A mum has shared how bipolar disorder made her think she'd caused the Covid-19 pandemic during a frightening manic episode.
Natasha Rea, 33, spoke out about the condition about following the release of pop star Selena Gomez's documentary in which she talks about her own struggles.
The Manchester mum's mental health struggles began when she was just 14, when she was diagnosed with 'mood disorder' - before going on to attempt to take her first overdose in January 2005.
Eventually Natasha was formally diagnosed with bipolar in 2013, shedding light on her intense emotions, deep depressions, anxiety and unpredictable manic episodes, reports the Manchester Evening News.
Now, she said she's 'thankful' that singer and actress Selena Gomez recently revealed her experience living with the condition in a documentary called My Mind and Me - starting a 'mainstream discussion' over how the condition "isn't simply high and low moods".
Natasha, an author and actor from Manchester said she thought it was 'really important' that Selena Gomez had come forward to speak about bipolar because of the young age of her fan base.
"In the clip, Selena said 'me and my mind don't always get on' and that resonated so much with me," Natasha explained. "She hasn't just come out and said I have bipolar and sometimes I have really high and low moods - she's discussed the different things it can do to you."
Natasha shared how her bipolar has physical effects that include being unable to move her legs and experiencing bowel problems due to anxiety.
"There are days I just can't move or get out of bed," she said. "It's so misunderstood people just don't understand the severity. The narrative is completely wrong - it's not super high highs and low lows."
She said there is still a 'stigma' around bipolar, and wants 'more awareness and more stories' to be shared about the diagnosis.
"I wouldn't be able to ring in to work and say 'my head's not great today' but I could phone in to say 'I have a stomach bug'," she said.
According to the creative, the pandemic tipped her over the edge and she experienced her first episode of psychosis on March 19 2020 - when she thought she had caused Covid and was responsible for the pandemic in a 'frightening' manic episode.
"I danced to the same song for six hours on repeat while drinking Jack Daniels straight from the bottle," she said. "I kept hearing a voice saying 'you think you have time' and I spent eight hours in a deserted hospital pacing the corridors.
"I wondered why they were playing the Greatest Showman on repeat and why Graham on reception was cleaning his hands with pink Carex. I still don't know if Graham was real or if they were playing the Greatest Showman. It still terrifies me."
After having her son, Luciano, 11, in March 2011, Natasha's mental health plummeted. She reached breaking point when she was driving through Manchester and got out on a busy road to cry for help. She said: "It was in the summer just after I'd had my little boy he was three months old.
"My mum had had a heart attack and everything was so intense, I worked 40-50 hours a week and I had the worst intrusive thoughts.
"I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody. I slammed on the breaks near Toys'R'Us got out of the car and just stood there. I just broke down like somebody needs to help me."
She went to the doctors who thought something was physically wrong with her but eventually she was referred to mental health - but she had to keep pushing to be heard. At the end of 2018, Natasha took an overdose and ended up back in hospital.
Natasha now teaches a 'living with bipolar' course at Greater Manchester Mental Health Hospital and wants others with the condition to know they can still have a good life.
She is on mood stabilisers to manage her symptoms but emphasises there isn't one kind of medication that works for everyone and owes her good days to exercise, diet and her creativity.
Natasha added: "It isn't an exaggeration to say my personal trainer, Anthony, saved my life. Weight-lifting has been a massive coping mechanism and I also found help through holistic healing and kundilini yoga."
The Bipolar UK ambassador released her book - Me, Myself and Bipolar Brenda: The Journals of a Happy Soul with a chaotic mind - in 2020 and hopes to inspire others with the condition.
"I use humour as a coping mechanism - I can laugh now that I s*** myself in the Tesco aisle because I was so anxious," she said. "Once I got fixated with the colour coral and spent £200 on coral items in Primark."
The author has vowed to never apologise for her disorder again.
"I promised myself I would never apologise ever again for being ill - it is like apologising for who I am," she said.
Natasha came up with different names such as Bipolar Brenda, Depressed Debbie and Anxious Annie to help her son understand her conditions and documents her journey on instagram @memyselfandbipolarbrenda.
Selena Gomez released her documentary 'My Mind and Me' on Apple TV on November 4.
For help and support visit bipolaruk.org.
