Memory is a beast.
All those promises you made to yourself, of never again, because they didn’t fulfil a single thing they promised, listen to a damn word you said, not only not give you anything you wanted – but actively took away what you did have. Bastard!
They just weren’t good enough, didn’t deserve you, you’re worth so much more than that. But then, time passes and the new incumbent seems even worse. How is that possible? Maybe I was too hasty with the last one – was it me? Could I have tried harder? If self-slaps were allowed without arousing suspicion and medication, one should accompany a resounding “No! You fool! Remember what they did/didn’t do (delete as appropriate)!”
Going backwards, to eventually go forwards, only really works in car parks, and even then not always. But looking for safety and reassurance in what you know, or thought you knew, is a common human trait. My mum still misses Mussolini.
The truth is we get used to people, and things. We habitualise them, so we take them for granted and eventually start to hate them, and ourselves for choosing them. But experiences become more golden in time. So without the annoying ex right in front of you, it’s easy to forget the crap and remember the picnics. This is why memory is a beast.
Then you put loneliness and panic into the mix and things get really dangerous. Because neither are a good springboard for a sound and sensible decision. Good choices come from the prefrontal cortex part of the bonce, and are not amygdala-driven.
Before you get back with your ex you should ask yourself these questions: are they just filling a gap? If Logan Roy (it’s wrong but attraction is what it is) came along, would I still be interested in the ex? In other words paucity of choice is not really choice is it, but desperation.
And finally, the golden relationship therapy question: if they weren’t good enough for you then what has substantially changed to make them good enough for you now.
Unless you’ve lowered your standards?
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com.
