I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off easily tops my personal choices for the greatest high school movies ever made, but it also qualifies as a winner in so many other categories — such as great movies set in Chicago or the best ‘80s movies regardless of genre. In addition to Matthew Broderick’s endlessly charming performance as the conniving, fourth-wall-breaking title character, rocking soundtrack, and glorious celebration of breaking the rules and taking it easy, what makes writer and director John Hughes’ classic 1986 comedy so rewatchable is its thoroughly hilarious dialogue.
To narrow down the funniest Ferris Bueller quotes down to just 20 and rank them in ascending order may sound like a task too far to some. A: you can never go too far. B: if you had the chance to recall and honor your favorite hilarious lines from one of the most epic teen movies ever, would you refuse right away? Neither would I, which is why I accepted the challenge — resulting in the following list.
20. "I Heard That You Were Feeling Ill. Headache, Fever, And A Chill. I Came To Help Restore Your Pluck, ‘Cause I'm The Nurse Who Likes To..."
Ferris Bueller’s popularity is so expansive that, apparently, someone who fell for his illness scheme bought him a stripogram. Of course, because the intended recipient is in perfect health and having the time of his life in Chicago, the singing nurse (Stephanie Blake), instead, comes face-to-face with his disgruntled sister, Jeannie (Jennifer Grey). She closes the door in her face before she can make this film eligible for an R-rating (since Jeffrey Jones' Ed Rooney already dropped one F-bomb).
19. "Pardon My French, But You're An Asshole!”
Future Succession cast member Alan Ruck steals the show from the Ferris Bueller’s Day Off cast in the scene when Cameron Fry and Ferris fool Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) into believing he is the father of Ferris’ girlfriend, Sloane Peterson (Mia Sara), and retaliates the principal’s offensive remarks about Sloane’s grandmother with this insult. The convincing accent Ruck puts on was actually based on a real person named Gene Saks, who directed him and Broderick in Broadway production of Biloxi Blues.
18. "Ferris Bueller, You're My Hero"
Cameron boasts a few different funny accents in Ferris Bueller, including one he uses to reveal that he was not catatonic after all after Ferris “rescues” him from drowning in a pool. There have been a few instances in which I would throw on the same voice he uses here to thank someone for helping me out of a jam.
17. "It's Understanding That Makes It Possible For People Like Us To Tolerate A Person Like Yourself"
After Ferris — with help from Sloane and Cameron’s “dad voice” — convinces Chez Quis’ “snooty, snotty” maître d’ (Jonathan Schmock) that he is Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago, he apologizes for the inconvenience and expresses appreciation for the trio’s understanding. His polite delivery of this exquisite, back-handed reply is so brilliant, I am amazed it is not more iconic or quoted in social situations more often.
Honorable Mention: "Four thousand restaurants in the downtown area, I pick the one my father goes to" — Ferris, after spotting his dad at Chez Quis.
16. "Speaka De English? Dickhead!"
I think one of Ferris Bueller’s most underrated performances comes from Jennifer Grey (better known for romancing Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing), who is truly hilarious as Jeannie — especially in this scene when she tries to report that Rooney has broken into her house. However, the dispatcher does not seem to take her case very seriously and is more concerned about her brother’s well-being, causing her to angrily hang up while dishing out this insult.
15. "You're Still Here? It's Over! Go Home. Go"
While post-credits scenes are really Marvel’s thing these days, one of the first great examples of a final stinger — and one Deadpool would pay homage to — was Ferris telling the audience that there was nothing more to see here and that they should beat it. To be fair, the hilariously humiliating sight of Rooney taking the school bus home — set to “Oh Yeah,” by Swiss duo, Yello — was what kept everyone in their seats through the credits.
Honorable Mention: "Gummy bear? It's been in my pocket. They're real warm and soft” — Girl on Bus (Polly Noonan) offering a snack to an unreceptive Rooney.
14. "If You Say Ferris Bueller, You Lose A Testicle"
Easily my favorite Jeannie quote comes from her charming scene with Charlie Sheen as “Boy in Police Station” — a small, but certainly memorable, early role that the four-time Emmy nominee would pay homage to on The Goldbergs in 2014. She flashes this threat after the burnout teen suggests she seek advice from an acquaintance of his, which turns out to be exactly who she hoped it would not be: her brother.
13. "Oh, I'm Sorry. I Can't Come To The Door Right Now. I'm Afraid That In My Weakened Condition, I Could Take A Nasty Spill Down The Stairs And Subject Myself To Further School Absences"
When Rooney shows up at Ferris’ house, he is greeted by this recording that has been rigged to play through the front porch intercom any time someone rings the doorbell. While it is certainly worded in a way that could convince someone Ferris is really on the other line — and even has Rooney fooled for a brief moment — I crack up at the overly formal delivery of the line every time.
12. "Never Had One Lesson!"
After Katie Bueller (Cindy Pickett) tries to assure Mr. Rooney that her son is “a very sick boy,” we cut to a shot of Ferris enthusiastically playing what can only be described a nondescript erratic noise on the clarinet. Each time I hear him declare that he has never had formal training with the instrument, I always want to say, “No shit.”
