Trevor Noah
Late-night hosts unpacked the official retirement announcement by supreme court justice Stephen Breyer on Thursday, opening up speculation for the 83-year old’s replacement. Joe Biden promised during the 2020 campaign to nominate the first black woman to the court if the opportunity arose, “because he cares deeply about representation and winning Georgia,” said Trevor Noah on The Daily Show.
Biden announces he’ll nominate a Black woman to the Supreme Court, and Fox News loses its s**t. pic.twitter.com/stCX9apJfz
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) January 28, 2022
“Now that’s what it looks like he’s planning to do, but not everyone is happy about that,” he continued, queueing up several clips of furious Fox News hosts, including Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson.
“There’s a lot to unpack here, but most importantly: being a black woman isn’t the qualification,” Noah said. “Joe Biden is going to pick a black woman is who also qualified. These people act like Biden is just going to show up at the mall and be like, ‘Yo, Shaniqua, come with me!’
“No, she’s going to be qualified,” he added. “And why is that a bad thing? Why not try to make the supreme court a little more representative of the country it represents? I mean, their rulings impact the lives of every person in the country. So it would be nice to have at least once justice on there who’s had to ask the Walgreens guy to unlock the shampoo shelf.”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert mocked ridiculous speculation by Fox News hosts over Biden’s nominee; Laura Ingraham even suggested that the White House might nominate Vice-President Kamala Harris. “It’s a possibility, I think she’s at least on the shortlist. I think it’s a theory that could be credible,” said the former Trump press secretary turned Fox contributor Kayleigh McEnany.
“Yes, according to theoretical sources, the name they yanked out of their keister could be credible,” Colbert riffed. “Let me clue you in, Fox News. Joe Biden is not nominating Kamala Harris. It’s a 50-50 Senate and she can’t vote for herself!
“And I know what you’re saying: anything is possible,” he continued. “No, it isn’t. There is no possible universe in which this happens. Thanos can snap that glove all he wants, but even the Infinity Stones could not put her on the court.
“Dr Stephen Strange is like, ‘the multiverse contains an infinite number of timelines, but in all of them, you’re an idiot.’”
Samantha Bee
On Full Frontal, Samantha Bee tore into Senator Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona, whose refusal to end the filibuster along with Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia has cost Democrats the ability to pass crucial voting rights legislation.
“Yes, America’s favorite centrist Democrat fun couple Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema heroically protected the filibuster,” Bee deadpanned. “We sort of understand this bullshit from Joe Manchin, a red state senator who calls himself a Democrat the same way Mormon teens call themselves virgins, but Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema is more a mystery.”
Sinema was elected as a Democrat in 2018 in a state that is trending blue, but has continually hobbled her own party – she voted against the Build Back Better bill, has worked to uphold the filibuster. “Sinema has basically been a pain in the butt for years,” Bee explained, “like an itchy lace thong you only wear when dating someone new.”
In a speech defending her refusal to overturn the filibuster, thus allowing Republicans to block the voting rights bill, Sinema said she would “not support separate actions that worsen the underlying disease of division infecting our country”.
“Lady, you are the disease of division infecting our country!” Bee retorted.
“By blocking voting rights, Kyrsten Sinema has done irreparable damage to this country,” Bee concluded, “and Kyrsten, I am talking to you now: in two years, you’re going to lose anyway. Why block progress? Be a one-term senator who fucking saves democracy instead of someone who craps on Americans while cashing checks from big pharma.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers touched on Biden’s tight-lipped dance in naming a successor to Breyer. “In our dumb system, there was nothing stopping Breyer from just changing his mind and sticking around, and we all just have to nod and pretend that having a forever job this important isn’t totally fucking crazy,” he noted.
“I mean, what about an employee review every decade, is that too much to ask? Whoever came up with the idea of lifetime appointments must’ve been,” to quote Biden on a hot mic, a “stupid son of a bitch.”
As for GOP opposition to any Biden nominee, citing whatever historical precedent, “there’s no reason to ever take seriously anything these guys say ever again,” said Meyers. “They blocked President Obama’s supreme court nominee eight months before an election, and then rushed to confirm Amy Coney Barrett eight days before an election.
“Now they’re saying even when it’s not an election year, they won’t confirm a Democratic nominee. Next, McConnell’s going to claim the constitution says ‘the Senate can’t confirm a nominee when a Democrat is president in a month ending in Y when it’s alternate side parking before or after Labor Day in a year when Tom Brady isn’t in the Super Bowl.’”
