An intrepid reporter has set out across London to try and find the ugliest Wetherspoons the capital had to offer.
Wetherspoons are common across the country, an ever-present pub from Inverness to St Ives.
Some renounce the chain criticising its food, or its owner, Tim Martin, but you’d be hard pressed to find a punter who doesn't frequent their local Wetherspoons.
The chain has some undeniably beautiful pubs to offer, but some come under fire for being dreary and drab.
A reporter from My London took it upon themselves to set out across their home city on what she branded the “Depressing London Boozer Tour” to find the ugliest Wetherspoon the city had to offer.
Lea Dfiza Seeberg admitted that one of her favourite pubs was the Wetherspoons Knights Templar she frequented as a student.
But she's now interested in the other end of the spectrum, the ones “so distinctly ugly they’ve earned a reputation” for it.
The first stop was in Hackney, at Baxter’s Court, opposite the grand Empire cinema, but at first she were struck by how distinctly average the pub looked.
“The outside was painted white and there were flower pots and Jubilee decorations fluttering about in the wind," she said.
“The doors led me to a light grey patio that was bright, airy, and decked out with even more Jubilee bunting than the outside.”
But then things took a turn for the worse for the pub, adding: “Then I pushed my way through the second pair of doors and I felt all the joy get sucked out of me like I'd encountered a Dementor.”
The combination of the faded “distinctly 70s-style” carpet along with the “gloomy and dark” interior all contributed to an “ugly and depressing pub”.
But the reporter didn’t stop there. She said she was left feeling “empty inside” and worried she'd “never truly enjoy a pint again”.
The tipping point was the red walls she said, which triggered a fight of flight response so she "fled".
So distressing was the pub that she ran to the next stop on the Depressing London Boozer Tour, The Masque Haunt in Old Street - the worst ranked Zone 1 Wetherspoons the capital has to offer.
The reporter had vague, alcohol-clouded, memories of visiting in the past but were left thankful they weren’t more specific.
She said: “The excessive amount of bunting strung up throughout couldn't quite hide the sheer horror of dark purple carpet paired with cracked red leather stools.”
On top of that the slot machines were described as on “their last legs” and added to the “overarching gloominess” and “yet again I was struck by an overwhelming sense of gloom".
“Had the doors not been open I would have felt like there was no escape from this carpeted hellhole," she said.
On the trek to the next stop, she fought back what she called the Wetherspoon’s attempt to sap their happiness by imagining rainbows and unicorns.
The last stop on the Depressing London Boozer Tour was The Beehive in Brixton.
Whilst the bar was admittedly low from the previous two pubs, her third and final stop did manage to better it, if only slightly.
However, what little joy she got back was quickly destroyed by the “dark wooden features and chairs that looked grimier than a Northern line seat”.
So she left.
Drawing conclusions from the three-pub tour, the reporter was left convinced that all Wetherspoons “have dark carpets to emulate black holes and I'm convinced that's where my happiness ended up along with a lot of pints from decades gone by.”
This combined with the dark wood bars and booths contributes to the gloomy atmospheres, but she said all seemed to be located close to Tube stations, allowing a quick escape.
Walking away in a haze of Wetherspoons-induced-gloom, she decided The Masque Haunt took the prize for the “Ugliest Spoon I Will Never Visit Again”.
It was followed by Baxter’s Court as a close second, and The Beehive third because of its marginally better lighting.
