HOW are you celebrating the Queen's Jubilee? A lonely lunch with a Glasgow Tory? A cow-tipping event with Douglas Ross perhaps?
Well, that’s apparently what Scots can expect to find after the royals were trolled with outrageous fake Jubilee plans.
Browsing through some 40-odd celebrations on Next Door's Jubilee Events Map website in Scotland, royalists can expect spectacular parties across the nation.
If you find yourself in Edinburgh on June 6, why not attend "Your Reptilian Highness' Platinum Jubilee Event"? Guests can look forward to a "toast to your interdimensional overlords" while enjoying the city's views.
Also on in the capital are the "Nae Sweat Your Majesty" and the "Platinum Jubilee Teenage Beauty Pageant" judged by Prince Andrew.
For those in Glasgow, why not try "Thomas Kerr's Lonely Jubilee Lunch". Attendees can expect coronation chicken on arrival at "the only place in Glasgow celebrating" the Jubilee.
Glasgow City Council may not have put out all the stops for Queen Elizabeth, but the Glasgow Tories will have you covered!
If you're more of a Labour voter though, "Anas Sarwar's Big Jubilee Bin Photo tour" is the event for you!
The city jaunt boasts a spectacular showcase of the Scottish Labour leader's "favourite bins" with a royal touch of monarchy-themed decorations to honour Her Majesty.
Celebrating unearned wealth and power isn't just for the central belt though.
Banchory in Aberdeenshire is holding "Andrew Bowie's Window Jubilee Tour". While tickets are pricey at an eye-watering £1500 each, those with two homes could use the extra £400 from the Chancellor to subsidise their purchase.
And, partygoers get the added bonus that proceeds will "go toward Boris Johnson's next party in Downing Street".
Further up north, Elgin is hosting a "Douglas Ross's Cow Tipping Jubilee Jamboree" which sounds just delightful. Meanwhile, Aberdeen is to put on the "You Just Can't Colin" event, harking back to the Scottish Tory leader's powerful leaders' debate performance.
Not sure about you, but The Jouker is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do for the Queen's Jubilee.
Maybe like many Scots though (a recent survey found 45% don't support the royals), you are not a big fan of hereditary privilege and will sit this one out. The Jouker might join you.
