Dear Coleen
I got back in touch with a guy I knew some years ago and we’ve been dating for a couple of months now. We’ve realised we’re similar in so many ways and have lots in common, although we do have some differences, which I think is good.
I’ve never come across anyone else I’ve related to so well. We’re both looking to settle down, I absolutely love his personality and character, and who he is as a person – mature, stable, caring. He basically ticks all the boxes.
However, the issue is that I don’t think I’m sexually attracted to him – the way he walks, dresses and his hair, but I don’t want to change someone.
We’ve both become emotionally attached to each other. We like each other’s company and enjoy having open, real conversations. But I just can’t get over the fact that I’m not attracted to him.
I question myself all the time about whether I can live with it.
I certainly don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m drooling over other men who I find attractive. It wouldn’t be fair.
I know how silly it all sounds, but I just haven’t met anyone like him. We’re both emotionally invested and I feel stuck because I don’t want to hurt him.
What would you advise? Have your say in comments below
Coleen says
I’ve been in this situation myself and it’s such a weird thing to explain and put a name to – you’ve met someone you’ve clicked with and who’s perfect on paper, but there’s one thing missing and it’s the stomach flip when they enter the room.
You can’t force that and I’m afraid the bottom line is that he doesn’t tick all the boxes because sexual attraction is a big box to leave unticked!
When I was in this predicament, I constantly questioned myself because I really wanted it to work, but I realised I could end up spending a very long time with someone I basically didn’t fancy and that’s not fair on anyone.
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In terms of clothes and hair, we all learn what our other half likes and doesn’t like, and we tend to adapt our style because we want to look nice for them, so I don’t think his sense of style (or lack of it) is the main problem. However, a lack of sexual chemistry is a huge problem and you might have to either have a break to ponder on that or accept that you’re better off as friends.
He sounds perfect as a companion, but not someone whose clothes you want to rip off (for sex, not because you want to dress him in something nicer!).
