A suicide survivor has set up an Instagram account dedicated to raising awareness about men’s mental health.
Marcus Alejandro Keam, originally from Bootle, is taking “every day step-by-step”, as he documents the process of learning how to walk again after losing both his legs on social media. The 21-year-old wants to be able to share his story “without having to lie (about) everything being perfect”, and to teach others about things about amputees that he didn’t know about.
The former Hillside High School student told the ECHO : “It’s a way of helping me cope with the fact that I’ve lost both my legs. I want it to be a learning curve, not just for me, but for everyone. You know people who have lost their lives to suicide, but then not everyone knows someone who has been a victim of attempted suicide. When I did the actions that I did, I didn’t expect to be alive, so waking up and realising I’ve got no legs, I was able to use that to my advantage as none of my friends knew.”
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Earlier this year in February, Marcus was invited on a night out by one of his friends who was going through a breakup. Attending the plans with the intention of being a shoulder to cry on, little did Marcus realise it was him who needed a friend to confide in.
The ASDA employee said: “I suffered massively from depression and it felt like I didn’t have any support. I did have mates but I didn’t want to go to work or university and those were the two things that I really enjoyed doing. It came to the point where I didn't want to do anything and I needed to understand what was going on with me.
"The night it happened, I had three drinks within six hours and I left the pub sober. That was the first time in a long time I left the pub sober enough to still know everything that was going on. The next day I had work, I planned to go and I had future plans made, I had a tattoo booked for a few days later, but I messaged my now-ex and said ‘adore you, I’m going to kill myself’.”
The next thing the former Hugh Baird College student remembers is waking up in Aintree hospital beside a nurse. He quickly learnt that he had broken his legs so severely that both of them needed to be operated on in an emergency amputation. The rest of his time in the hospital remains a blur due to the amount of medication he was on to help cope with the pain.
Looking back in hindsight, Marcus joked that he was thankful the staff managed to save most of his right leg, which now has a skin graft on it, as it had all of his tattoos on it, which cost him “a lot of money” and would have left him “gutted”. He added: “I was in absolute agony. I couldn't do anything myself and I'm really independent. If anyone attempts to help me, I tell them I’m fine by myself. But, I had to get everything done for me.”
Initially, it was expected that Marcus wouldn’t be able to walk properly “for months”, but thanks to an hours worth of physio every day during the week and his determination to prove everyone wrong, Marcus is hoping to get back to the gym sooner rather than later.
Marcus’ mental health began declining when he was 14 years old, around the same time when he was trying to figure out his sexuality. Having to navigate coming out twice, first as a gay woman, and secondly, as a trans man, took a toll on the then-teenager. Despite being accepted and supported both times by his immediate family, Marcus explained how the damage had already been done and from there, his mental health fluctuated “like a rollercoaster”.
He said: “It's obviously hard for anyone to kind of come to terms with their sexuality and gender, but at a young age and not being fully accepted by your mates who are in high school you think it's the end of the world. It got that kind of severe where self-harm and suicidal thoughts were involved.
"As a kid, I don’t think people took me seriously. It’s more acceptable to come out as gay rather than trans, a lot of people see it as a phrase and even when it came to my name (being misgendered) it was as if I was coming out all over again and that's something I didn’t want to have to keep going through.”
After coming out as trans, Marcus was “able to understand” how he was feeling but one aspect of life that changed while transitioning that massively impacted his outlook was his love of football. Marcus still feels the same way towards the sport today as the feeling of not knowing which changing room to use to put on his kit faded into a feeling of not being able to play as an amputee.
He said: “I constantly think about things that I can't do now, football being one of them because amputee football, most of them only have one leg amputated, rather than two. So, it's difficult to play football, but I’m glad there are plenty of other options that I can do. I’m enjoying life now but I want to get back to any form of sport as soon as I can.”
Throughout his journey, Marcus did get advice from various LGBTQ+ youth groups, but “not knowing what was normal” and a lack of others he could relate to, meant the help “wasn’t the solution to everything”.
Now, with lived experienced, Marcus, who is aiming to take up a career focused on LGBTQ+ mental health, wants to ensure others in the trans community know they can reach out to him if they ever want to talk. You can follow Marcus' journey on Instagram @marcussleglessjourney.
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