They say that laughter is the best medicine. But in my opinion, the most powerful medicine is laughing at other people as they make complete fools of themselves (while being extremely concerned for their welfare and empathetic to their plight, naturally). That is why I love the internet. In the past, if you saw someone, say, fall down a flight of steps, you’d have to try to memorise it so you could enjoy it later. And if you couldn’t do that, you’d have to pay top dollar to watch a mime pretend to walk into a window. Nowadays, people’s mishaps are preserved digitally for all time, so we can watch them again and again. Here are the videos that never fail to fill my life with joy.
1. Grandma and grandpa falling down the steps
We open with a classic. We all know what’s going to happen long before it happens and that only adds to the enjoyment. It’s astonishing to think that once upon a time this couple would have been young and dynamic: learning to ride a horse side-saddle or encouraging each other to try physically challenging sexual positions. Now, they’re not even capable of walking through a room with one small and eminently visible step. Apart from the obvious hilarity of grandma collapsing to the ground with all her bags, other highlights are the fact that grandad learns nothing from seeing her mistake and stumbles himself, and then proceeds to discuss at length the reasons for his accident, while showing no concern for his life partner’s welfare. (Neither of them were hurt.) And to think that they both used to do the Kama Sutra!
2. A guy breaking a rare object
If ever I’m feeling a bit down, this video never fails to raise the spirits. How they got the camera to focus on this guy’s shaking hands, I’ll never know. The video is absolutely priceless, the relic no longer is.
3. This wedding video
A classic. I love how quickly things go from bad to worse, and how the videographers continue to film the bride’s humiliation. I mean, I know they’re professionals, and they have been hired to film the wedding in its entirety. But surely they’re aware that the bride won’t want footage of this? Surely?
4. A failed dove release
A stunning lack of manual dexterity and finesse. Held the dove like it was a hand grenade, threw it like a baseball. Tragic.
5. Everyone falls into a pool
Americans are so wholesome. After a potentially devastating accident in which two people fall into a shallow pool from a great height, there’s not a single laugh! Their sincere, mawkish concern is positively cloying. The stumble and trip from the best man is an easily overlooked highlight of this video. As for why the couple decided to hold their wedding in such a perilous location, who cares? I’m just glad they did.
6. Two grandmas fall off scooters
It’s two for the price of one! Watch these confident ladies board their scooters and roll down a hill – initially, so gracefully. Quantum physicists have proven that everything in the universe is connected – that when one atom reorganises itself, every atom in the universe also reorganises. This counterintuitive phenomenon is sometimes called “spooky action at a distance” and even the visionary genius Albert Einstein refused to believe in it. We can see it demonstrated before our very eyes in this video, because when one woman goes down, the other goes as well. There appears to be no causal connection between the two events – quantum mechanics is the only possible explanation. If Isaac Newton had seen this video instead of an apple falling from a tree, quantum computers would have been invented 300 years earlier. Also, I enjoy watching people fall off scooters.
7. ‘I’m not a cat’
Imagine being on trial. You and your family have managed to club together just enough money to hire a lawyer. Your mother has had to remortgage her house and Uncle Brian has had to come out of retirement to drive an Uber, but it’s all worth it; this is your chance at freedom. It all rides on this moment. And then your lawyer says the words: “I’m happy to continue, ugh, I’m not a cat.” Utter devastation. Brilliant.
8. Grandma falls into pool
Grandma walks into a swimming pool. Yes, that’s what happens – she just walks right in. Other people at the event seem unconcerned. No one seems to know her. Was she even invited? I am also aware there is a trend developing, we are on to the third grandma and/or grandad video, but this one is completely different. The certainty with which she confidently walks out, and the lack of any physical reaction to her abrupt descent – priceless.
9. Drunk man falls off a table
The combination of a drunk man not understanding that if you stand on the edge of a table and then place your centre of gravity over the edge of said table, the table will fall and so will you; the ripping of a light fixture from the ceiling by the aforesaid drunk man who doesn’t understand that a thin, loose wire is not a grab rail; the collateral damage to the person in the corner; and the sad exposure of the drunkard’s bottom: all of this conspires to create perfection. I love the voice of the woman at the end asking if he’s all right, as it is proof that there really is someone for everyone – even this man.
10. Journalist falls into the ocean
A confident reporter knows how to work the camera. This one effortlessly combines insightful commentary with a relaxed, familiar approach, before casually leaning against the side of the boat. Finally, she only needs to clasp on to a nearby flimsy rope to complete the impression of a journalist in her element – oh frig! Goodbye!
Paul Foot is performing his show Swan Power on 29-30 April at the Comedy Store, Sydney, then 5 May at Planet Royale, Perth
