‘I’ve come to think of it as a beloved heirloom’
I bought a small statue of “Thomas the Shrek” from Cursed 3D Print Store – it’s a Thomas the Tank Engine/Shrek hybrid. I love it. The first time I saw it, I laughed until I cried. The second time I saw it, I laughed until I cried again. Now, some time later, I’ve come to think of it as a beloved heirloom. Sadly, Thomas the Shrek frightened one houseguest so much that they turned it around so that its eyes stopped following them around the room. Emily, researcher, Leamington Spa
‘The batteries lasted 15 minutes and it cleaned nothing’
I bought a battery-powered robotic vacuum cleaner from a social media advert. I assumed it was of a similar size to other vacuum cleaners, around 30cm across. I laughed when I opened the box to find that it was less than 15cm, with a working opening of about 4cm – no brushes, no sensors for obstacles; it ran on AA batteries which lasted about 15 minutes and it cleaned nothing – crumbs were too heavy for it. The bin storage was tiny so it was a good thing it didn’t work as it would have been full in seconds. We recycled it, and vowed to never buy anything from a social media advert again. Anonymous, France
‘The head detached from the body, which my cat then ate’
I bought a taxidermy bat late one night, while somewhat under the influence. I completely forgot about my purchase until it arrived. I called her Lady Báthory and hung her in my kitchen. Her head slowly detached from her body which my cat then ate. I’d give it 10 out of 10 for entertainment value and would buy it again. Rosheen FitzGerald, writer artist and poet, Hawkes Bay, New Zealand
‘My loo ended up looking like a crime scene’
I bought a menstrual cup with a manually operated valve in the stem, so you don’t have to remove it to empty it, after seeing advertised it on Facebook. It worked OK with the water illustrated in the video, but menstrual blood is actually quite a bit thicker than water, and thus too dense to travel down the little stem. When I got around to trying it I fumbled a lot and accidentally pulled the whole thing out sideways. My hands and loo ended up looking like a cross between a Jackson Pollock artwork and a crime scene. I’d still recommend a cup to people who have periods (they’re environmentally friendly and inexpensive), but maybe stick to a more conventional design! Miri Bailey, Portsmouth
‘I have no interest in football and no need for socks, but I felt a compelling urge to buy them’
Late one evening, while idly browsing Instagram, I had a compelling urge to buy an unworn pair of the Jamaican national squad’s away strip football socks from a sportswear enthusiast. It was odd because although I love Jamaican culture, its wonderful food, music and art, I have absolutely no interest in football, as a spectator or as a player. I’d go as far as to say I don’t like football at all. Even stranger is that, following a road traffic accident in 2017, it had been necessary to have both my legs amputated below the knee. My wife cleverly suggested I remove the feet of the socks and so now I’ve a splendid pair of striped arm warmers. Peter Silvikrin, retired, Hampshire
‘Having a T rex bite my noodles is too funny’
I didn’t buy directly through an ad on Instagram, but because of an Instagram “influencer”. They had posted about dinosaur-head chopsticks, meant to train kids to use them. I know how to use chopsticks but having the T rex bite my noodles instead of using the chopsticks is too funny. Anonymous, Wales
‘I fell about laughing as I remembered ordering the butt-toning device ...’
A couple of years ago, a parcel arrived addressed to me, but I had no recollection of buying anything. Finally I opened the parcel and fell about laughing as it dawned on me … I had done some late-night-drunk-social-media-shopping more than three months previously, during which I had decided that Facebook was right: what I needed in my life was a butt-toning device from China. And here it was. It made a great Secret Santa present that year ... but I don’t use social media any more. Jen, conservation worker, Scotland
‘For reasons unknown, they sent me two T-shirts’
When the actor Bill Paxton died, I bought a commemorative T-shirt with a picture of William Hudson from Aliens grimacing, and his birth and death date beneath, with the words “Game Over Man, Game Over”. The quality was very poor and, for reasons unknown, they sent me two. And yes, it was bought after a night at the pub. Guy Barton, Brighton
