I am of Asian background, in my late 40s, and live in the capital of my husband’s European home country with him and our two children. I met him more than 20 years ago in London, where we started our family, and we enjoyed our life.
We moved to this country 12 years ago, to be closer to his family, for more support, and because the cost of living is lower. Now, I feel I want to go back to London.
The city we live in is known for its multiculturalism and diversity. I put a lot of effort into learning the language and getting a job. We’ve bought a flat; it’s small for the standard here, but we couldn’t afford it in London.
Everything seemed to be working perfectly, until recently. I don’t feel as if I belong. The industry I work in is dominated by local people, which I never expected. I feel excluded, and receive everyday microaggressions, in the office and in daily life. I am tired and feel alone.
I also miss the sensibility and delicacy in British culture. Here, I need to be tough, strong and demanding. I am not like that.
Seeing my eldest child leaving home and my youngest, who is still at school, becoming more independent has made me realise how unhappy I am. I feel I have put the needs of everyone else first, and neglected my own. But I don’t want to dwell on self-pity, knowing only too well the suffering mother who claims to have sacrificed her life for her children. My own was like that, and was good at making me feel guilty, which is why I left my country and keep my distance.
I want to make my own life and be happy. I would like to go back to London right away. But my life with my husband and children is also very important. Our children feel at home here.
Everything worked perfectly, until recently. What happened? Something must have triggered this. Some of the good reasons you left London may not be so pertinent any more (ie you probably don’t need as much family support now your children are older) but some surely still are. You say you couldn’t afford the flat you have now, in London. So where would you live?
I’ve read and understand what you say, but both the psychotherapist Chris Mills and I spent a long time discussing your letter and we wondered if perhaps your issue wasn’t just a geographical one. Glass ceilings and ignorant, racist people can and do exist in any city.
So while those issues are indeed problematic, we wondered if it was also, as Mills said, a reaction to “some enormous life changes going on: one of your children is leaving home and the other one won’t be far behind, and you’re thinking ‘what is the next chapter of my life going to look like and have I done what I wanted to?’”
You say you’re not tough and strong but you have shown those qualities, and incredible industry too. It’s not easy to relocate, as you have done, twice. But how much were any of these moves really about you?
Something magical happens to women in mid-life when they realise it’s time to put themselves front and centre. We could pontificate on the relative merits of London v where you live now, but Mills felt the conversation needed to start “with you talking to your husband and really telling him how you feel, this feels more important than rushing into a decision.
“You’re coming to the end of a very heavily identified period as a mother. You’ve really grafted, really worked. Maybe now you’re wondering what it would feel like to think about what you want and what makes you happy. And maybe that feels daunting. Could you and your husband couple up and talk about what the future looks like with you and him at the centre of it, as the children increasingly look after their own interests?”
Could you look into the job market in London, or could you work in London for part of the time and still live where you do, so you could dip a toe in the water? People do do this. You could also move and your children decide not to move with you as they get older. Would London with just you and your husband still be as attractive?
In the short term, plan a trip to London just for you, meet up with some old friends and see what they say. Pay heed to what makes you feel defensive – this is what you need to pay attention to, because it’s easy to become fixated with a ‘solution’ and not listen to problems associated with it that others may bring up.
But I also wondered how much of this was retrospective anger? Because if you don’t work on the source of that, it will follow you wherever you end up living.
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