It had been shaping up to be another sleepy Thursday in Westminster. A day when hostilities were put on hold after the exertions earlier in the week. A time for MPs to be a little more playful with one another. To even, occasionally, agree with one another.
And that’s very much how proceedings began. First, there were outpourings of sympathy from members of all parties for the family of John Prescott, who had died the day before. Tributes for a life well lived. Then the main business: a statement from Keir Starmer on Cop29 and the G20.
A formality at best. A courtesy to the House of Commons in which the prime minister reannounces all the things he already announced at the summits while MPs pretend to look interested. Meanwhile, the leader of the opposition asks some innocuous questions that make her look more statesmanlike, while trying not to look too envious that she wasn’t the one who got to hobnob with world leaders.
At least that’s how these statements usually pan out. Only no one had told Kemi Badenoch. The Tory leader doesn’t really trade in niceties. Partly because she can’t see the point, but mainly because she thinks it’s a sign of weakness. To say something vaguely supportive to the prime minister would give her a mini-breakdown. It would be a betrayal of her narcissistic psyche. Exposing the wound.
So KemiKaze went straight in on the attack. Cop29 was a complete waste of everyone’s time. Just a load of people virtue-signalling. No one more so than Starmer with his new target for reducing emissions. People needed to get real and start using up more fossil fuels. Drill, baby, drill. We could think about green energy in 10 years or so. Things would have changed by then. For the worse. For Kemi, climate science was just another culture war.
This was just the start. The G20 had also been totally pointless. Nothing good had come of it. Just a load of world leaders getting a bit up themselves. Starmer would have been better off staying at home talking to the farmers. It had all just been one long ego trip. Bitter and twisted? Never! When she got to be prime minister – there was a lot of wishful thinking going on here – she would make sure she never spoke to any other prime minister or president. In fact, she would never leave the country again. The last thing she needed was any greater contact with foreigners.
Starmer looked nonplussed. Could he just check one or two things back with Kemi? There was a time, not so long ago, when there had been cross-party agreement on climate change. When the UK had been proud to be a world leader on green energy. It’s come to something when we’re looking back on the Boris Johnson era as a time of enlightenment. But we were where we were. The Tories had abandoned mainstream climate change thought and chosen to align themselves with heavyweight scientists such as Nigel Farage and Allison Pearson.
As for the G20, Keir observed it was generally better to talk to other leaders in person wherever possible. That was part of the prime minister’s job. It helped foster relationships and minimise misunderstandings. After all, climate and conflict were the two biggest drivers of mass migration. Was Kemi seriously suggesting he should not have gone to Rio? Join Vladimir Putin as the only leader of a G20 country not to show their face? Kemi nodded vigorously. That was precisely what she had in mind.
To be fair, this was all a bit too much for many Tories but they tried to bite their lips. No point being cancelled by a leader who was too sensitive to criticism. Kemi has more in common with the wokerati than she thinks. Iain Duncan Smith and Tom Tugendhat both wanted to know if Starmer had pressed President Xi of China on the jailing of the pro-democracy campaigners in Hong Kong.
Yes, said Keir. Then why were they still in prison? Some guys won’t take yes for an answer. Er … it turns out that not all foreign leaders do exactly what Britain wants just because we have asked for it. Christmas must be hell in their homes. Santa under sanctions for failing to deliver on his promises. The nadir came when Richard Holden started heckling Starmer for having joined President Macron at a French Remembrance Day service. Dicky still thinks all French are surrender monkeys. Not to be trusted at all costs. Maybe Kemi feels the same.
Meanwhile, over in west London, the world’s neediest man was making another appearance before the Covid inquiry. Step forward, Matt Hancock. Feel his pain. He sacrificed his career for a grope on CCTV, he’s been on several reality TV shows and the world still has not thanked him. Rather, it just wants to forget. We want to move on, but first there must be a reckoning.
Counsel for the inquiry, Jacqueline Carey, began by asking Door Matt if there was anything he would have done differently to protect the NHS. Matt didn’t need to think twice. He had done everything and more to keep the NHS working despite being impeded by halfwits both inside and out of No 10. Those of us who were still alive – having miraculously made it through Covid – owed everything to him. Not that he was looking for thanks.
No one would ever know quite how much Hancock had done. He had been our guardian angel. During the long nights of lockdown, he had sneaked into hospitals to tend to the sick and dying. Had single-handedly developed a vaccine. He had even performed open-heart surgery on a man who lay intubated on a ventilator. Just one of many small acts of kindness he had done night after night.
Without Matt, the NHS would have been on its knees. Carey observed that many would argue the NHS had been on its knees. Some staff unable to access PPE. Many patients unable to get treatment for other conditions. Here Matt got a bit testy. He had done his best. So what if some staff didn’t have surgical gowns? They should have gone to another hospital where there were a couple going spare. It wasn’t his fault if doctors couldn’t think outside the box.
Think of the real victims, he said. Not the patients. But the politicians. Think of him. Struggling in vain against a cruel disease in a pitiless world. Unappreciated to the end.
Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
