I recently moved in with my boyfriend of just over a year. We were both clear from the outset we really value our personal space, and needed a bedroom each.
Since we moved in together, it’s become clear that we have very different feelings about spending the night together. My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend more than two nights a week together. For me, the optimum number of nights apart is two or three a week, max.
He argues that this was our pattern before we moved in together, so nothing has really changed, but for me things feel totally different now. I obviously have no wish to sleep together if he doesn’t enjoy it, but I am surprised about how difficult I’m finding it in practice. Saying goodnight and going to separate rooms is really painful, and I have now started to dread sleeping together. I recently requested that we take it down to one night a week, as I am emotionally affected by the contrast, and feel it takes me a few nights to “recover”. I feel sad and anxious most evenings, and have trouble sleeping, both together and alone. I have tried to recreate bedtime rituals from when we lived separately, but most of the time I feel I’m pushing my feelings away.
We have talked about this a lot, and are sensitive to each other’s feelings, but for both of us this situation has brought up things from the past, making it difficult to find a solution. He has talked about how a lack of space led to anxiety and resentment, both in family situations and previous relationships. For me, this situation brings up memories of the breakdown of previous relationships, which I’m finding hard to shake. It has also reduced my connection to him, and I find myself less relaxed when we are physically affectionate or intimate.
We are generally very happy in the relationship, and have discussed long-term hopes, but I am not sure how the present situation can be sustained or resolved.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you say it’s brought up things from the past. Something about this has really triggered something for both of you. The key is to unlock what the roots to these feelings are.
Psychotherapist Arabella Russell wondered if it might help to see that “far from rejecting you, it seems that your boyfriend is doing all he can to protect the relationship”.
Russell also felt that neither of you was “looking in the right place, because talking about how many nights you’re going to spend together isn’t what this is about, and it’s only going to end up in disappointment and sadness [until you get to the bottom of what it’s about]. You’ve found a solution without really working out what the problem is.”
This is because the nights together/apart are a symptom of something and, as Russell explained, you both have different protective mechanisms: “It seems your boyfriend has had experience of getting too close, and the way for him to protect [himself] is to withdraw. But for you, the idea of protecting a relationship seems to be about needing to get closer.”
It’s one thing to have discussed arrangements before you moved in but the actuality of it – and the feelings it stirs up – can be very different, as you’re witnessing. “Maybe you saw it as having ‘breakout rooms’ but for him his room is his permanent place and he comes to ‘visit’,” suggests Russell.
So how do you bridge this gap?
Russell advises shifting your focus from the number of nights you spend together to the question of how to live together. This “healthy coming together and separating again” is actually the basis of intimacy; you may find my podcast on intimacy a helpful listen. Intimacy is the very crux of productive relationships. If you don’t untangle what’s really going on, the snag may manifest in other aspects of your relationship. It’s also important “that one of you doesn’t do all the adapting”, says Russell.
A few sessions with a couples counsellor could really pay dividends and enable you to learn more about yourselves. This is beneficial for you not only in this relationship, but in any others you may have.
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