When you just start dating someone, there is this honeymoon period where they seem so nice and wonderful, but time has a way of revealing that some folks don’t actually have that much going on up there.
Someone asked “What was your "I'm dating an idiot" moment?” and people share their dumbest experiences. From a basic lack of understanding of how temperatures work, to the inability to comprehend satire, get comfortable as you read through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
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They put shrimp in my food to see if I am really allergic to seafood or just being
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My Hispanic date said she would never marry a black guy because she didn’t want to have Puerto Rican kids. Edit: she wasn’t joking.
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We were watching the movie Se7en, where each murder is tied to one of the seven deadly sins. The first victim was found murdered after being force fed to death, with the big reveal being when they found the sin written on the wall behind a fridge or something I think. I will never forget the sound of this man’s voice as they moved the fridge aside to reveal his sin and he slowly started to realize which one it was… “Ooooooooohhhhhh. Gluten.”
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#27
Met a cute girl and asked her for a date. This was pre-cell phone or GPS so I asked her for directions. She state: "Go past the train track, take the second left, the third right, the second right then the second left and my house is the white one." Started at the train tracks, took her directions, and ended up in the middle of nowhere. Did this three times. So, just for sh**s, I started at the train tracks, everywhere she said 'left' I turned right and where she had said 'right' I turned left. Found her place on the first try. During the date she also told me she wanted to be a 'veteran' because she loved working with animals.
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He thought the national anthem started 'Jose can you see'.
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" dramatic."
Anaphylaxis occurred, epi-pen deployed, ambulance trip. The hospital suggested I press charges.
They never admitted it was the wrong thing to do. They never apologized.This was way back when (in the 90s), but a dude invited me back to his place for dinner, said he'd make scallops. I love seafood, so heck yeah!
That boy made Betty Crocker Scalloped Potatoes. Yeah, from a box.
He didn't even make them well, either. They were still funky and crunchy in the middle!
*But.......*
I met his roommate that day, and he and I've been married for almost 30 years, so it wasn't a total loss.She said that the temperature in her house never changed, so she couldn't understand why she was always hot/cold.
She had never taken the packaging off of the digital thermometer, so she was just looking at a sticker that said 72 degrees.He kept littering. I really hate littering. The day he spit his gum out on the sidewalk of a zoo I called him out on it. He says "It will evaporate". I laughed and said "Thats funny but no seriously you should just use the trash can.". He gave me a confused look. Thats when I realized he was serious. He was so convinced that trash evaporates in the sun we had a full on debate about it.
Edit: The f*****g idiot was me because I stayed with him for 3 years after that.Had a boy try to convince me that he didn't need to use a condom because I couldn't get pregnant while he was taking antibiotics. (Would have been the first time we got physical, I noped out when he would not tell me why he was taking them- I still think I dodged a bullet).We had a heated debate about whether or not dinosaurs were alive during the American Revolution. Her stance was ‘there’s really no way to know’.In my early 20’s, I started living with my boyfriend at the time. I got my period and he demanded to know what I had done with the egg.
Folks, this 21-year-old man, whose mother was a nurse, who had a sister that had just given birth to twins, thought that human women LAID AN EGG when they had their period.I took her out to dinner, gave her two options: an Italian restaurant or just like a regular restaurant where they served all kinds of stuff. She said she really hated Italian food, so we went to the regular restaurant. Where she ordered a lasagna.I have an Ex-wife who pretends to be allergic to chocolate (spoiler alert, she isn't), and one year for my birthday we went out to eat with all my friends and family.
I offered her some of my coconut shrimp, which she gladly accepted. 4 seconds later, she made a terrible "RRRUuUgggGgHHhhH!" sound and spat the chewed shrimp onto the table. As loud as she could, she said "Was that COCONUT SHRIMP?!?"
"Yes" I replied.
"Coconut??? COCONUT???..." She shouted, and was met with blank stares. "COCOA-Nut?!?" She hollered, trying very hard to embarrass me in front of everyone I know.
Once the laughter died down, I asked her if she really thought there was Cocoa in Coconut. We're divorced now, thankfully. .We were in the forest discussing a possible pregnancy scare. She wanted to 'knock on wood'.
She walked up to a tree and asked me "This is made of wood, right?"
Bless her heart,
(Thank God she wasn't pregnant....).In college, I dated this guy who was nice but kind of dumb. And he had some bizarre personal habits around the house, the worst of which was the fact that he only owned one towel and he rarely washed it, like once every couple months. It hung in his bathroom as stiff as sheet metal and as a rough as a cats tongue.
