I recently saw an old friend for the first time in a few years and feel I must do something to help her but I’m not sure how.
She is older than me, in her early 70s. We no longer live close, so don’t see each other often, but we have stayed in touch. Her husband died a couple of years ago. My friend had forgotten about our plan to meet up. It then became obvious that she had forgotten most things from before her husband’s death and had also forgotten to go to another event she was due to attend.
As we talked, it became obvious she is not coping without her husband, neither practically or emotionally. She doesn’t find it easy to discuss her emotional life but said “I’m struggling” several times.
She has been left well-off, with significant assets in properties and cash. She has no children or close family, though there are a number of cousins, nieces and nephews. I think some of her “friends” may be taking advantage of her. One has asked to move his family into her London flat. So far, she has refused. Another came out for dinner and never put his hand in his pocket, so she paid. He texts her regularly, but this man is 40 years her junior. Another travels to the country to visit her. I feel strongly they are predators.
She is clearly not thriving or dealing with the loss of her husband. I suggested she contact Cruse Bereavement Support but I don’t think she will. My friend is nobody’s fool when it comes to money, but she is vulnerable. She has good legal and financial advisers, and I know who her lawyers are, so I could perhaps convey my concerns to them but I’d hate her to think I was going behind her back. What can I do?
It’s wonderful you are concerned about your friend. Keep in touch, say a weekly phone call to reinforce the relationship you already have. She may not be ready to accept help, or fully confide how much she’s struggling, but if you speak regularly this will give her the opportunity, over time, to open up.
I spoke to lawyer Gary Rycroft who specialises in advising elderly clients and Lesley Carter of Age UK.
Both recommended talking to your friend about your worries. Rycroft thought it was positive that she has lawyers and financial advisers, as it would seem that your friend, and her husband, were on top of these things.
Rycroft recommended saying something like, “It was lovely to catch up. You seem to be doing well in many aspects, but I’ve got to be honest, I’m a bit worried about you. I don’t want to interfere but I do want to support you.”
This may be a good “in” to talk about ways you could do that. If she feels she’s losing ability she will be frightened and that may make her defensive, so go slowly. If she says no, leave it but carry on calling her. If you can, go and see her.
If she is keen to be helped, now or in the future, there are things that can be put in place if they’re not already. An obvious one would be to make sure she has made a will and appointed a lasting power of attorney. This won’t stop her being scammed or taken advantage of but it means there’s an attorney there who could “exercise a light, supervisory role”, says Rycroft.
The Land Registry has a Property Alert service that is free, and anyone can put an alert on any property on the registry – you don’t have to own it. It will then tell you if there is activity on it, such as a mortgage being taken out on it or if someone tries to sell it.
Carter said: “Your friend may have cognitive impairment, which has started with the grief. When two people live together they can help each other out without really knowing it until that other person has gone.”
It would be great if in time your friend could see her doctor to ascertain what’s going on and access local help.
Also, she may know her friends haven’t got her best interests at heart, but may feel having to pay for the odd dinner is worth it for the company. I’ve come across a few cases like this.
If your friend persistently refuses help and you remain worried, you could contact her lawyer. They may tell her what you’ve done, however, which may annoy her. But, ultimately, it’s better to have her protected and cross with you than vice versa.
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