I’m struggling to make any plans with people other than my boyfriend.
Whenever I organise to meet my friends or family, however much notice I give my partner and as many times as I invite him for his input on our activities, which he is always welcome and included in, he becomes angry and aggressive. He needs to feel involved and in control.
If I invite a conversation about what seems rational, he obfuscates and becomes cross. I’m very confused by this. Recently, I was trying to help my mum plan an outing and asked his opinion about timings, and attempted numerous times to sketch out a rough structure for the day, but each attempt was dismissed. We had several attempts at me trying to triangulate between two parties and I always came away confused. I try to be open and accommodate all ideas.
My boyfriend frequently initiates an argument about not being or feeling in control. I fail every time to reassure him that by asking for his input I’m inviting him to take some control. I’m left with constant jitters about what action to take.
If I ask what he would like, he dismisses and belittles me, and accuses me of not recognising how important it is for him to have agency.
I’m a manager by profession. I’ve managed teams globally and delivered complex and high-profile projects, but at home I’m beginning to lose my instinct for how to operate in even the simplest scenarios, and find myself freezing.
My first thought was that your boyfriend is really controlling. The line that jumped out at me was how you are beginning to lose your instinct for how to operate. Whatever the reason for your boyfriend’s behaviour, this is something to take note of. No matter the motivation or reasons, no one should start to change who you are.
My specialist this week, British Psychoanalytic Council-registered psychoanalyst Avi Shmueli, had a possibly different take on it. “The presenting situation is that your partner says he wants authority but, when given it, he doesn’t actually want or use it,” he says.
Shmueli hypothesised that it might be because what you and your boyfriend are creating together is an “atmosphere of helplessness”. You don’t feel you can plan, your boyfriend doesn’t want you to plan without him, yet he also wants you to be more assertive. This to me seems like a lose-lose situation. My worry for you is that he doesn’t want you to organise things without him as a way of grinding you down, so you become helpless and no longer organise things without him.
I asked Shmueli if this wasn’t a case of coercive control and of course we don’t know (there are some elements there) but Shmueli said that “if it was then your boyfriend would take the control or offer an idealised solution but then let you ‘fail’. It seems that the issue of dependency is very alive and unresolved between you rather than control. It is crucial to work out if this is a theme in your relationship – something unresolved between you, something that one of you really struggles with – or if your boyfriend is genuinely and fundamentally undermining [you] for whatever reason.”
You didn’t say if you live together or how long you have been together. Sometimes couples do a dance where one complains about something but doesn’t actually want to do anything about it; it’s because they are unwilling or unable to take responsibility for themselves and when you won’t or can’t do that, things are always someone’s else’s fault. Whatever the reason, being in that dynamic is exhausting, corrosive and unsettling. And it doesn’t sound like very loving behaviour.
Sometimes when we are worried about something, we feel we need evidence – or someone else – to validate how we feel. I would try to carefully extricate myself from this relationship. I wasn’t sure of your gender or where you live, so can’t signpost you to exact resources, but the National Centre for Domestic Violence is a good place to start. Please take care.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
