There is almost nothing worse than a post-social flashback; a sudden, salient, mental replay of waxing lyrical to your boss at the pub about the time your grandma fell over the rug drunk at Christmas – or some other nonsense they didn’t need to know about. The shame of overfamiliarity can be cheek-reddening. We spend mornings-after ruminating over verbal incontinence, making firm self-promises to be much more mysterious in the future, or else.
Over sharers, generally, get quite a bad rap. Like when Prince Harry revealed in his 2023 tell-all memoir Spare that his penis was suffering from frost bite at William and Kate’s wedding (along with all the other private information he shared about the inner dynamics of the Royal family). Or when Norwegian Olympian Sturla Holm Laegreid recently confessed in a live TV interview to cheating on his girlfriend, moments after winning a bronze medal. Both were highly criticised for their decisions to veer off-script.
Yet, as Harvard professor and behavioural scientist Leslie John demonstrates in her new book Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, oversharing isn’t all bad. Saying more than we feel comfortable with can actually benefit our friendships, love lives, careers, and our health – so long as we can summon the courage to be vulnerable.
“We hold back for good reason: because it’s risky,” explains John of our inclination to avoid meaningful conversation and stick to small talk. “We get this thing called post reveal disclosure hangover because [sharing] feels like you poured gasoline on yourself and lit a match. Career suicide. Actually, when we get these disclosure hangovers, we don’t see the benefits; that people are delighted by what we said. We ruminate on any weird looks. Really, [speaking openly] causes the recipient to trust you more, which is the spark of all human relationships.”
This is true even at work, where disclosures about our personal lives are often assumed to be out of place. In fact, John’s studies found that 85 per cent of employees were more drawn to colleagues who kept painfully transparent diaries (complete with therapy appointments and colonoscopies) than those who stayed private. Additionally, leaders who admitted weaknesses (fear of public speaking or previous job rejections) were deemed more inspiring and trustworthy by their teams.
In another experiment, inspired by the Sixties show The Dating Game where you could only choose who you went out with by reading their answers to a series of questions, John and her collaborators found that participants would repeatedly rather date the more candid of two potential suitors – even if they admitted to indiscretions like false insurance claims. No matter the outrageous admission, more than half or people always chose to spend their evening with the person who openly admitted wrongdoing than with the person who refused to answer at all.
Hesitancy to be vulnerable is hindering whole generations from finding love. In fact, Hinge’s 2025 dating report found that although 84 per cent of Gen Z users wanted to find new ways to build deeper connections with the people they’re dating, 14 to 29-year-olds are 36 per cent more hesitant than millennials to begin a deep conversation on the first date. So, nobody is getting what they want on their hunt for love online.
“The number one thing we consider when sharing are the risks of revealing” says John. “When we say something embarrassing, we can see on someone’s face all of their feedback and we get hyper fixated on that. What we don’t see are the missed opportunities when we decide not to reveal. Almost no one considers the cost of concealment. That’s a missed opportunity for intimacy.” And potentially a promotion, best friend or life partner, too.
Even if you’re already married, not sharing can come back to bite you. “In long term relationships, you have to share your feelings,” says John. “It sounds cheesy but there’s real science behind sharing. We need to think of feelings like data, information, or facts. Sometimes, a secure relationship will end not because someone did something horrible but because of something quieter. You wake up in 10 or 20 years with your spouse and feel like you don’t know them or they don’t know you. The reason that happens is because our confidence that we know the person outpaces our actual knowledge. The easy fix here? Share more.”
This is, of course, easier said than done – but John has four steps to make it easier, even for the most demure, private or anxious conversationalist. “I would start by doing an audit of your daily life,” she says. “Go through and see where there are times and opportunities to share. A huge issue here is that sometimes we don’t even realise we’re making disclosure decisions. Use this as an opportunity to bring that to light.”
Next, consider the cost of not saying what popped into your mind. Maybe you’ll dwell on the feeling that your colleague didn’t appreciate your contribution to a project, or perhaps you’ll resent your partner for not planning a date night in months. “Emotions find a way of seeping out in passive aggression if you don’t speak,” explains John. “So, you want to make a full, wholehearted decision about whether you’re going to speak up. The answer isn’t always to reveal but to be more thoughtful.”
If you do decide to share, whether it’s with a new potential friend or someone you’ve known since you were a child, you can still start small; nobody wants to get stuck in a corner at a party with someone up on their soapbox with a tiny violin. “It’s not the goal to go full throttle overshare,” John makes clear. “I’m not saying every conversation should be deep – no one wants that. Just try and share a little bit more than you ordinarily would. See what happens.”
We’ve been conditioned as humans to share more when the other person does, which means that generally speaking, openness is met with open arms. “The other person will likely match you, or go a little bit deeper,” John says. “If your counterpart doesn’t take the bait, ask a question,” she suggests, which is a simple solution – but one we often forget.
“We don’t ask enough questions because we worry they’re too prying – but studies have shown that that’s in our heads. Most of the time, we think the question is more intruding than it is,” John explains. “Actually, people on the receiving end perceive it as care or interest. People love talking about themselves.”
In an age of eternal online oversharing, it seems almost unfathomable that we could be struggling as a society to talk to each other. We share everything with everyone on the internet, from photos of our newborns in our arms at the hospital to announcements our loved ones have died. “There’s a complete paradox,” says John. “When we share things online, we don’t have the person – the eyeballs – looking at us, which is ironic because posting online is one of the most permanent forms of sharing, with the biggest reach.” Thanks to the internet, we’ve modulated our social norms. “The rules are completely upended,” John adds.
Ultimately, in-person over sharing is what can bring us success, intimacy, friendship and even love. So, it’s worth seeking out moments to be candid, even if it feels terrifying. “The single most consistent thing about all of my research for the first 10 to 15 years was when I gave people a space and I made them feel safe, comfortable and happy they were very forthcoming,” says John of her studies. “But it was only when finally doing it myself, even as a psychologist who understands all of the theory behind it, that I really saw the benefits to my mental and physical health... It’s really eye-popping, those results. It’s very therapeutic.”
Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing by Leslie John is out on 26 February
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