I’m 14 and dreading the return of feelings that school brought last year. It was a rollercoaster, and just the tiniest thing – or sometimes even nothing – had me depressed for an entire day. Sometimes I zoned out so much that I would forget where I was, and I generally lived in my head, imagining what could have been different, what I would like to happen. It was this detachment and the feeling that no one related to this that really got to me. It’s those feelings that I don’t want to go back to, plus the constant pressure and having to do my best in everything – and having no time for myself.
I’d like to talk to my GP, but my parents alway sit in on my appointments, and I don’t know how to nicely ask them to give us some privacy without getting yelled at or grilled afterwards about every single word exchanged.
I’m scared of the future. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. Next year I have some pretty big exam choices to make that decide whether you’re going to succeed in life or not. I am terrified of that. Which one do I choose? How do I know? How do I stop from stressing about it until then?
Also, how do I not chase people away? I get attached way too easily and I give way too much and they get tired of me. What should I do about that?
First, well done for writing in. I had lots of similar letters over the summer. It doesn’t make your situation any less difficult but this is a common theme with young people around the world and hopefully there will be some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your feelings.
Being an adolescent is hard. You can’t see yet what you’re going to do or how wonderful life will be at times, neither do you have the experience of knowing you can ride out storms and that things will pass. But you can, and they do. I promise you won’t always feel like this, yet in adolescence, it can feel like this is it for ever. Adolescence is also when your brain goes through a massive rewiring process, not to mention great hormonal upheaval, and things can seem very black and white. Here is a link to a podcast I did about the teenage brain.
I know that choosing the right path now seems very make or break, but it really isn’t. Everything you do will feed into who you are, even the wrong choices. (I had done five jobs before the age of 26.) In fact it’s in the failure that we develop and grow. You’re self-aware, articulate and curious and these qualities will see you through life.
I went to UKCP-registered adolescent psychotherapist Jason Maldonado-Page with your problem. In his work Maldonado-Page said he “often sees issues such as yours and it can be difficult for adults, parents and professionals to remember what it’s like to be an adolescent”.
He had a great idea, which is to get your parents to look at photos of when they were about your age. “Doing this can help them put their adult selves into adolescent shoes, to better understand what you are going through. I believe that adults remembering their own adolescence can almost always unlock the ability to listen and understand children better.”
Of course it may not be that easy, but it may be an “in”. I know you don’t live in the UK so not sure what the rules are where you are, but can you make an appointment to go to the GP on your own? Or could you give your GP a heads up (by calling or writing ahead) that you need time alone with them so they ask your parents to step outside? This may help you talk to the GP, so you could maybe access some counselling services.
Maldonado-Page wondered what attachment and friendship meant to you. A lot of examples these days come from television and real life isn’t like that. Adolescence is also about trying out how we feel about people and that involves spending a lot of time in our heads. Do you do much physical exercise and getting outdoors? It can really help.
You don’t have to be your best all the time. Everyone gets it wrong at times (especially parents) and that’s OK. Sometimes it’s worth just whispering to yourself, “What about if it’s going to be OK?”
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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