A woman who found her mum in bed with her cousin has written to agony aunt, columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine to ask what she should do. She wrote:
"I popped in to see my mother a couple of weeks ago, to tell her about the holiday I had just booked. She’d clearly forgotten that I was coming, because I found her in the bedroom with a man I’d always assumed was her cousin.
"When she finally emerged, she was very embarrassed and made light of it all, as her ‘cousin’ got his things together and left. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say to her. In the end, we both ignored what we know had happened and I left as soon as I could.
"I haven’t spoken to her since, but did mention it to my brother. He told me that this has been going on for some time and was one of the reasons why he moved out into his own place as soon as he could.
"Thinking back on it, I now recall that this man had been around the house often when my mother was at home alone. So why on earth didn’t I realise sooner what was going on? My brother also said that he’d tried a few years back to have a quiet word about it with our father. However, he stopped caring one way or the other, when our father dismissed his worries and told him not to tell me, as I might misunderstand.
"Well, I don’t misunderstand – I am 26 and I understand all too clearly. What my mother is doing is wrong and I want her to stop. I also hate that my family has deliberately kept this secret from me.
"My parents have lived together all this time, and I don’t know why father seems so tolerant of what is going on. As long as this continues, I don’t want to see her again, but I can’t just shut her out of my life forever, she’s my mother and I love her. What should I do? -E. J."
FIONA SAYS: THERE MIGHT BE MORE TO THE STORY
This is not an easy situation for you, but please try not to judge your mother too harshly at this stage, at least until you’ve got more information. It is possible that there’s a lot about this situation that you simply don’t know.
For example, your parents’ marriage might have failed some time ago, but they chose to continue living together under the same roof. Alternatively, they may have adopted a non-monogamous open relationship, leaving each other free to have sexual relationships with other partners. Perhaps your mother is not getting the affection she needs from her husband and looks for it elsewhere. As you didn’t actually see what your mother was doing in the bedroom, is it possible that man might simply be a masseuse or physical therapists of some kind?
This is all speculation – but what is certain, is that this relationship (sexual or otherwise) has lasted for several years and is clearly not a casual one. Your father seems unwilling to discuss it and your brother is no longer interested, so the only way you can really understand what is happening here is to speak with your mother.
Do you think you could do that without being angry or judgemental? She may indeed have kept the truth of this situation from you because she thought you were too young at the time to understand, or she was simply too embarrassed. Whatever the reason, you’re an adult now, and you know that things are not always what they seem. Please contact her and explain that you still love her but need to know what is going on.