11. "Look, It's Real Simple. Whatever Mileage We Put On, We'll Take Off... We'll Drive Home Backwards"
There are times when you have to wonder why Cameron puts up with Ferris so much, such as this argument for why they would be able to get away with using his father’s 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California — which was recently purchased for more than $300,000, despite not being drivable — to pick up Sloane from school. Suggesting the odometer can be reversed by driving in reverse is a hilarious concept, but, according to Jerry Insurance, it is also impossible.
Honorable Mention: "It is his fault he didn't lock the garage” — Ferris, insisting Mr. Fry’s failure to keep his prized vehicle secure gives him the right to take it.
10. "I'm Not European. I Don't Plan On Being European. So, Who Gives A Crap If They're Socialists? They Could Be Fascist Anarchists, It Still Doesn't Change The Fact That I Don't Own A Car"
It is clear that Ferris is motivated to take the Ferrari to Chicago by how often the movie reminds us that he does not have a vehicle of his own. We first learn this when he explains to the viewer why he believes his test on European Socialism is worth skipping while taking a shower.
9. "I Did Not Achieve This Position In Life By Having Some Snot-Nosed Punk Leave My Cheese Out In The Wind"
What makes Principal Rooney such a memorably funny character is the way he takes himself so seriously, despite all the signs that he is far from the image he attempts to project. One of the funnier examples of this is this line, which I imagine sounded a lot more intimidating in his head than how it came out.
Honorable Mention: "Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine" — Rooney, believing he has spotted Ferris from behind at a pizza place.
8. "He'll Keep Calling Me..."
Anybody who has ever had a friend that keeps getting them into trouble has probably had a conversation with themselves similar to Cameron’s little soliloquy before finally deciding to join Ferris on his latest scheme. The icing on the cake, however, is the erratic outburst he suffers when his car ends up not starting after all. Watch the clip below to hear the full quote:
7. “How Can I Possibly Be Expected To Handle School On A Day Like This?”
Everyone has been forced go to school (or work) on a day that could have been perfect for spending time doing anything else. That is exactly what makes Ferris’ ambition to go ahead and take advantage of the bright, fair weather so appealing and this iconic line so hauntingly poetic.
Honorable Mention: "Hey, Cameron. You realize if we played by the rules, right now we'd be in gym?" — Ferris to Cameron while enjoying a baseball game at Wrigley Field.
6. "So THAT's How It Is In Their Family"
When Ferris arrives to pick up Sloane from school while disguised as her father, he and his girlfriend embrace with a passionate, extensive kiss… seeming to forget that Rooney is still outside, standing not very far away. It is already funny enough that someone so obsessively concerned over Bueller’s behavior would not be able to recognize him even in that moment, but for it to also lead him toward this off-putting assumption makes it an essential moment of ‘80s cinematic comedy.
Honorable Mention: "Do you have a kiss for daddy?" — Ferris to Sloane while disguised as her father.
5. “This Guy In My Biology Class Said That If Ferris Dies, He's Giving His Eyes To Stevie Wonder"
As one of the most extraordinary talents in music history — and one of the best non-actors to nail their SNL hosting gig, too — Stevie Wonder is nothing short of a national treasure. Therefore, what I find particularly hilarious about this line — spoken by actor Nancy Kusley to Grey as Jeannie — is its indication that Ferris’ classmates have a ferociously exaggerated perspective of his faux illness.
4. "My Best Friend's Sister's Boyfriend's Brother's Girlfriend Heard From This Guy Who Knows This Kid Who's Going With The Girl Who Saw Ferris Pass Out At 31 Flavors Last Night"
To understand just how the discussion of Ferris’ well-being gets so out of hand, we can probably trace it back to this moment that, in so little time, very potently demonstrates how easily rumors are spread in high school. Of course, major props must be given to Kristy Swanson — who went on to lead 1992’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie cast — as Simone Adamley for her beautiful delivery of this tongue-twister in response to a quote we will get to soon.
3. "Pardon My French, But Cameron Is So Tight That If You Stuck A Lump Of Coal Up His Ass, In Two Weeks, You'd Have A Diamond"
I am not sure whether or not this film originated this phrase, but I have heard Ferris’ metaphorical analysis of his best friend’s neuroses commonly used describe people of a similar kind. Then again, anyone might seem uptight enough to produce priceless jewelry in such a way when compared to someone like Ferris Bueller.
Honorable Mention: "The place is like a museum. It's very beautiful and very cold, and you're not allowed to touch anything" — Ferris, describing Cameron’s house.
2. "They Think He's A Righteous Dude"
You want to know what makes this instant classic capper to a summary of Ferris Bueller’s unparalleled popularity even more astonishing? Actor Edie McClurg — who plays Rooney’s air-headed assistant, Grace — revealed on a DVD featurette that she improvised the line when she auditioned for the role and even came up with her faux Chicago accent on the spot, too.
1. "Bueller? Bueller?..."
Out of all the memorable side characters from John Hughes movies, none have made quite as much of an impact on pop culture as Ben Stein’s breakout role as the Economics Teacher from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. All it took to reach his level of iconography (in addition to a hilariously dull monologue that the actor also improvised on the spot) was repeating the name of the title character a seemingly endless amount of times while calling roll, despite his absence being immediately clear — resulting in one of the most surprisingly, yet remarkably funny, moments in cinematic history.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and rewatch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off every once in a while — which you can with a Paramount+ subscription — you could miss out on reliving the many hilarious quotes above.
