For over 15 years I have been polite but distant with my brother-in-law. I have experienced a lot of inner turmoil about his unsustainable farming practices and treatment of animals, including hunting and shooting for sport and pleasure.
As the only vegan/vegetarian in the family, I have kept this disapproval to myself, though everyone knows I am an active environmentalist and supporter of animal rights. I recently learned he is teaching his young son these traditions, apparently against the boy’s will. Knowing how sweet and compassionate the boy is, this is becoming even more difficult for me.
Soon we will have what will be our last big family holiday together with my aged parents, which everyone is looking forward to. But I’m afraid I can no longer remain passive and silent.
If I go on the holiday with them all, I know I will not be able to deflect the cognitive dissonance. My unease, which has been bubbling beneath the surface for too long, will potentially sour the trip and upset my parents. But if I decide not to go I worry that I will live to regret not being there.
If I raise a measured discussion I know I’ll be mocked or diminished by stubborn voices and become too upset to stand my ground. Am I being selfish and weak if I make an excuse and miss out on this last big family holiday? Or do I risk upsetting the applecart and putting my mental health through the wringer by confronting a toxic, unethical mindset?
If it’s a considered choice, staying silent is not necessarily the passive option – in certain situations it can be the most proactive thing to do. I’m not advocating you remain silent, but it’s important to be realistic about what you want to achieve and, if that’s possible
, work backwards to see if you can achieve it.
If you want to guarantee you won’t be upset by your brother-in-law, the only real way to achieve that is to not go. But might you get angry he stopped you attending this momentous gathering? Is that not giving him a tremendous amount of power?
Perhaps the best result would be to go and find a way to lessen the impact on you, so it’s about how to achieve that. Could you minimise contact with him by not travelling or staying with him? Could you bring someone with you – maybe from outside the family, as an ally? I also wanted to know more about the boy’s mother – could she be an ally?
If the topic does come up, instead of defending your position you could become curious about his; it may make him think about what he’s saying. That said, I’ve met people like your brother-in-law and even this can be impossible: saying nothing feels complicit, but saying anything results in blind fury.
What would happen if you did lose your temper with him instead of trying to always keep a lid on it? Maybe not on holiday, but another time. Would that be so terrible?
I understand you are worried about his son, but going up against the boy’s dad puts him in a tough position. I get the feeling you think that if you could just be heard you could change your brother-in-law’s mind. It’s doubtful, and also it’s not your responsibility. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but at some point you’re going to have to decide whether you keep having this conversation or just ignore him.
You might find the podcast I did with conflict resolution expert Gabrielle Rifkind helpful. : https://pod.link/1567190358/episode/a2b62f1b412cee3ff3c79ae45ca065dFor me, there are family members I’ve decided not to see any more as our differences are too great, unless it’s a big gathering where they can be diluted.
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