I’m having a problem with my closest friend, who is refusing to speak to me.
We disagree on how acceptable it is to talk about sex: I think it’s something we should be able to talk about freely, but she doesn’t. After she recently told a mutual friend that she was “oversharing” when sex was mentioned, I requested some clarity on her boundaries. She responded with anger, saying that my requests for clarity were exhausting, that it should be clear from past conversations.
Since this angry response, I’ve heard nothing from her for some weeks, despite messaging her.
My friend has been going through some incredibly difficult personal circumstances recently, and has mental health problems. She seems to find disagreements like this very hard. I wonder if there’s an element of taking out her anger at other problems on me. It’s increasingly typical for her to go silent when disagreeing with friends, but it’s never happened with me before. Previously she’s said she feels able to talk to me about anything.
I feel upset and frustrated. We can’t resolve this while she’s refusing to speak to me. I don’t like the way she’s behaving towards me: she responds to my attempt at support with anger, then goes silent as if trying to punish me. In one of my messages, I told her to take as long as she needs, but I wish I hadn’t said that, as it feels as if I’ve agreed to something that I’m actually not OK with.
It seems like I’ve, inadvertently, seriously upset her. But, really, while she won’t talk to me, I can only guess at what on earth’s going on for her.
I don’t know whether to keep messaging or to leave it until she decides to get back in touch.
In a way, what the argument was about is immaterial, it’s all the stuff around it that concerns me. Of course your friend has every right to say she finds certain topics upsetting, and you have a right to ask what those parameters are. Friendships are about tolerating differences. But having seemingly “got this wrong” doesn’t warrant this behaviour from your friend. Your longer letter tells me how hard you’ve tried to make it right; and this is crucial. If you hadn’t tried, then my advice would be different.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber. She said: “My first thought is that your friend sounds very controlling. She has sectioned off and made rules for where you can and can’t go. So I have compassion for you. Your friend sounds wounded – not by you, but by something bigger that has nothing to do with you – and she may be finding the friendship too painful to cope with.”
You seem to have come to the same conclusion, wondering if she was taking out her anger at other things on you. This isn’t fair. Her not wanting to hear or talk about sex does make me wonder if there is some trauma in her background, and I have a lot of sympathy for that, and her wider mental health issues, but punishing you is not the answer.
Fox Weber said: “You’re understandably wanting to get closer, and her response to her sense of threat – even though you’re not threatening her and want to repair the rupture – is to pull away further. We all have different ways of responding to a sense of emotional danger. Hers seems to be flight and yours may be a combination of fight and fawn.”
If the friendship does continue, it has to be mutually beneficial. It can’t just be because you have been sufficiently “punished” and are then let in from the cold.
Fox Weber pointed out that “not all mysteries can be solved, unfortunately”. We may never know why your friend is really upset but “it’s not your responsibility to fix what’s happened or do something [further] to repair the rupture”.
You’ve tried. It’s really up to her now to come back to you. I know it’s hard but I would think carefully about wanting someone like this back in my life. You say she’s your closest friend but I wonder if this friendship has survived simply because you’ve done most of the work to keep it going.
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