So, for Christmas, I bought him two more bath towels, a hand towel, and several washcloths. When he opened it, he looked quietly at it for a second, like a goat looking at a new fence, and said, “but I already *have* a towel…”
he was genuinely puzzled as to why anyone would own more than one towel since “it gets cleaner every time you use it.”.We watched Shrek and she didn't believe that the guy who voiced Shrek was the same guy who played Austin Powers because "their accents aren't the same."
I explained that it was the same actor doing different voices. She couldn't fathom it.
When I told her that Austin Powers' voice wasn't the actor's real voice either, that was too much for her to handle.Got in a big fight with my girlfriend at the time because I saw a bear crossing sign and thought it was worth pointing out. She called me an idiot because there was no way there were possibly bears in Michigan. I reminded her that we were going to the Sleeping *Bear* Dunes. That made us discuss if there were bears in our hometown (also in MI). I said yes. She said there couldn't possibly be bears in our hometown and I'm stupid for thinking that. We got in some ridiculous fight about how she can't date an idiot. A week later, a car accident happened less than a mile from her house where the car hit a bear. I sent her the news article, and that's when another fight started.I came home and she was upset about a news story she watched earlier about a new method of execution being approved in... I forget where, like Ohio or something.
She proceeded to explain the process, where one a person sits on the seat it automatically activates a grabber arm, which has a topical anesthetic applied to each prong to "numb the area to make it totally painless" before it twists their head off. There was more to it, but we got about 30 seconds in to her explanation when it was clear this isn't a thing.
I tried to reassure her of that, which led to an argument and her eventually sending me the video in question.
This was a video from The Onion. This was clearly not real, and not even clever satire, it was just dumb.
Even then I tried laughing it off and showing her where it was from and what they do, and she still persisted. It's the news, and they can't just make things up.
I left her that week.My period arrived when we were at dinner and he asked me to ‘hold it’.College girlfriend who was not a fully-functioning adult. Zero life skills. Got a flat tire while driving alone, stood by the car acting helpless until a guy stopped and offered to help. He changed it, but unbeknownst to her had set the parking brake. She gets in her car and it won't go anywhere because the parking brake was set. She runs out of the car and asks the guy, "my car won't go, did you put the wheel on backwards?" No s**t, she actually told everybody about it.When my ex decided to dine and dash but was stupid enough to leave his car in the parking lot of the place i picked him up from.....
drove him back took his wallet and made him pay the full tab and tipped the poor girl who was crying in the back $30.After almost 6 months I finally decided I could introduce him to my extremely judgy friend group. Sitting at the bar having a great time. My friend whispers “he’s a keeper” I’m thrilled they get along.
Not even a minute later while talking he states out of no where “well the earth is flat” and that he knows because “YouTube “
I sailed the globe in the Navy, my friend is a long haul pilot and he just kept referring to YouTube.
Thought he was being funny, he was serious. Took him home, dropped him off and never saw him again.
So. Still single!Google had an April Fool's joke one year where if you lick your phone screen, you can actually taste the object of what's being displayed on the screen. Needless to say, she did it several times and said it didn't work.She thought i didnt actually have a gluten sensitivity and was just being a picky eater so she told me she had ordered a gluten sensitive alternative to a food i wanted but actually didnt and watched me eat it to catch me lying. i ended up in the hospital, in a foreign country on the other side of the world.
three weeks later i got diagnosed with celiac and she lost a girlfriend.We were talking about my dog who was about to be spayed and the after care (how she will have a stitches on her abdomen). He was incredibly confused as to why she would have stitches there… I asked him to explain to me how he thought a female dog was spayed. His response “don’t they just …. sew it closed?” ….When they tried to argue with me about whether babies can breathe underwater or not.
Protip: they can't.Ex of my best friend: thought that a (online-) cloud is located in the actual clouds and was really concerned about his data getting lost when it started raining. Dude was 19 and working in trades.My ex would find a recipe online, not follow it, and blame the recipe for being s**t. Things like subbing breadcrumbs with flour, adding pepper flakes in dishes that are not spicy. Those were the most disgusting swedish meatballs I've ever had.Kept insisting that it's disgusting to not have a period/ regular period bc that how "the cooch gets clean", and I was nasty for not having one for a long time due to the birth control I was on FOR HIM.I’m embarrassed to even share this. But my ex truly believed that black and Asian people could not have babies because “they are too genetically different”. I wish I was joking.An ex dropped me off the first day at a job. He was late picking me up and when I called 30 min after my closing shift to see what was up, he said it was because the car was stolen. I called to find another ride so a friend came to get me instead.
