conservative Party,” he tells us. Yup, had noticed actually.
“The party will have a new leader,” he goes on. Just as you’re wondering if they’ve accidentally included two versions of the same sentence rather than editing the weaker one out, up pops Oscar Pistorius, then Margaret Thatcher, then Boris Johnson. Is this aversion therapy? Showing us lots of terrible people so Mordaunt will seem better by comparison? Didn’t work.
Grant Shapps
Well aware how long he can hold people’s attention, this video lasts 13 seconds – almost double the length of his leadership campaign.
Standing by a wall in a park, reading something he appears to have written on his hand and keeps looking down at, he has the manner of a first year begging the older boys to let him play.
“My case for leadership,” he says, glancing down to check, “is simple.” Then he begs: “I can plan, I can deliver, I can communicate, I can campaign. I can help you win your seat, I can do your homework for you, I can give you my dinner money.” OK maybe not technically the last two, but same vibe
.
Liz Truss
Everything is varying shades of yellow – her hair, eyebrows, lipstick, dress, jewellery, face.
Is the subliminal message that she’s secretly Lib Dem? Liz starts by saying the Tories now need to “deliver, deliver, deliver” and ends by saying she’s “the person to deliver” before her slogan: “Trusted To Deliver” pops up. So a Lib Dem postal worker then.
Tom Tugendhat
Filmed in a cafe, wearing a white shirt, this feels like your waiter has sat down at your table to give you an unrequested lecture about the need for seriousness in our government. He says he has a vision and a 10-year plan, but no mention of the lunch you ordered.
“I will deliver,” he says, with an oddly threatening stare. Definitely noticed you’re bored, and going to spit in your food, for sure.
Rehman Chishti
Opens by explaining who he is, but this essential info is drowned out by wind noises (the weather kind, thankfully).
Also impossible to concentrate on what he’s saying because you’re too busy wondering why he filmed this by putting his phone on the ground and standing over it, and why he’s constantly gesticulating, like a member of cabin crew pointing out emergency exits.
This video is the opposite of Rishi’s in every way – budget, slickness, delivery – yet somehow that still isn’t a compliment.
