Five years ago, my best friend became the father of a baby boy with his then partner of over 10 years. When the baby was born, his then partner registered the birth and, without telling my friend, omitted his name from the birth certificate. The relationship broke down and he left the home they jointly owned.
They remained close, although there were some indications that the relationship was dysfunctional: he hinted at financially supporting her as well as the baby (despite her having a full-time job) in exchange for contact with his son, and limited contact with the rest of his family.
When the boy was ready to start school, my friend shared his despair at his ex having made the decision on which school he’d attend without taking his opinion into consideration.
I can see how emotionally and physically broken my friend is. I’ve tried touching on the topic, but he immediately becomes defensive, so instead I focused on offering a comforting environment for him. It also became clear to me that he was desperately trying to highlight any positive behaviour from his ex, for example, mentioning the times she would answer his phone calls and put his son on video for him. Whenever other family members have asked to see his son, his ex insists on being present and becomes very controlling. There have been several conflicts between the families and my friend always ends up siding with his ex, which means he sometimes doesn’t talk to his own family for weeks. The ex also forbids my friend to go anywhere alone with his son.
My friend has always mentioned his fear of losing contact with his son as a way of ending any attempt at conversation about the topic. He is a good father and loves his son more than anything. He doesn’t deserve this level of manipulation and continuous uncertainty. I want to help but I don’t know where to start.
As you’ve seen, if a couple is unmarried, the mother can register the birth without putting the father’s name on the birth certificate. If not named on the birth certificate, the father has no legal parental responsibility. And without this, your friend has no say over where his son goes to school, his medical treatment, what religion he is raised in, or if he goes to live outside the country. Your friend can retrospectively apply for parental responsibility however, and more on this later.
But this is a tricky one because you cannot make your friend do anything. You’re doing all the right things in being there for him and offering a comforting environment. But your friend’s appeasement of his ex, despite the level of abuse and manipulation, is testament to just how frightened he is of losing contact rights with his son. (Presumably his ex still lives in the house he jointly owns? So she shouldn’t be able to sell it without his say so, but he should see a lawyer about that.) I don’t think his fear should be underestimated. You need to tread very carefully for risk of alienating him.
Denise Lester, a Resolution Specialist Accredited solicitor and family law specialist, suggested some legal solutions which apply in England and Wales. Your friend can apply to the court for (shared) parental responsibility. This costs £232, the application is made by submitting a form C1, and your friend may be able to get help with court fees. More information here.
Lester said the court would take into account a number of factors, “including the degree of commitment the applicant has shown towards the child, the degree of attachment which exists between them, and the reasons for applying”. Your friend can also apply to have his name added to the birth certificate, and the birth certificate re-registered, but this would have to done after the order for parental responsibility is made. More information here.at Your friend can also apply for a child arrangement order (CAO) to “regularise contact”. Resolution is a good place to start for a list of family mediators to help him with some or all of this.
Your friend may decide to do none of these and continue as he is, but I would urge him to keep a diary of what’s happening – not least because one day his son may need to know he tried, but it could also be useful in court.
Gingerbread is also a great source of information and support for single parents. And mankind is a good resource for men suffering abuse.
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