An officer worker who is asexual (Ace) and aromantic, meaning they experience neither sexual or romantic attraction, wants others to know they aren't lonely in life.
David Bradley, who lives in Everton, has never been attracted to others, at least ‘not in the way they were expected to do,’ and for some time they weren't able to grasp the concept of how they truly felt.
That was until, aged 25, they read about others who identify on the Ace spectrum and it began to resonate with them. Now David wants others to know they aren't lonely nor do they need pity and that, in fact, their life has changed “significantly for the better.”
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The 30-year-old told the ECHO : “For the longest time I thought there was something I was doing wrong because I wasn't interested in pursuing relationships like my friends. I thought I must be undesirable, and ugly. I didn't especially like myself. But since embracing my asexuality I know that I'm not wrong or broken. I'm just put together in a way that doesn't fit the world. That's the world's fault, not mine.
“It's allowed me to figure out who I want to be, the ways I want to look and act. It's let me figure out my gender, form closer connections with my friends, make new friends with so many amazing queer people that I never would have had this connection to otherwise. My life is so much richer because I am not stuck living it being forced into a box that I just don't fit into.”
When David, who identifies as non-binary, first came out as asexual, their parents didn't understand exactly what they meant and despite finally coming to terms with the idea, David said ‘no matter how much they reassure them, there will always be some level of worry that they are lonely.’
Explaining more on what being Ace means to them, David, who is originally from Middlesbrough, said: “It means that I am not attracted to people in that way. Basically think of how you feel when you see someone of the gender you aren't attracted to. That's how I feel about everyone. I'm capable of recognising when people are aesthetically attractive, and do feel some connection towards that, but never in a way where I feel a desire for anything beyond thinking they're nice to look at.”
Like the majority of those who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community, David said their journey of self-discovery was tainted by misconceptions and outdated views. They recalled being labelled as unwell and as a 'turbo-virgin', and even having their asexuality being dismissed as a symptom of illness. In a bid to combat these “dehumanising myths and misconceptions” asexual people are often subjected to, leading LGBT+ campaign group, Stonewall, has launched a “groundbreaking” research project, today on International Asexuality Day.
The project is set to explore the experiences, needs and priorities of ace Brits with a focus on employment, healthcare and higher education. The findings, to be published in a report later this year, will set out actions that politicians, companies and charities can implement to better support the ace community, something David argues is well and truly needed.
They added: “We need to break down the social norms that say there is only one correct life that people are supposed to pursue and that anything else is a miserable failure. All sorts of people, not just aces, would be happier if we weren't told from childhood that being married with two kids and a white picket fence is the goal everyone should be striving for. I feel like the divorce rate would be a lot lower if people didn't have serial monogamy forced down their throats from childhood. Once we start accepting other ways of life as just as valid as romantic lives then the better off everyone will be.”
The preconceived notion of a fulfilling life needing to include love is something the former drama and theatre student has never understood. When the YouTuber identified as straight, they asked out girls, largely in part because it was what they believed they were supposed to do and also because they mistook liking them as friends as attraction.
The former Liverpool Hope student said: “I didn’t know what attraction felt like. How are you supposed to when you've never felt it, but have always been told that everyone else does? One time after being turned down I messaged my best friend afterwards telling her and saying that 'at least I won't have to learn how to date someone' and honestly, how did I not figure out I was ace sooner?
"I am completely hopeless at recognising when people are flirting with me in earnest. I simply don't pick up on it, which I don't think is an Ace thing so much as me being socially inept. Me not seeking any kind of relationship is because I simply don't want one.
"The idea that someone needs to be in a relationship to be a happy and whole person is nonsense. I live a life that is fulfilling, I have great friends, I make art and education that I'm proud of and I just happen to not live with other people. If I ever get lonely well that's what having a cat is for. Not as a replacement for a partner or children, but as a superior alternative in my eyes.”
According to the UK government’s National LGBT Survey in 2018, at least 2% of Brits identify as asexual. However, a majority of cisgender (a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex) respondents who were asexual admitted they avoid being open about their identity in fear of a negative reaction. Almost half of asexual Brits said they were uncomfortable being LGBT+ in the UK; David argued one way to change this is to have better representation.
They said: “Media representation is a big one. We've seen a few good examples in recent years, like Todd in Bojack Horseman, Florence in Season 2 of Sex Education. Largely, though, aces are absent from the media. We just don't show up, and that makes it harder for people to understand that we are there and we are real. Bojack Horseman played a big part in me finding the language I needed to realise that being ace wasn't something wrong with me.
"I wonder how many more people out there might realise they're ace and just haven't had the language before if they saw it represented more often. We need open and honest discussions about sexuality taught in schools, something the UK still struggles with in the legacy of section 28. Teaching kids about queer identities won't turn them queer, but it will help the ones who already are to understand themselves sooner and the ones who aren't to be more compassionate.”
