While childbirth is famously onerous, one of the lesser-known traumas of becoming a new mother is trying to make “mum friends”. Comparable with searching for a love interest, but with the added stress of trying not to seem flirty, horny, or creepy; it is one of the more awkward paths a person can endeavour to navigate. There often isn’t enough time in baby groups to get to know people, and the politics of trying to single anyone out in NCT groups can be complicated and confusing. With this in mind, the tech world has taken it upon itself to lend a helping hand to marooned mothers by developing “mum friend” apps. While aimed mainly at those newly entering motherhood, many claim to be a tool for women up until menopause - and so, as a woman with more children than friends, I thought I’d test my emotional endurance and give one of the apps a whirl.
I tried Peanut, simply because I had been targeted with about 800 Instagram ads for it. At first glance, it was a nightmare. I was made to describe myself via harrowing classifications such as “fashion killa”, “glam guru”, and “city chick”. I chose “hot mess” because that felt like the least offensive option, and “astrology wizz” because I believe in ghosts and think it’s important to be upfront about that. Once past the torture of labelling myself via #girlboss categories, I then descended into the next circle of Hell where I had to swipe left or right on the kindly faces of other mothers. Almost immediately I felt myself being dragged back into the fetid swamp of my Tinder days, with flashbacks popping into my head like an unwanted firework display. Previously repressed images of Bens, Jims, and Barnabys resurfaced in their fly-fishing gear with a gormless look in their eyes, ready to pounce on unsuspecting women with details of their fitness regimen.
