Whether it’s work social events, family gatherings or that dreaded (sorry, fun-filled…) Christmas dinner, the countdown to the festive season can be a tricky time for those who suffer from social anxiety.
Also known as social phobia, this type of anxiety is a long-term, overwhelming fear of social situations and usually starts during the teenage years. It’s more than shyness, leaving people worrying about things such as meeting strangers, starting conversations, eating in company or being judged by others.
It can create feelings of panic, fear and of being on edge and may be triggered by gatherings, large or small, which can feel overwhelming both mentally and physically.
Overthinking social events can create worry and fear about saying the wrong thing and create apprehension that can turn an enjoyable night out into a nightmare. It leaves people losing sleep about things that haven’t even happened – worrying they will embarrass themselves, be unable to keep a conversation flowing or be found rude.
But even if you don’t have a full blown disorder, these emotions are something many of us can sympathise with. One in 10 people say they dread social gatherings, finding they leave them on edge.
It’s a figure that increases around Christmas. Letting your hair down in front of colleagues or seeing friends and family you don’t spend much time with can lead to the most wonderful time of the year becoming an anxious cyclone of events they would rather avoid.
Rewire your thinking
Our thoughts are formed visually from the pictures we construct inside our heads and through the sounds which make up our internal dialogue.
People tend to fall into three groups – those who are more visual in their thinking, those who are more auditory and finally those who use a combination of both pictures and sounds to form their thoughts.
Put simply, the things we think become the things we feel, as our thoughts dictate and immediately influence our physical and emotional state. Anxious thoughts will always lead to an anxious physical response.
Anxiety tends to be built on concerns about the future. When it comes to social anxiety, people who are visual thinkers struggle because they mentally fast forward, imagining, for example, they are saying the wrong thing at their work Christmas party. This will lead them to feel anxious before they are even in that scenario.
The auditory thinker’s internal voice, meanwhile, may stress about being judged by family or loved ones long before they even see them, and these thought patterns trigger anxiety in advance of a gathering.
These feelings of anxiety can be overwhelming, but simply understanding this cause-and-effect relationship can help you to take back control, allowing you to alter the way you think and transform how you feel.
This will help you to relax in the present moment, reduce anxious thought patterns and, ultimately, switch off the physical response of anxiety in the body.
In my experience as a mindset coach, I’ve found the key to releasing social anxiety comes from actively using techniques that can change these thought patterns.
I like to think of these two exercises as a secret weapon that helps us to feel more at ease. So where should you start if you’re already feeling concerned about Christmas celebrations?
The remote control method
I tell my clients to think about an evening on the sofa watching television. If we don’t like what we are watching or listening to, we are most likely to turn over to another programme or mute the sound.
Then I ask them to try to do the same for their most anxious thoughts. Because switching your mind from continually rerunning imagined, worst-case scenarios around forthcoming social events can ultimately help reduce and even stop anxiety. It’s a common fact that most people will never experience the events they most worry about because the imagined moment never materialises.
However, time spent thinking about something and feeling the physical fear produced by these thoughts can have a long-term negative impact and allow social anxiety to take hold.
So if you find your thoughts about upcoming Christmas social events becoming negative, visualise yourself turning down the sound on your inner voice with a TV remote control, then try to take a moment to hear the silence you’ve created instead. It’s a simple technique that can allow you to feel more in control, and fast.
Equally, for those who visualise their anxiety, pressing “stop” on your imagination can help interrupt the thought patterns that spiral into anxious feelings. Using this remote control method on your thoughts allows you to have the power to change how you feel.
A new playlist
The words you say to yourself will always influence how you feel, so “installing” a new inner voice to get you through the festive season can help you feel less anxious and perhaps even enjoy some of the social times that lie ahead.
Inner voice work is a simple, proven technique used by sports stars, politicians and even pilots, and it’s easy. All you have to do is use your inner monologue to repeat short phrases such as “stay calm”, “stop overthinking” or “relax and take each moment as it comes”, rather than imagining upsetting scenarios.
Do this regularly and you can quickly change and improve how you feel about social situations through altering the tone of the dialogue in your head. Try it this Christmas. You really will see a difference.
The Anxiety Antidote by Kamran Bedi (£9.65, Watkins) is available now
