Turns out breastfeeding really does hurt – why does no one tell you?

‘When it starts to go well, it’s lovely, and if your baby isn’t premature and you don’t have to deal with tongue tie, undersupply, oversupply, mastitis or blocked ducts it might be a very simple, very peaceful, happy process.’ Photograph: Michelle Gibson/Getty Images

I never thought breastfeeding would be hard. When I thought about it at all, my mind conjured beatific scenes suffused with a sort of religious glow. There I was, genteelly offering the child a nipple in the manner of a renaissance Madonna, which the child accepted politely and cherubically. What a pretty picture we made.

Well, those preconceptions were – excuse my language – complete horseshit. These days I envisage more of a triptych: the infant Jesus spluttering at the breast, face purple with hangry fury; the infant Jesus possetting milk down Mary’s front; the infant Jesus and the nappy explosion.