A mother’s bond with her children is unbreakable, but sometimes that bond can lead to friction when there’s a romantic partner in the mix. Some moms even think they can overrun all boundaries just because they’re family, which can make things awkward.
One new parent is disturbed by the way her partner always runs after his mother, who clearly has him under her thumb. Finding it odd that he now wants to take his mom on a holiday, just the two of them, she turned to the web to ask if she was being unreasonable.
More info: Mumsnet
Some moms have no idea what a boundary is, as this woman is finding out the hard way
Her partner’s mother was never close to her, but now that she’s had a baby, she’s extremely overbearing
The new mom has tried to put some reasonable boundaries in place, but her partner keeps letting his mom overrun them
To make matters worse, her penny-pinching partner is now splurging on a holiday for just him and his mom, leaving her alone with their 3-month-old child
Image credits: HannahXlouise
Stunned, the woman turned to the web to ask whether or not she was being unreasonable in finding the whole thing odd
OP begins her post by asking the community whether she’s being unreasonable to think it strange that her partner is going away on a holiday with just his mom. She then provides a little background, telling the readers that she and her partner have an unplanned 3-month-old baby, the news of which wasn’t well-received by her partner or his family.
She then adds that things have since made a 180, with her partner’s family becoming extremely overbearing. Things have gone from them seeing her infrequently before she got pregnant, to demanding to see her and the baby a few times a week.
OP complains that she doesn’t feel like she’s in a relationship with just her partner, but with his mum too, and that her partner’s always running after his mom whenever she’s upset, leaving her to deal with the baby alone for hours at a time.
Things got truly out of hand for OP when she asked her partner what they should get his mother for her birthday, and he let her know he was taking her on holiday—just the two of them. This surprised OP since she admits her partner is usually tight with cash and has never offered to take her on a free holiday.
She concludes by saying that she thinks he feels guilty about the boundaries she’d set with his mom and that she’s always to blame for any fallouts—most of which have been the result of his mom’s nasty comments.
From what OP tells us in her post, it would seem that she’s in a relationship with a mama’s boy, a colloquial term that’s come to describe men who are still figuratively tied to their mother’s apron strings, prioritizing her needs over their romantic partner’s.
But what are the warning signs that your man might be one?
In his article for Psychology Today, Seth Meyers (Psy.D.) lists some red flags that may indicate the man you’re dating or married to is a mama’s boy. A few of these include not being able to say anything even remotely negative about his mother, the assumption that his mother can do no wrong, and his not being able to say “no” to his mother.
In her article for VeryWellMind, Marni Feuerman writes that, if you’re having relationship problems caused by your partner’s unhealthy boundaries with his mother, there are several things you can do to improve the situation.
First, establish clear boundaries; second, maintain independent space; third, avoid confrontation as much as possible; and, finally, keep making your own choices and support your partner in doing the same. His problematic bond with his mother might ease up with your encouragement and support.
It sure seems OP isn’t short on Mama’s boy red flags, and we wonder if she’ll ever loosen her partner’s mother’s grasp.
Image credits: NEOSiAM 2024+ / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda reached out to psychotherapist and director of The School Of Modern Psychology Barbara Grace to get her expert take on the matter.
When we asked Grace whether or not she thought OP’s partner has an unhealthy relationship with his mother, she had this to say, “A relationship is unhealthy if overt (or covert) power/control creates a bond of co-dependency that keeps one (or both) person/s trapped in a manipulative cycle involving guilt/blame/judgement that represses a person’s ability to self-define or act independently,”
Grace went on, “In this scenario, essentially there are two 3-month-old babies in the story: the first (and actual 3-month-old baby) is dependent on its mother. This is normal and natural. The second (the male partner) is dependent on his mother. This is not representative of mature, emotionally aware adult behavior.”
Grace says there are two core issues: firstly, OP’s partner doesn’t know he’s ‘in play’ – in other words a pawn being manipulated by his mother’s insecurity as she vies for the role of ‘most important person’ in her son’s life.
Secondly, OP is caught in a no-win situation: either accept second place to the mother; or leave the relationship as the partner cannot see the game being played by his mother, casting her as ‘second fiddle’ in the relationship.
We asked Grace for one piece of advice she’d offer OP, and she responded, “Seek professional help, because only a third person (who is a professional – not a friend with an opinion) will have the opportunity to hold up a mirror to his actions that will offer him insight to the manipulative power dynamics at play.”
Grace concluded, “If he’s unwilling to seek professional help, then she knows exactly where she stands.”
What would you do if you found yourself in her shoes? Do you think she’s being unreasonable? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, the majority of readers said the woman was not being unreasonable, with one advising her to lose her partner since she’s basically a single parent as it is
