I met my husband almost seven years ago when I was 19 and he was six years older. He had just stopped drinking and had recently moved home from the forces. We fell in love immediately. He was attractive, silly and so sweet.
We have been married for three years now and have two children. When our first was born he changed drastically. He has extreme delusions and paranoia and has become abusive in every way. Physical, mental, emotional, verbal and sexual. His drinking is out of control; he started using drugs again.
He watches porn and posts photos of himself to solicit attention from anyone who will give it to him. He talks to other people, looking for sex chats and outright lying about me, saying that I’m the abuser and a horrible mother.
I tell him over and over again how upset I am about these things, hoping for some kind of remorse and/or explanation, but it’s always the same: he gets angry at me and says I’m the problem and accuses me of everything under the sun. He seems to genuinely believe he’s in the right and that he is somehow a victim. It’s crazy-making.
Looking back, I can see the red flags and all the ways he abused me subtly and broke me down over time but I can’t face it. Somehow I can’t find the courage to leave. But I know this isn’t right, I don’t want my children to think this is OK. I miss the man I fell in love with but he seems to be long gone. Maybe he was never there.
I think it’s really hard to admit a relationship isn’t working, even in the best environment. But here you have all manner of abuse to deal with too. It is, as you say, crazy-making.
This relationship is abusive and it is affecting you and your children. The abuse is not your fault nor your responsibility. Only the perpetrator is responsible for their behaviour. Nothing ever excuses this behaviour, not alcohol consumption or drugs, or being depressed or losing a job, or someone’s football team losing. I can understand you can’t face it but you already have. You’ve written to me. A lot of women, too many, will identify with what you are saying as domestic abuse can intensify around this time of year.
I went to Sarah Berry-Valentine of Refuge and we discussed how pregnancy is often “a big trigger for perpetrators to feel they are losing control and use that as the moment to try to exert further control”.
We can’t tell you to leave your husband. But I do want you to think about your future and wonder if you’d still like to be where you are in six months’, six years’ time. Nothing you do will make your husband change, no matter how small you make yourself, or how mute. His behaviour is his choice.
It is really hard to face these situations, especially when you have children. Over the 15 years I’ve been writing this column I’ve seen many similar stories and it can take years for someone to accept that it’s an abusive situation and, then, to find the courage to get out. Part of the cycle of abuse is to isolate the person, to make them feel like no one else will want them or they have nowhere to go. But leaving isn’t easy and it has to be done with great care as this is when a woman is most vulnerable to an abusive partner.
The first thing we’d like you to do is please ring one of the helplines below, when it’s safe to do so. “The trained specialists will listen to you,” Berry-Valentine explained, “and go through different safety checks, give you options and will help you decide what works for you.” They will also help you with an escape strategy if necessary. If you don’t yet feel ready to reach out to domestic abuse organisations please try a very trusted friend and tell them what’s going on. At no stage should you tell your husband what you are doing, or your children.
You might also want to keep a diary if it’s safe to do so, this can really help women to see what’s happening. If you or your children are in immediate danger please dial 999.
• For more advice, call the 24-hour the domestic abusehelpline free on 0808 2000 247, or visit refuge.org.uk, nationaldahelpline.org.uk or womensaid.org.uk
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
• The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
