Dear Coleen
I have a 12-year-old daughter and I’m really struggling to cope with her mood swings.
In nine months she’s gone from being a sweet little girl who loved cuddles and doing things with me, to a mean, shouty, sweary, selfish person.
It feels like it’s happened overnight and I literally have no idea how to cope with it.
I didn’t expect this teenage behaviour until much later or at least until she was an actual teenager! She’s very grown up for her age physically compared to most of her friends, but emotionally she’s immature.
She blames my husband and me for everything, from her iPad running out of battery to the fact she’s not done her homework. It’s all our fault!
She never takes responsibility for anything and when she doesn’t get her way, she has huge meltdowns and doesn’t seem to care who sees them.
Is this normal and what can I do about it? I’m hoping you’re going to tell me it’s a phase that she’ll grow out of, but I hope it’s a short-lived one.
I just feel like she hates us most of the time, which is really upsetting. Please help.
Coleen says
It’s absolutely normal. Trust me, you’re not on your own with this – in fact, I have a friend who’s going through the same thing right now.
I think this phase of parenting is the hardest. It’s hard for her as she’s maturing physically and her hormones are raging, but she’s not mentally mature yet.
These days, girls are exposed to sophisticated content on social media which they’re not equipped to deal with and this fuels the fire. You have to be strong, and try not to shout (the shutters will come down over her ears, so it’s pointless).
I think it would help to show empathy. Say you know it’s annoying when the iPad runs out of battery, but if she carries on disrespecting you, there won’t be an iPad to charge. And if you say something like this, you have to mean it.
She’ll start to understand there are real consequences.
And she has to learn that in life there are consequences for bad behaviour.
Of course, it’s easy to “parent” someone else’s child, but when you’re in the thick of it 24/7 it’s hard. But remember, it wouldn’t be normal if your 12-year-old didn’t hate you at some point – she takes everything out on you because she knows your love is unconditional.
I struggled with putting in boundaries when my boys were this age, but, eventually, it did work. It’s hard not to blow up, but you have to ride it out.
