Saturday Night Live opens onboard the newly returned USS Lincoln. Even after a record 322 days at sea, the soldiers’ suffering isn’t over, as they’re made a captive audience to “the man who put you on the boat in the first place”, secretary of war Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost). Wearing an ammunition belt made of Fireball cinnamon whiskey, he welcomes the crew back to San Diego, “which the president just asked Iran to blow up”. He briefs them on the recent goings-on on dry land (“in case you want to go back to sea”), including a promised live-streamed execution in December and the new logo for the department of war featuring “an American eagle with a Nazi vibe”.
Hegseth turns things over to secretary of health and human services (and his “sad pull-up” partner) RFK Jr (James Austin Johnson), who uses the occasion to officially rename cold and flu season “cold and flu and listeria and measles and trench brain season”. He thanks the crew for being unwitting test subjects for the thousands of pounds of meat recalled over the past months, before leaving them with an unintelligible send-off – at least until Hegseth gives him a pat on the back that magically clears up his voice.
