How do you do conversation? I don’t understand how it works. I can only ever communicate factual information such as “A coffee and a croissant, please.”
Other people seem to rattle on about anything and everything, constantly jumping from one topic to another, but I can never follow. If I ever feel that I have something to contribute and try to join in they simply ignore me or change the subject. If I try to initiate a conversation, for example by complimenting someone on their obviously expensive camera, they will initially respond but after about 60 seconds turn away as soon as they realise that I am “trying to make conversation”.
On the other hand I am able to express myself very well in writing. Even more paradoxically I make a good living as a translator (in written form), translating from various European languages. Partly this is because I take a very analytical approach to language and so am able to dig deep into the meaning of what the writer is trying to convey.
I also get along very well with animals, using body language. For instance I can get dogs to follow me around, walk to heel, sit or lie down merely by using gestures.
In the past I have been able to develop long-term romantic relationships, but only after a lengthy period of situational, formal interaction (“A coffee and a croissant, please”). In other words a very extended, pre-verbal flirt phase.
But it would be nice to take my conversational skills a little bit higher. Any tips?
Quite a lot of people aren’t as skilled at conversation as they think, so you are not alone. What’s great is that you are curious and asking the question. Some people are stuck on transmit (“rambling”) and think talking about themselves is good chat. Some think interrogating the other person is the way to go. But conversation is the turning together of two people. A lot of people mistake talking for conversation.
I wouldn’t necessarily always blame yourself either; a fruitful conversation does require input from two people, not just one left doing the heavy lifting.
I went to psychotherapist and skilled conversationalist Chris Mills with whom I did a podcast on the art of listening which is a great bedrock of conversation.
Mills pondered on “the difference between small talk and delivering factual information. The fundamental for a conversation to be successful is that it has to make emotional contact and a list of facts (“croissant and coffee”) on their own won’t do that. It has to have emotional zing.”
So to layer on what you already do you could add, “the croissants look great – do you make them here?” or “this coffee hits the spot, what blend is it?” These things won’t trigger a massive conversation because baristas often have a queue to serve, but they are stepping stones and good practice points. We also have to be realistic about how far some conversations, in certain settings, can go. I think it’s entirely realistic that after 60 seconds someone will call time on talking about a camera. Even the most skilled conversationalist would struggle.
That said some people need fewer triggers. Some spill more slowly. It’s not all on you.
Being interested and curious – which you clearly are – is a great springboard for conversation; we are after all hard-wired for connection. “To have a conversation you have to be able to imagine how what you’re saying is going to land with the other person. And that takes empathy,” says Mills.
The examples you give about communications with animals and translation are interesting but in terms of exchange they are one-way streets. “Dogs,” explains Mills “are pack animals. They react to being told what to do, but it’s not a conversation.”
Observation is also a great tool for conversation: just hearing what others talk about. There’s a reason talking about the weather is a stalwart in so many countries. It’s a connection, it’s non-committal, it’s not too personal and you can test the water with the other person. If they grunt in reply then that’s on them. If they spout forth that might open the door to a bit more chat. But like I said, you have to be realistic. Some conversations will never go beyond a few exchanges. When they do, listen carefully to what people are saying and instead of facts maybe think about feelings. So if someone says, “I’m going on holiday to X” try something like “have you ever been before? Are you excited about going?”
My most successful conversation starter is a simple “How are you/what sort of day are you having?”. Good luck!
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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