The opening to the James Bond movie Spectre follows the titular spy in Day of the Dead costume as he moves through vast crowds at the spectacular celebrations in Mexico City. Into a six-star hotel, past a masquerade party, whereupon his glamorous companion produces a key. Up to her room, passionate kiss, she’s on the bed – but he’s stripped down to his Savile Row suit and a Glock 17, and is straight out the window across the rooftops to assassinate a man for having a terrible ponytail. Misses, survives a load of buildings collapsing, spots his mark and chases him through thousands of skull mask-wearing carnival-goers to the main square. Hang on: what’s this? Helicopter rescue for Ponytail? I don’t think so, mate – launches himself into the cabin, violence ensues, chopper whirls insanely above the heads of screaming revellers while they fight on the landing skids, gets the mysterious ring, strangles a few henchmen, bye-bye Ponytail, averts tailspin. Probably isn’t going to get his shag now but hey – it’s a living.
Anyway: pitch for the cold open to the next Bond movie. Tracking shot, obviously. Sitting at an office desk featuring a Pret sandwich wrapper and a reusable coffee cup given to him by a lobbyist for Big Vape, a young man closes the TM Lewin Men’s Shirt Sale tab on his computer – no, wait, goes back; orders another white poplin regular fit – then fires up LinkedIn and professes himself “honoured and incredibly excited to see what this next chapter holds” (his application for a Conservative party conference pass has been successful). Adds a new MP connection, nearly reposts a tweet deniably intimating another MP could be racist but decides to like it instead, then logs off and walks down a series of corridors, passing other similar young people and dispensing the trusty joke-effect observation that his football team will beat their football teams in football matches that are to varying degrees forthcoming. Arriving at a small down-at-heel meeting room, he checks the white wine on the table has been warmed to the requisite temperature, before fixing upon the door a piece of A4 paper reading “Monthly China Drinks”. Roll titles: The Spy Who Bored Me.
