Just when you hoped you’d reached rock bottom, parliament finds a way of going still lower. Westminster bows to no one in its efforts to let you and the country down. Luckily, it can’t let itself down. That would imply it had some primitive, protozoan conscience. Politicians who strive for dignity – who demand respect – prove themselves to be made of straw. Little men and women driven entirely by their own worst instincts.
Take the conflict in Israel and Gaza. The murder of about 1,200 Israelis by Hamas terrorists on 7 October. More than 100 hostages still held. The killing of 30,000 Palestinians, most of them women and children. Much of Gaza reduced to rubble. Food, water and medical supplies all critical.
This should have been the time for MPs to come together. They are always talking sanctimoniously about doing this. As if they had a monopoly on enlightenment. They alone can channel the nation’s higher power.
What we got was the exact opposite. An SNP opposition day debate designed to highlight splits in the Labour party. A Labour amendment created to prevent a split in its own ranks. One that bridged the gap between the SNP position and the Labour leadership. A Tory amendment whose only function was to knock out Labour’s, as there was hardly a cigarette paper between them, under the parliamentary precedent that government amendments kick out opposition ones on such occasions.
So there we had it. While more men, women and children were dying in Gaza, all UK parties were using the conflict for marginal, parochial gains. Just lip service to a higher calling. All claiming they cared only for bringing the war to an end. All so detached from reality they couldn’t even see they were lying to themselves. Just indulging in performative politics. Knowing there was no chance an IDF or Hamas commander was listening in. Nothing they said would make a difference. So they could say what they liked.
There were rumours early on Wednesday that Labour was leaning on the speaker, Lindsay Hoyle, to break with convention and allow both the Labour and Tory amendments to be debated. To save face for Keir Starmer. To head off a mass rebellion. There had certainly been no sign of Hoyle during science and technology questions that had preceded prime minister’s questions. Ample time for him to be got at. Though he could just as well have simply chosen to avoid listening to minister Michelle Donelan. She is the equivalent of a liquid cosh. One sentence and you’re out cold.
Hoyle had reappeared for PMQs but the moment it ended he was out the door. Hotly pursued by Starmer’s team once more. Clearly the speaker had yet to make up his mind over how to proceed. To go with convention and drop the Labour amendment or plead special circumstances and let the house vote on both amendments as well as the SNP motion.
The first sign of shithousery came when Labour MPs interrupted proceedings with a series of largely irrelevant points of order. First from Lucy Powell. Could the deputy speaker – Rosie Winterton was now in the chair – think of a way to get Rishi Sunak to answer the questions he had ignored during PMQs about whether Kemi Badenoch’s power of recall was sound or not? Rosie shrugged. If Labour was going to ask about Sunak not providing answers and Kemi being a liability, then we’d be here all day.
Next up was Liam Byrne. He too was concerned about Kemi. Were the Canada trade talks actually happening or only going on in her mind? Kemi? Deluded? Who would have imagined that? John McDonnell wondered if Winterton could help with visitor access to Westminster Hall. Rosie closed her eyes. Talk to the hand. On we went. Diana Johnson demanded help accessing the 15 Home Office reports that James Cleverly was sitting on. Christ, Jimmy Dimly can’t get a refugee on a plane, let alone construct a coherent sentence.
Then there was a concern about a £2.3bn fine owed to the EU – “cheap at the price” yelled the Tories – followed by one about yet more government troubles over the Horizon Post Office scandal. Above my pay grade, sobbed Rosie.
Finally, Hoyle returned to the chamber. He had made a decision. He would allow both the Labour and government amendments. The Tory and SNP benches went wild with outrage. And there were we all thinking that what they really wanted was for the hostages to be returned and an end to the fighting in Gaza. Silly us. There were shouts and jeers. The always pointless Desmond Swayne snarled: “Bring back Bercow.” Parliament was about to start its own civil war. So much more exciting than the one in the Middle East.
Someone else shouted: “You ought to be ashamed, Lindsay.” Hoyle didn’t look entirely comfortable. He couldn’t front this one out. There was a reasonable case for breaking with convention and he should have remained defiant. But he wants to be loved too much. Maybe he couldn’t bear the thought of not getting that peerage. It takes all sorts. He looked as though he would rather be anywhere but in the speaker’s chair.
The speeches themselves were unremarkable. Except for the unusual hybrid of piety and bitterness. Everyone holier than thou. Sanctimony on their side. Everyone wanted a ceasefire. Only they wanted their own ceasefire, not anyone else’s ceasefire.
Unbelievably, it all got worse. Much worse. Just before the vote was about to be taken on the Labour amendment, Penny Mordaunt made a point of order. Having failed to get one over on Labour, the Tories were going to throw their toys out the pram and not vote on anything. Not even their own amendment. Astonishingly, Mordaunt thought she was grabbing the moral high ground. Pass the sick bag.
Cue total chaos. A vote to chuck everyone out of the public gallery and sit in private. The SNP not even getting to vote on their own motion. An emotional speaker apologising to the house.
None of this was good enough. Not nearly. And over a war. If only MPs were capable of self-reflection they would be in a downward shame spiral.
This was their finest hour.