Homeboy drove across the street to get a soda AND WALKED HOME. HE FORGOT THE CAR. We saw it on the way back to the apartment.Dated a woman who was sweet and sassy, but not terribly bright.
One weekend we went out for an afternoon walk and I made a casual observation about the moon (it was visible that day).
She stopped and just kinda stared at it. Told me "that can't be the moon!"
After some light interrogation I found out that she believed:
- the sun and moon cannot be out at the same time
- she thought the sun and moon were the same thing
- she thought that the moon is just the sun when it "runs out of fuel."
This kinda lead to whole rabbit hole of other things (misconceptions, light conspiracy theories, etc). We did enjoy ribbing each other a bit, but I felt genuine pity for her the more I learned and started to hold back.She had received an email from what appeared to be a spam Best Buy account. I told her over the phone to ignore it. Got annoyed and hung up on me. Deal with it yourself I said. Bad move.
Said she was charged $400 for a software she got when she bought her Mac. Ended up calling the number and downloaded a software to give the scammers access to her laptop to “delete the software”.
Somehow they managed to get into her bank account and transferred money from one account to the other. They said while trying to refund her the $400, they accidentally refunded $9000, instantly. They told her if she didn’t want to go to jail she had to go to Walmart and buy $9000 worth of gift cards.
I arrived home to her hysterically crying while still on the phone with the scammers. I jumped on the phone and knew she’d got got. When I hung up on them she gasped and thought she was going to jail.My first hint was when he insisted that girls on the beach were "cladly dressed." I could not convince him the term he was going for was "scantily clad." Nope, they were cladly dressed and that was the end of it.
Later he would watch those reality shows like Survivorman (I may be mixing up titles, it's whatever one would be dropped off with a backpack and camera crew) because he was confident the guy was going to die on camera at some point and he was going to see it.
I would point out, this isn't airing live, he's not actually alone (camera crew at minimum), and if he did die during filming not only would it not be aired but you'd probably hear about it before it could have aired anyway. Nope, I'm wrong, the guy is completely alone and if he dies we'll see it happen.
Also insisted Kriss Angel actually has a pact with the devil because otherwise how could he make things as big as construction vehicles and buildings magically disappear? He definitely really does, it's on camera and there's a live audience.
I gave up at that point.She didn't know dinosaurs were real animals. She thought they were made up, mythical creatures like a Pegasus.We were walking together in a park when an older lady with a small dog passed by, and she, inquiring about the dog, asked the owner, "is that a Belgian Waffle?" I laughed my a*s off and thought it was the funniest joke I had ever heard until I realized she was entirely straight faced. .Explained to her that Mules were sterile.
She then asked " If they are sterile ..how do they urinate?".When I mentioned that a particular restaurant made their own pickles and he firmly corrected me, informing me that "pickles grow on bushes.".We had stopped by a gas station as I was taking her home from our first date. As we got done in line she uses both hands to scoop out all of the change from the give a penny take a penny tray. She then dumped it in her purse and told the cashier, "Thanks for patronizing me."
I was honestly struck silent with surprise until asking her outside why she'd done that. She then explained to me that she saw someone do it one time and thought, "Wow, that's what that's for?" Apparently the cashier had said to her, "Thanks for patronizing me," after the guy nabbing the tray had left and now she thought it was some kind of hack to get that change. She was very earnest, she really believed this.
Then on our second date she said some terrible things to our waitress and that was when I learned that you can still learn lessons from people who have life figured out even less than you do.He had this PIN number written ON THE CARD THAT THE PIN WAS FOR.Not sure if she's the idiot or her friend. She got a tattoo from her friend with the word Angle on it.
Obviously it was supposed to say Angel.She and I climbed a small mountain about ten miles from the ocean. When we got to the top, she sees a small lake at the base of the mountain and asks me if it was the ocean. I started to laugh but caught myself when I realized she was serious.I have a copper bracelet I wear on occasion. It was hot out and I was getting sweaty so after several hours I had some green tarnish marks on my wrist. She freaked out thinking it was an allergic reaction. I tried explaining it was just from the salt and the same reaction is what made the statue of liberty green. Nope, still couldn’t grasp it and thought I was dying.Had an argument with a girl I was seriously considering dating until the moment.
She told me she was scared to hold her breath because she would pass out and die.
I told her that her body would continue to breathe, even unconscious, just like when you’re asleep.
We got in an intense argument about it. And we did not end up dating.In HS I was dating a girl, that when we watched the movie “300”, she asked me if all those people were real. I thought she meant live actors vs CGI. I told her a lot is real actors. She then asked me, “all of those people had to die to make this movie?” We stayed together for awhile after that, she had a great a*s.
