One in three children under the age of 18 suffer at least one adverse childhood experience (ACE), and 14% experience two or more ACEs, according to statistics from the National Survey of Children's Health.
For children, the bond between mother and father has a strong influence on their inner sense of feeling safe, protected, and loved and therefore on their emerging sense of self.
When there is discord, and separation (and this separation need not be just through divorce), there is an emotional impact. From a child’s eyes both parents are significant and discord between parents, separation or divorce can create feelings of confusion, guilt, and isolation. It’s a known world come asunder. There can be a deep sense of loss and grief. Depending on the age of the child, they can take it upon themselves that it some way they are responsible or have caused it to happen.
Knowing that there is going to be an emotional impact parents can take special care when there is a divorce to give space for their children’s feelings and hold it with tenderness.
Here are a few tips on how parents can positively influence their child's mental well-being:
The child’s hurt and pain need to held and allowed. It is a process of grieving and children need to grieve in their own way. The hurt, sadness, anger, confusion or however they’re feeling is ok.Listen to how it is for them without trying to explain their feelings. They need a safe space to say how it is for them. It’s not just a one-time talk but a space for repeated heartfelt conversations.It’s hard for parents to listen to how it is for their children because it can bring up feelings of guilt or feeling responsible or an inability to protect the child and this impacts how we respond. It will be helpful, therefore, for parents also to have supportive emotional spaces for themselves so that they can support their children better.They need to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that they had nothing to do with the divorce, it’s not their fault.Children need to know that no matter what, each parent loves them dearly and just because the situation has changed, their feelings towards them haven’t and will never change. That is one thing that will remain stable and that both parents will be there for them.Do not make your child your confidant and let them know the details of what went wrong or how you feel wronged by your partner. That’s not the child’s burden to bear and its’ not for them to look after your feelings.(Author: Sandy Dias Andrade, psychotherapist, Founder-Director of Just Being Center for Mindfulness and Presence)
