I’ve always been an anxious person, but have never been formally diagnosed with anxiety or prescribed medication to alleviate the symptoms. Last year I started living on my own for the first time, which, while freeing in many ways, has exacerbated my struggles. Being responsible for maintenance and repairs stresses me out, often to the point of tears. I feel ashamed of my inability to deal with what are ostensibly very simple, mundane problems. Even the prospect of hanging up pictures or painting a wall is daunting. I don’t have children, I don’t have any caring responsibilities, I’m physically healthy, and my job is both satisfying and low-stress – so why does life feel so difficult on a daily basis?
Now that I’m approaching 30, I’m tired of dealing with my mental health on my own, but feel there are no obvious paths to recovery. My best friends have regular therapy sessions. However, they earn a lot more than I do. Even a trainee counsellor at reduced rates or a service like BetterHelp are beyond what I can afford.
Whenever I visit my parents or hang out with my friends, I feel miles better. But as soon as I come back to my empty home, I start to spiral again. They’re aware I’ve been having a hard time, and always insist that I tell them whenever I feel sad or anxious. But, paradoxically, the worse I feel, the harder it is for me to reach out to them. I worry that if I contact them every time I feel down, it will wear them out, perhaps even scare them. It’s not fair to make them my unpaid therapists.
I know from my GP that there’s a two-year waiting list for NHS counselling services for those in acute mental distress, let alone “high-functioning” people like me. What should I do?
It’s great that you feel better after seeing your family and friends: you have found something that does work and, to a certain extent, that is what family and friends are for. I wonder where you learned that you might “wear people out”? We are social animals and we need that connection.
I contacted UKCP registered psychoanalytic psychotherapist Prof Brett Kahr and asked him what causes anxiety. He explained that anxiety is the ultimate manifestation of being human, that we all experience it and it reflects how safe or unsafe we feel in the world.
He further explained that “feeling some level of anxiety is often a sign of mental sturdiness, as an anxious person might be more attuned to the realities of life rather than being in a state of denial. It can be the people who are least in touch with their anxiety – those who profess not to feel anxious – who often project their own suffering on to everyone else.”
I asked if that meant that overanxious people were therefore taking on too much responsibility and the answer was, basically, yes.
We could speculate on why you are anxious; it could be partly your personality, and partly something in your past that has ramped up these stress hormones in you. But, really, it’s what you do now that matters.
It was very apparent that talking to people really helps you process, which is great news. But I understand about therapy feeling unaffordable, and Kahr had some suggestions: see below. But the first thing I would urge you to do is ask to go on that GP waiting list, because just doing this will, I think, feel quite empowering.
Kahr also picked up on you “wanting to reach out for help, but also on some level you seem to feel you don’t deserve that support, and this almost acts as an unconscious form of self-sabotage”.
While you would benefit greatly from having therapy, in the meantime, when you feel overwhelmed stop and ask yourself what you need in the next half an hour, not what you have to do, and see if you can make that happen. Few things are so urgent they have to be done immediately. Break the day, and tasks, into small, doable-for-you pieces.
Invite family and friends into your home and think about doing DIY with them. Often, what’s overwhelming for one can be fun in company. But also, bringing people into your space instead of you always going to theirs might help.
If you ever need to talk but can’t reach out for it (this is common), think about planning with one or two friends that you can send a symbol (such as an asterisk or an emoji) that means “I need to talk, can you ring me asap”.
I wanted to leave you with this advice from Kahr: “All mortals struggle with anxiety, but those who can verbalise their fears can improve greatly. Many regard anxiety as seemingly untreatable, but it’s actually hugely curable.”
• For low-fee therapy options, visit psychoanalysis.org.uk and britishpsychotherapyfoundation.org.uk
• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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