It’s 9PM on another Tuesday night. You’ve just arrived home from work and to be honest, life’s not going all that well. Your love life sounds like a Sam Smith song, you don’t understand your job, and all your mates are off having a European summer.
You slump on the couch. Dead inside, and hungry. Too lazy to make anything, too poor to buy a takeaway. You slip on your uggs and start watching Love Island.
Then, you remember.
You dash to the fridge like your life depends on it, swing the door open and there it is. Your best friend, your lover, the meaning of life itself and just about the best thing to ever exist. Chocolate (specifically ALDI Salted Caramel if you’re me).
You put a square in your mouth.
Heaven. It feels like a warm hug from a friend telling you “It’s all going to be fine”. As it melts, you feel your worries doing the same. You have another. And another. And another. And another. And suddenly life’s not so bad anymore (at least until you realise you’ve eaten half a block in three minutes).
But, and I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, this chocolate-flavoured bubble of perfection is about to burst.
It’s news more dire than Taylor Swift’s Australian shows selling out in record time. More shocking than an episode of Naked Attraction. The choc-apocalypse is nigh.
According to a July 24 report from food and agribusiness banking specialist Rabobank, the cost of chocolate is set to rise by 27 per cent.
Close the curtains and turn off the lights. This news feels like the day Alan Rickman died. I’m devastated, heartbroken, and not okay.
So why is the cost of chocolate going up?
Rabobank associate analyst Pia Piggott said in the report that major production regions in West Africa have had “very wet conditions and flooding”. This has subsequently caused rotting and disease in the trees. Additionally, cocoa production has also been affected by a reduced use of fertiliser, due to a lack of availability.
Piggott also said the spike in price is due to a 20 per cent increase in the price of sugar, which accounts for “60 per cent of the weight of an average bar of milk chocolate”.
And you might currently be thinking: “Wait, I was in Coles the other day and the price looked much the same.”
Basically, the contracts these companies have with cocoa and sugar suppliers are long, so this increase in prices has not yet hit. But let me tell you, the choc-apocalypse is coming.
How long will chocolate prices be high for?
To add insult to injury, there doesn’t look to be any relief in sight. Piggott said to expect chocolate prices to stay at these elevated levels “well into 2024” due to El Niño, a tropical weather condition which causes warmer global temperatures and creates poor conditions to grow cocoa.
As a self-diagnosed chocoholic who should probably attend some sort of meeting, when I received this news I did not know how to process it. It felt like a death, or a breakup. I started playing my “Saturday is for the (sad) boys” Spotify playlist featuring James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” and felt seen.
Afterwards, I quite literally ran to the grocery store and purchased 10 blocks of ALDI’s salted caramel chocolate to stock up, like the choc-apocalypse was due to hit at any moment.
I imagined myself forever consigned to a life of eating snakes on the couch and crying. A nightmare of monumental, Jordan Peele film level proportions.
I admit (now) in hindsight, I was being dramatic.
As I’ve thought about it longer, I’ve realised that it might just mean that chocolate becomes more of a special treat, rather than a diet staple. Does it mean you can’t run into ALDI at 7:43PM on a Thursday night in your trackie dacks and buy a block because you “need it”? No.
It might just mean we might all need to have a little less of it. Think of it like a chocolate detox, and we’re all in it together.
In the meantime, I’m off to panic-buy.
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