Due to a combination of shyness, insecurity and finding intimacy painful, I am far less experienced when it comes to relationships than my age (early 30s) would suggest. I have only had one serious, long-term relationship. A few months after it ended, I started a casual relationship with one of my housemates. I knew from the start that this was a bad idea, but I was (still am) very attracted to him.
It has felt like a “real” relationship at times, however, he can also be very immature. After being “casual” but seeing nobody but me for almost a year, he has recently had an encounter that left me feeling rejected, jealous and hurt, especially since I could hear everything. I made my feelings clear and he was very apologetic.
He asked me if I could see myself continuing to sleep with him if he started seeing other people. I really am not OK with this. I know the logical thing is to stop sleeping with him, but I am not sure I will be able to resist the temptation. I know I need to start looking for a real relationship but I am dreading the process. Am I being too stubborn and inflexible, or are my misgivings justified?*
Eleanor says: In our first romantic relationships, whether we’re 15 or 50, there’s a lesson we often learn the hard way: there is a limit to how much we can resent someone for failing to meet expectations that we alone created.
Granted, it’s not especially kind for this housemate to sleep with someone else next door (why not go to the date’s house?). But if he’s always called this “casual” and he’s said he wants to see other people, then that’s the upper threshold of what it is: not especially kind. We don’t get to have much more than a flash of indignation or disappointment when someone tells us exactly how low to set our expectations and then precisely meets them. Many hearts have broken on their own unfounded optimism: when someone shows you what to expect from them, believe them.
It is an annoying feature of romantic connections that they get forged by a sort of mutual up-bidding: each person has to make themselves vulnerable by showing progressively more interest, then hold their breath and hope the other person feels the same. You stick your paddle up with a tentative invitation to see each other again, and they do too; they ask you to meet friends or family and to you that feels like good news. But since most of the people we date aren’t the people we’ll spend our lives with, almost all relationships hit a moment where one person doesn’t stick their paddle up. A fifth date? No thanks. Exclusivity? Not for me. It smarts, it’s embarrassing, it feels like belting out the chorus just as everyone else goes silent, but we have to find a way to develop a thick hide about these moments; to see them as nothing more than helpful information. You want a relationship with someone who’s excited about you – so it’s in fact a species of good news to discover that this person just isn’t.
In the short term I’d set about trying to extinguish the attraction to this guy. Since so much of desire is about possibility and the unknown, you could try to focus on the known. What you’ve told me about him is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and you think he’s a bit immature. Focusing on those things, instead of what he might be, could help starve the crush of oxygen.
In the long term, I think there’s a valuable insight curled up in this experience like a fortune in a cookie. You might be able to take it with you as you look for different relationships: try not to tie your happiness to the hope that someone else will change their mind. This is something many people forget, even decades into established marriages.
Whatever the mind-change you’re privately hoping for – that they’ll want exclusivity, that they will or won’t want children, that they’ll decide to change cities, get a job or quit one – do not ransom your future to it. The possibility that someone will start wanting something they currently don’t is not a safe bet to stake your heart on.
*This letter has been edited for length
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