Name: The Fast and the Farmer(ish).
Age: Brand new.
Appearance: Two tractors blasting through a field on TV.
Why are the tractors blasting through a field on TV? Are they being chased by the police? Even better. It’s a race!
A tractor race. Yes! Doesn’t that sound amazing? Think of the sheer nerve-shredding adrenaline that will pulse through your body as you succumb to the incredible sight of two tractors racing each other.
Is this actually going to be on TV? Oh, it’ll do more than be on TV, my friend. It’s going to redefine TV. It’s going to sear itself into the public consciousness and make history.
A show about tractor racing? That’s right. BBC Three is back on television, and The Fast and the Farmer(ish) is one of its key titles. According to the channel’s controller, Fiona Campbell: “You’re not going to see that on any other channel. Everybody has said that is a show they’ve never seen before.”
Do you think there’s a reason why nobody has seen a show about this before? Come on, have a little faith. Sure, The Fast and the Farmer(ish) sounds abysmal. But, admit it, so did Robot Wars before you saw it. So did One Man and His Dog. So did Don’t Scare the Hare.
Don’t Scare the Hare was awful, though. OK, yes, you’ve got me there. But this won’t be.
Do you remember Touch the Truck? No, what was that?
It was an early Channel 5 gameshow about a bunch of people seeing who could touch a truck for the longest. I don’t remember that at all. Why did you bring it up?
Oh, no reason. Anyway, listen. Isn’t it good that we have a broadcaster willing to take big swings like this? If all shows were exactly the same, television would fail to move on. We need people in our lives, such as Campbell, who are ready to gamble their entire reputation on the level of interest in a series about tractor racing.
I still don’t think this is for me. Maybe you’re too old. Remember, BBC Three is a youth station, designed for viewers under 35. Maybe you just don’t like what the kids like.
And what do the kids like? National tractor racing competitions, apparently. Who knew?
Hang on, is The Fast and the Farmer(ish) supposed to sound like The Fast and the Furious? Yes. Yes, it is. Oh God, you’re right, this whole thing is going to be a gigantic disaster.
Do say: “The Fast and the Farmer(ish) is the future of television entertainment.”
Don’t say: “Next on BBC Three, wheelbarrow jousting.”
