“I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it,” wrote Everything is Illuminated author Jonathan Safran Foer, describing an all-too familiar thought process for many of us.
The last few years haven’t exactly helped, with experts citing the pandemic – and consequent rise in isolation and anxiety levels – as an unhelpful trigger for many would-be overthinkers. But letting things go and living in the present is often harder than it sounds.
Here, therapist Caroline Toshack from the Recovery Centre, which has clinics in London and Edinburgh, offers her advice on swerving pressure and perfectionism, in favour of rediscovering joy and simplicity …
Don’t think too far ahead
Recent events and fears around health have meant that thinking (read: worrying) about the future and the health of loved ones is often inevitable. But while forward-thinking can be useful, it can also prove detrimental if we lean on it too hard, says Toshack.
“As humans we’re hard-wired to look to the future and back at the past. Looking forward lets us prepare and plan for what’s ahead and motivates us. Looking back, conversely, helps us to learn and grow from previous experiences. Too much focusing on the future and over-preparing for what might happen, however, leads to stress and anxiety. Likewise, looking back at what we might have done differently often leads to excessive rumination and worry.”
When you feel your mind racing to the past or future, try gently rooting yourself in a positive emotion you’re currently feeling in the present day, instead.
Set time aside to ‘worry’
If you find yourself worrying about things you have little to no control over, don’t berate yourself too hard – it’s human nature. “Anxiety and worry are coping strategies,” says Toshack. “They help us believe we are doing something to control things that feel out of our control. But rather than dealing with the underlying stresses, they actually perpetuate more anxiety and worry, making it increasingly difficult to switch off or relax. Understanding this can be helpful for those who find themselves increasingly anxious or worried about day-to-day things.”
Try setting aside 10 or 15 minutes when you feel overwhelmed as a specific “worry time”, she suggests. “This might seem counterintuitive, but it can actually stop worries dominating your entire day.”
… then put things into perspective
Writing your worries down on a piece of paper can, in itself, be a helpful task, but assessing them honestly should help you gain clarity and perspective. “Write down all your worries – big and small,” says Toshack. “Draw a line through the ones you can’t control – worrying about these is simply a waste of your energy. With those that are left, decide if you can do something about them now or in the near future. If not, make peace with letting them go. If yes, make a plan for dealing with them. Knowing you have a clear way forward should help you feel calmer and more in control almost immediately.”
Find prompts to ground you
Ever find yourself replaying situations in your head? This keeps us in a loop of hoping that somehow we can change what happened (newsflash: not likely).
“Instead of ruminating over what could have been, ask yourself the following questions: ‘What can I learn from it?’; ‘How can I move on?’ and ‘What can I do right now to help myself?’,” says Toshack. Mindfulness can be a useful practice to help put worries, anxiety or rumination to the side – use prompts or items around you to help tune into your senses. “For instance, look at the plant beside you and see it fully – the colours, textures, the light on the vase. Or try listening to sounds around you – perhaps you hear traffic, birds or a clock ticking. Even just 30 seconds of ‘noticing’ and focusing is enough to feel calming effects.”
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