After years in the trenches together raising a family, couples whose children have flown the coop face a very different looking future. Like all major life transitions it can be a fraught time, especially for relationships. It even has its own syndrome. While the complicated feelings of loss and pride aren’t a clinical diagnosis, the fallout from the shift in family dynamics can be significant.
According to readers, whether relationships flourish or flounder in the aftermath has much to do with self-awareness, preparation and – like most things to do with love – communication.
While some readers found their romances rekindled, many others said that without the distractions family life, differences and difficulties felt amplified and sometimes insurmountable.
The greatest successes were experienced by those with hopes, goals, and a bit of money at the ready to embark on the next stage of life.
‘I accepted that I must have been about half the problem’
A week after our youngest daughter started university, my wife announced she was leaving and wouldn’t be coming back. I was 52; that was over 20 years ago. I haven’t had any intimate relationship since my wife left, and haven’t sought any.
No formal acknowledgment of separation was made until about eight years ago, when my former wife suggested we get a divorce, so we made a joint application for her to file. With no financial entanglements or children to care for it should have been a rubber stamp. I’ve asked her what happened but she won’t answer my emails. Maybe I’m still married, maybe not.
It took a few weeks to get over the shock of my wife’s departure, after that I actually found my life simplified and became much easier. I accepted that I must have been about half the problem in our relationship and not providing the emotional environment she required.
I have excellent relationships with my daughters, I have been looking after my grandkids since before they could walk, and they come to stay regularly.
Paul, far north Queensland, Australia, empty nest for 21 years
‘We took up golf and spent a lot of time with friends’
Our kids were gone by 1990. At that time it was commonplace for kids to leave home straight out of high school and they couldn’t wait.
I’d seen the next phase of our life coming and was proactive about putting changes in place that wouldn’t leave me rattling around a big house doing housework for the rest of my days.
We were lucky too because we had a holiday house, and as the kids became teenagers they wanted to stay in town with their friends, so we had a few years to warm up with weekends without them. We took up golf and spent a lot of time with friends.
I’m an army child, so I was brought up knowing how to move on. My husband and I had frank conversations about what we wanted and while he didn’t feel it was as urgent as me to make changes, I was adamant it was time to start afresh. We sold the family home and built a house for ourselves which I think was a really good thing to do.
After the boys left home we both carried on working for 10 or so years before I took on a volunteer role as a board member after retirement. We were busy, but had no jobs as such and we were fortunate enough to have some money which meant we were able to do a lot of travelling in our 70s.
This all sounds as if we never had any problems, which of course isn’t true. Marriage at 50 (or in your 80s) isn’t the same as when you’re in your 20s, but if you can get through the pressures of family life together you can probably get through anything, as long as you face up to what’s coming and look at it squarely so you can make good choices and plan ahead.
Jennifer, Melbourne, Australia, empty nest for 33 years
‘Without hesitation, I left’
Once me and my wife were alone in the house all the problems of a long-stagnant marriage got worse. The coldness, the lack of intimacy, the isolation – it was depressing beyond imagination.
When a lover and friend from college contacted me after her divorce, it was like I came home. I fell in love with her all over again.
We’d met in 1974 and were never an exclusive couple in our youth, but held a special attraction and had a deep friendship. Our one try at a relationship in 1983 didn’t work out, we were in different places in life then, and we went on to marry other people. But it felt so natural when we saw each other again.
We caught up a few times a year; passionate vacations, stays at her house. Eventually she told me she wanted the whole deal and that I had to choose. Without hesitation, I left and moved into her house. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Trust your feelings, don’t try to smooth things over at the expense of knowing yourself. Be bold if you need to change.
Anonymous, USA – empty nest for eight years
‘After a long monogamous marriage, I enjoyed casually dating’
My wife and I separated shortly after the last of our three children left home, about 11 years ago. We had separated about 10 years prior, for six months when they were still at school, but decided to get back together to keep the family intact.
After a long monogamous marriage, I enjoyed casually meeting different women which I did mainly by online dating. I remain good friends with a few of the women I dated. Some of the women I met were enjoying not having children at home and dating was a part of them feeling more freedom to go out or to invite men over.
Anonymous, Australia, empty nest for 11 years
‘We have rediscovered why we hung out’
I married my best friend from high school; we met at 16. In 2013 one of our children left home; five years later we built an apartment under our house, which our son moved into.
We are closer now and have rediscovered why we hung out when we were just teenagers. The adjustment was pretty easy, but now we’ve taken on grandparenting in a big way.
Sitting and talking is really important. I had affairs in my 40s which my partner forgave me for. It took a lot of backgammon, a lot of wine, and a lot of time to rebuild trust. But we truly love each other and wanted it to work.
Anonymous, Australia, empty nest for six years
